As I called out to her, I waved my hand across the lamp to illuminate the space to some degree. It was pitch black around us, not a single light in sight. Her tear-stained face was the first thing I laid eyes on. Her pretty, brown, saddened eyes began chipping away at my heart as I gathered words to share with her.
“What’s the matter? Are you hurting? Do you need a doctor? The bab?—”
“I’m fine, physically, Luca. I just… Mentally, emotionally, I’ve been destroyed. I’d love to—” She choked up. “To think this is just something I ca-can bounce back from but I don’t know. I-I feel so much discomfort. So much sadness. And– I’m– I’m– Luca, I’m scared.”
I pulled myself together while tossing the cover off my body. I rushed into the bathroom to retrieve a clean, warm towel. Though I hated to leave Ever alone for even a second, it was necessary. Upon my return, I watched as her body shook under distress.
The strings of my heart were tugged and pulled in twenty different directions. The time between words gave me a chance to collect myself. In any given situation, I had the solution. That was my job. I was the problem solver. I had the resolution.Every single time. Except this one.
If I had the ability to go inside Ever’s head and rearrange her thoughts, I would. But, since I couldn’t, I was left scrambling to fix things within from the outside. Blindly, I began casting aside her worries and trying my damnedest to make her feel as beautiful as she was and as beautiful as her life was about to become after this was all over.
I swiped the warm towel across her face, clearing it of tears and bringing comfort to her irritated skin. It was red and blotchy from her whirlwind of emotions, constant rubbing, and contorting. As quickly as I wiped the tears, they were replaced. I tossed the towel on the floor once satisfied and pulled my entire heart into my hands.
“Ever, baby.” I sighed, unsure how to unknot her tangled heart. “I can’t change what has happened. Lord knows I would in a fucking flash. I can only promise that it will never be the case again. I’ll live and die on that hill. Someone hurt you.
“My world almost ended getting that call. I never want to hear anything like that again. I won’t hear anything like that again. I’ve made sure of it. I want you to live a life you love, Ever. One where you’re not looking over your shoulder. Had I known the extent of this situation, to begin with, you wouldn’t have been looking over your shoulders, to begin with.
“I would’ve made sure you and my children were safe. That’s my number one priority and that hasn’t changed. It’ll never change. I don’t want you to be afraid of anyone as long as I’m alive and well. Your fears should be as natural as any other mother.
“Shit like Emorey falling off her bike or Essence falling in love with someone who will take advantage of her gentleness or giving birth naturally or if your new recipe will come out as perfectly as you imagined. That’s it, Ever. Let me worry about the big shit.
“Your burdens, give them to me. Your battles, let me fight them. Your dragons, let me slay them. Your fears, baby, let me handle them. It’s hard, Ever. I know it is, giving up and giving in to me completely, but baby, I promise I’ve got you. I’ll leave no stone unturned.”
I cupped her chin, pulling her face in my direction.
“I’m not that nigga. I’mTHATnigga. Your nigga. Give it all to me, Ever! I want your problems. Your faults. Your fears. Your flaws. Don’t be afraid to release that shit. I’m a big boy. I can handle it. I will handle it.
“My desire is for you to live life free of the anchors, free of the hindrances, free of the baggage, free of it all. Essence, Emorey, and our little baby, I got them just like I’ve got you. Give it all to me, Ever. Right now. Give it to me.”
“I feel responsible.” She cried in my arms.
“You didn’t birth that hoe ass nigga. It’s not your fault, mommas. If it wasn’t you, it would’ve been someone else. Hisbullshit stops at you. He chose the wrong motherfucker to push up on and now his mo–” I grimaced, stopping before I shared information with Ever that she couldn’t stomach at the moment.
“I just keep feeling like I should’ve left so many years sooner. I should’ve just had the strength.”
“Then there’d be no Essence. There’d be no Emorey. My heart can’t stand the thought of that, Ever. Your time there served a purpose. It wasn’t in vain. We got two little ones out of the deal so it wasn’t all bad. In the end, we win. We always will.”
She twiddled her fingers, nervous energy radiating through her frame. I picked up on the shift immediately.
“Talk to me. I’m listening, love. I promise.”
“I know.”
“So, don’t bottle it up. Give it to me straight.”
“I’m afraid you see me differently now,” she blubbered, her tears casting down her face in droves.
“I do,” I admitted. “I see your resilience a little better. I see your strength a little better. I see your selflessness a little better. I see your beauty a little better. I see your heart, Ever. I see you. I see our future. I see you in a white dress, walking your fine ass down the aisle on the way to make this shit official. That’s what I see. I see a woman who will die in old age, happy! I’m going to make sure of that. So, yes, I do see you differently. I see you so much better. Shit is so much clearer.”
“What did I ever do to deserve you, Luca?”
“I’m the only nigga you deserve. I’m the only nigga that was meant for you. I’m the only nigga you could’ve ended up with. Our paths didn’t cross coincidentally. They were meant to. God sat you right on top of my heart and from the minute you opened your eyes, you’d penetrated that motherfucker. I’ve done some shit in my life, Ever. I’m not a perfect man and I’ll never strive for perfection. I’m flawed. I’ve fucked up. So, it’s me that wonders what I ever did to deserve you.”
“I love you. So, so much.”
“Forever, baby.”
Back and forth, I rocked her body until the crying stopped completely. Minutes later, light snores erupted in the silence. Her comfort was a source of solace, but circumstances were different at the moment. My eyes remained opened as I replayed our conversation in my head. Her fears were real and I needed to dead them as soon as possible.
