Nevertheless, I made it to the bedroom and popped the light on in the closet, trying my hardest not to wake the girls until necessary. Kneeled in their closet with the door shut behind me, I stuffed the medium-sized suitcase with my oldest’s clothes,making sure I didn’t leave any of her favorites or anything she’d be needing for school. When the door popped open and in walked a half-asleep Essence, my heart plummeted out of my chest and onto the floor.
“Essence?”
“Mommy?” She yawned, rubbing sleep from her eyes. “Are you OK?”
As I recovered, I pushed the tears that were threatening to fall back. I nodded, dramatically, trying to convince us both that I was, although it was a lie from the pit of hell. I hated the thought of lying to Essence, so I compromised.
“I will be.”
“What are you doing? Can I help?”
Inhaling, I counted quickly in my head in an attempt to keep from falling apart. Managing my emotions at the moment felt almost impossible but it was necessary.
“Can you help me get all of your favorite things that you need and that make you feel comfortable inside of the suitcase?”
I dropped my head, unable to look my child in the eyes and admit that I was disrupting our home and moving us six hours away to save us all from the turmoil we were in. I couldn’t quite admit, yet, that I was ripping her away from her financial stability for uncertainty. I couldn’t.
“Okay. But, why, Mommy?”
Taking a second to consider my next words, I quickly understood that there was no way for me to avoid the truth. Essence deserved that. Both of my girls did.
“Be-because,” I stuttered. “I have to get us out of here, Essence.”
I’d never talked to my children about the abuse that I endured in our home but I didn’t have to. They witnessed it as often as it happened. Their father cared nothing about their presence when he raged.
“I have to go,” I cried. “I can’t stay here anymore, baby. I have to save myself, Es. I’m sorry. I have to—we have to get out of here. I’m sorry.”
With both hands, she cupped the sides of my face and lowered her tiny frame onto the ground until we were both kneeling. I watched the glossiness of her eyes transform into full tears.
“I’m sorry, too.” She cried.
“You’re sorry?”
“I’m sorry Daddy hurts you.”
“Don’t be, Essence. Last time was the last time, OK?”
“OK.”
“He can’t hurt me anymore.”
“Thank you, Mommy.” She nodded as I wiped her tears away.
“For what, baby?”
“Saving us.”
Pulling her into my chest, I buried her head and wrapped my arms around her. Her fragile frame shivered, confirming the accuracy of my decision. My trauma was her trauma and neither of us deserved any of it.
“We have to hurry,” I announced, snapping out of the emotional rut and cleaning both of our faces. “We have about five minutes to get downstairs and out of the door. Finish packing your things and I’ll pack Em’s, OK?”
“Yes. Five minutes.”
I used my cellphone to set a timer. Our arms didn’t stop until it sounded. I rushed out of the closet and into the bedroom. Without waking Emorey, I pulled her into my arms and ran her down the stairs before coming back up for the two larger suitcases while Essence managed the small one with her sister’s belongings inside. Just as the Carriage was pulling up, the girls and I were walking out, dressed in our nightly attire, ready for whatever the journey had in store for us.
“Watch your step, Essence,”I whispered, rocking a sleeping Emorey in my arms.
My heart drummed against my chest as she reached the top step. I was next. My height increased immediately, making me bigger than I actually felt. Heck, small wasn’t even the correct word to describe my feelings exactly.
