I look at myself to see small bloodstains all over my clothes and feel my stomach turn, agreeing with Francesco’s suggestion.
***
I open the door of the room slowly, trying to make as little noise as possible, and I see Luca lying on the hospital bedwith various devices attached to his body.I want to cry, knowing that he is in this situation because of me. I approach the bed and sit down in the chair next to it, examining the small cut on his lip and his purple, swollen left eye, and yet he is still undoubtedly handsome. I touch his face, feeling his breath on my fingers as I touch his lip, I was so afraid of losing him. I hold his hand and look into the face of my future husband, the man I love and who will never love me back.
Hiraeth, extreme homesickness for a home you can’t return to or that was never yours. I learned that word in a class, and now, looking at Luca, I think no word could better explain my feelings; I have Luca, andI’m going to marry him, but I’ll never have his heart, no matter how much I want it. I leave a kiss on his hand and rest my head on it, knowing that I haven’t lost him, at least not yet. I feel a hand rest on my head, caressing it lightly, and I look up to see Luca looking at me; I start tearing up without being able to stop it. Luca brings his hand up to my cheek and wipes it. I don’t stop myself; I move closer to him and hug him. I feel Luca flinch slightly, and I remember the bullet in his chest. I try to move away, but his arm keeps me close. I putmy face in the hollow of his neck, wetting it with my tears.
“I was so afraid of losing you!” I pull away from him, running my hand over his face, feeling incredibly guilty. “I’m sorry; it’s all my fault; you’re here because of me.”
“What are you saying, Chiara? It was an attack by an enemy mafia; how could that be your fault?”
“Nikolai told me everything; he wanted to tell me personally…”
“That sick bastard, did he do something to you?” Luca looks possessed; he makes a gesture that suggests he’s going to leave the bed, andI hold his arm, not allowing him to do so.
“No, lie down; I don’t know what I’ll do if you get hurt anymore because of me. He might be dead by now.” I look at my hands, fiddling with my fingers anxiously, not wanting to face him. “I gave orders for him to be killed; I know I shouldn’t have; it should be your decision. Maybe you even wanted to kill him yourself, but then he said all that stuff, he… I couldn’t bear the thought of him alive after all that… I’m sorry!”
Luca lets out a sigh, and I can’t look at him; my arm is pulled, and my body meets him; his hand makes my head lying on his chest. “Luca, I’m going to hurt you.” I try to get up, but he stops me.
“Stay… I’m not upset; perhaps the best word to describe it would be proud; you did it for you, you did it for me; he deserved to die, Chiara…”
A painful cry comes out of me without realizing it, and I feel Luca squeeze me tighter against his body. “He followed me; I don’t know what he saw, the way he spoke…”
“I’ll never let anything like this happen again; I’ll keep you safe.”
I close my eyes, feeling calm and safe like I’m finally home after a difficult time. I love you, Luca! The words come out low, my eyes feel heavy and tired, I feel Luca mess with my hair, andI fall asleep knowing that he doesn’t feel the same way.
Chapter 15
I watch Luca get up from the hospital bed with difficulty, not allowing anyone to help him. I approach with the wheelchair, and he ignores it, walking slowly toward the door. It’s been less than twenty-four hours since he had the operation, but both he and his father insist on going home, saying it’s safer.
“I still think it’s a terrible idea for you to go home now!” Luca rolls his eyes, and I want to slap him.
“It’s not safe to stay in the hospital.”
“There were lots of soldiers for your security.”
“It’s still safer at home, and besides, I’m fine.” I look in his direction and wonder why he’s so proud.
“Yes, of course, you look great,” I say sarcastically, making Francesco let out a laugh. “But I still asked my father to prepare a medical team; they’re already at your house with everything ready.”
Luca looks at me, clearly displeased, but doesn’t bother to give me an answer. We enter the gates of the mansion, and it looks perfect as if a massacre never happened in these gardens a few hours ago. Through the window, I see Lady Milena pushing a wheelchair with Don Henrico sitting on it. Luca looks tense when he sees his father’s condition, but he doesn’t say anything. He gets out of the car with struggle, being hugged by Bella, who is crying and clinging to his body. I hug my body, watching the two of them interact, and I find myself wishing my siblings were here so I could hug them.
“I need to sleep…” Bella’s voice is low and clearly tired; her face is resting on Luca’s chest, and she looks into his eyes.
“Then go.” Luca’s voice is muffled by a smile, which makes me smile along with him.
“I don’t want to leave you alone.”
“I’m not a child, Bella.” He runs his hand lovingly through his sister’s hair, and she smiles, leaves him a kiss on the cheek, let go of him, and comes over to me, hugging me.
“Can you make sure he’s okay?”
“Yes, don’t worry, go and rest.” I give her a little kiss on the top of the head and smooth her hair, feeling like a big sister looking after her little one. She gives me a beautiful smile and heads up the stairs to her room.
“She likes you!” I look away from the staircase, meeting Luca’s eyes on me.
“I like her too; she makes me feel like a big sister. I’ve always wanted a little sister.”
