“I want you safe. In fact, I want the three of you as protected as possible. I want you all back at the camp in two hours, and don’t you dare get hurt, or I swear to God I’ll hurt you even more. And then you can forget traveling!” I jump up and shower her face with kisses, making her laugh. I approach the motorcycles and listen carefully to the guide’s advice as they ride along.
A woman approaches me and helps me put my scarf over my face so the sand doesn’t hurt me, offers me some glasses that they say are safer for the trip. I zip up my jacket, put my helmet on my head, and quickly get on the bike, already feeling the excitement and adrenaline travel through my body fast and instantly. I smirk to myself, start the bike, and accelerate, watching the sand fly around me, feeling my breath shrink and fear run through my veins, but still fulfilled, as if I were about to die, and somehow, it felt right. I see Vincenzo’s bike overtake mine, and I speed up even more, causing the adrenaline to peak in my body. I feel more alive than ever, and I want this feeling to last forever. I hear the laughter and muffled screams of the bikes’ engines and the sandstorms forming around us. I accelerate even more, feeling it jump into a deeper dune, making my heart skip a beat and my breathing gasp. I smile and pull in a chunk of air, shouting with excitement.
“How was your ride?” asks my mother, sitting on a pile of cushions on the sand. She has a cup of tea in her hands and seems relaxed as she looks in our direction. I smile at her and run into her arms, making her put down her tea and open them immediately, ready to welcome me. I hug her and slap a kiss on her cheek, resting my head on her lapandwatching my familytake their seats around the small table in the middle of the cushions pile.
“It was great, truly liberating! Even though our children are kind of fearless, we seem to have created three adrenaline freaks!” says Dad, looking at Mom with a loving and knowing gaze as if they were able to communicate with just their eyes. She gives him a shy smile and looks at my brothers softly while messing with my hair. Around us, the guides and waiters are moving everywhere, preparing and serving dinner in front of us. I look at all that unfamiliar food and the tempting smell, and my stomach finally seems to realize that my body needs food. I stand up quickly and enjoy the food laid out in front of me.
During the meal, I feel like I was teleported to another time, before the divorce, when every meal was noisy, everyone talked at the same time, sharing food, laughing, being a family like we hadn’t been for a long time. Just the five of us eating, laughing, and talking, with my father’s laughter, my mother’s loving smiles, my brothers’ jokes, and embarrassing questions directed at me (something I hated with everything in me when I was just a child). But now all of them watching me, the playful smiles on their faces and the laughter stifled by my embarrassment made me feel at home again after years and in a country completely different from my own, as if I had traveled for a long time and had finally been reunited with those I love.
That night, I didn’t sleep. I lay on the sand for hours between my siblings, talking about everything, with my parents reminiscing about our childhood and all the stupid things we’ve done and continue to do. I feel the cold of the desert and the warmth of my mom as she hugs me and covers me with her blanket after handing one to my brothers and dad. I feel her warm and loving embrace, and I want to cry with happiness. I look up and see the starry sky, one of the most beautiful skies I’ve ever seen. I lay down at four in the morning in the sametent as my siblings, watching my parents go in the same, and I mentally wish that they were a couple again, even knowing how difficult it is, possibly impossible. Lorenzo notices my eyes and gives me a pitiful look as if he’s reading my mind. He feels sorry for my hopeful eyes. He hugs me from the side and pulls me inside the tent.
The next morning, I wake up early, hoping to see the sunrise. I find my mother, coffee in hand, looking at the horizon. I approach her slowly and hug her from behind, causing her to jump a little and then smile at me. I look ahead and enjoy the sunrise with her between the dunes. The heat is rising again; we exchange looks and complicit smiles. I run to the tent I share with my brothers, let out a loud scream, and fell dead on top of them. I hear my mother laughing from afar and my brothers muttering.
“Let’s go swimming in the Nile. The sun is up, and it’s unbearably hot outside. Come on, get up!” I pull on my brother’s arms with my mother’s help, forcing them to stand up. As soon as they do, I smile at them and rush to the river, taking off my clothes on the way, leaving only my swimsuit on. I feel the cool water circling me; I dive in quickly and try to stay underwater until my lungs hurt. I return to the top, watching my brothers doing swimming competitions while my parents chat on the side of the river.
Before lunch, we take a camel ride, as my mother refuses to go on a motorcycle, and we walk through the desert for a couple of hours, returning only at lunchtime. As soon as we’ve finished lunch, we head back to the jeeps and head to the Pyramids and the Valley of the Kings, spending the whole day sightseeing. The next day, we take a short tour of Egypt’s most important museums before watching my parents leave for their own countries and my brothers and I set sail for Russia.
Chapter 3
As soon as the small jet lands in Russia, we are greeted by high sunshine and a pleasant temperature. The tour guide is waiting at the front of the car, wearing a very well-tailored black suit that looks very uncomfortable and hot for the day.I look at myself and see myself dressed in a sundress with sandals on my feet. I walk toward him in soft steps, linked in my brother’s arm. He reaches out his hand quickly, taking mine gently and leaving a soft kiss on it, and then shakes hands with my brothers.
“Good afternoon. I’m going to be your guide for the next few days. If there’s anything you need, let me know!” I nod instantly and get inside the car, followed by my brothers and the guide. We left the airport and were greeted by the beautiful streets of Moscow. We drive to theFour SeasonsHotel Moscow, in a relatively quick journey. Staff are already waiting for us at the hotel entrance, rapidly picking up our bags and taking them to the presidential suite. As soon as I entered the suite, I rush to the large window in the living room, looking out at the breathtaking city view of Moscow from above, smiling with the presence of my two brothers next to me and feeling truly happy.
“I intend to visit all the imperial palaces. I hope you’re aware of that!” I hear Lorenzo’s deep laughter behind me as he approaches, accompanied by Vincenzo, both standing by my side so that they can enjoy the view with me.
“No one would expect anything less from little Princess Mancini!” Vincenzo says in a hoarse voice, trying to sound more solemn, causing Lorenzo and me to burst into laughter.
“I’m glad you know. I can’t wait to step on the same groundthat the imperial family did, where the Romanovs lived. It must be amazing!” I want to understand how they lived before their lives ended so cruelly. I want to see the places where they were, where they always seemed so sad and lonely.
“Weren’t they the ones who were shot dead, thinking they were going to take pictures?” Vincenzo asks with a kind of amusement in his voice, making me get frustrated and sigh out loud. He’s always had a macabre sense of humor, finding the funny where literally no one else does. Apart from the fact that certain morbid facts make Vincenzo more interested in certain places, I’ve never understood that side of his personality.
“Yes, they were, and no, they didn’t die in any of the palaces that Chiara wants to visit. We don’t have the house where they died on our itinerary either!” complains the older brother, with a certain annoyance tone, sounding genuinely tired.
“How about we get some rest and go out for dinner later? You look tired,” I say, looking at Lorenzo, who just nods and heads off to his room in our suite. As soon as my eyes land on Vincenzo, I know I’m in trouble. He looks at me with curious eyes and raised eyebrows.
“Why can’t we go and see the last house where the Romanovs lived? You’ve always been fascinated by this family. Nothing makes more sense than seeing the last place they lived! Besides, this place is also part of history,” he says, looking at me and simultaneously tapping his foot on the floor.
“First of all, they were murdered. It’s not like they lived happily in that place, and you really have to stop with this morbid stuff. You’re starting to scare me!” I don’t give him time to reply, so I leave the living room and head for my bedroom in the suite, quickly taking off my shoes and lying down on the comfortable bed.
I close my eyes and think how lucky I am despite everything. I can consider myself a happy person. I have family, friends, ahouse, and food on the table. The opportunity to travel to the most incredible places. I got into the university of my dreams, and I’m going to live in a city I love. And yet, something inside me tells me that it’s not enough. No matter what I do, it’s never enough; I’m never enough. I try to think of what I’m missing and why I feel such a void inside me, but nothing comes up. Maybe love. I’ve always wanted love, the kind that only death separates, like Grannie Daisy’s, but I’ve never even had my first kiss. I’ve never fallen in love, and I don’t think anyone has ever fallen in love with me. They say I’m pretty, some even say I’m beautiful, an example of elegance and style, but for what? It’s never made me find myself. It never made love knock on my door. It seems that everyone around me is in love or about to fall in love, and I’m on the sidelines as if I were just an observer in my own story. When I was little, I swore I would be the main character of my story, but today I’m not so sure anymore.
With that thought in mind, I leap out of bed and quickly free myself from my dress, heading for the bathroom, filling up the bathtub, and dropping some salts. I feel my body submerged in the warm, fragrant water, and I feel my muscles relax. I close my eyes and slowly let my body slide down the tub until my head is also submerged. I open my eyes, and they burn slightly because of the salts. I close my eyes again and remain under, mentally counting down two minutes, then slowly raising my head and taking a deep breath. I think about how easy it would be to actually end everythinginmy life, and I immediately push those thoughts out of my head, getting out of the bath and running the clean water from the shower through my body. I put on my pajamas and lay down on the bed, watching the curtains close and the room go dark. I cover myself comfortably and try every which way to get my brain to stop, but nothing seems to work.
I wake up to Lorenzo and Vincenzo arguing about something I don’t understand. Annoyed, I put the pillow nextto me over my head in an attempt to drown out the sound. Realizing that it has no effect, I sit up in bed and pick up the remote control, opening the curtains and being graced with the night view of Moscow.
I get out of bed and head for the living room, watching my two older brothers argue over a slice of pavlova.I approach quickly, pick up the plate with the dessert, take a bite, and bring it to my mouth, savoring its sweet taste. I feel two pairs of indignant eyes on me.
“That’s the end of the discussion!” I affirm calmly, sitting down on the sofa between them. “Where do you want to go tonight?”
“I was talking to the receptionist, and he recommendedTuradot.I’ve been looking at the pictures, and I know you’ll love it, Chiara!” Lorenzo is always the one who tries to plan everything. I knew that he would’ve taken care of our meal, typical big brother.
I quickly look up the restaurant on Google, and for a moment, I lose my breath. The dining room is round-shaped and astonishing, with walls and a dome covered in golden baroque ornaments. This sight alone makes the restaurant worth the visit.
“It looks perfect. I can’t wait!” I say, running into the bedroom, opening my suitcase, inspecting what’s inside, thinking about what would be suitable for the evening.
After dinner, we walked back to the hotel, enjoying the view of the city and the cold night air. I think about all the people who have been here before me, whether they enjoyed it, whether the trip was worthwhile, whether they managed to find themselves. I take a deep breath and try to push these thoughts away and focusing on my brothers, but something in me won’t allow it. I feel uncomfortable and watched. I look back over my shoulder and see a tall, strong figure disappear into the dark of night.I hasten my steps, following my brothers, scared of being left alone.
The next morning, I made my first visit to the imperial palaces. I had never seen anything like them before, and I felt a strange sense of belonging, perhaps because I had read so much about them. I tried to imagine the princesses running through the corridors, living their lives, whether they would be happy there or lonely. I know better than anyone that not all the money in the world or luxurious houses offer any certainty of happiness.
