“I’ve already told you that the word love is not in the vocabulary of a man of honor.”
“I’m not asking about the code of conduct for men of honor. I’m asking about you, Luca. Would you ever be able to have feelings for me, to reciprocate what I feel?”
“Those feelingsdon’t get you anywhere, Chiara; in our world, we can’t afford to love because love is a weakness. Love is a risk I won’t take; the Camorra is and always will be my only love; you should know that by now. So turn it off, turn off your feelings, erase what you say you feel for me, and that way, our marriage will be what it was always meant to be: a perfect and indestructible union.”
“If I could choose, I’d rather be tortured to death than love you, Luca, trust me! But unfortunately, I have feelings; I’m not like you; I can’t just switch it off.” I take a deep breath, feeling his gaze on me; I pace back and forth in the room, trying to contain my urge to scream, to unleash my frustration on the universe. “Love isn’t a weakness; it’s what keeps us alive… Feelings can’t be turned off… I can’t do it!”
“Try, do what you feel is necessary, but you can’t love me,Chiara, because I’ll never be able toreturn those feelings.”
Luca turns his back and leaves the room immediately after speaking, leaving me alone after destroying all the hopes I had for our relationship. I sit on the bed and let the tears flow freely down my face, knowing that I will never be loved by the person I love. Perhaps it would have been easier never to have heard those words come out of his mouth. Maybe then I could smile and dream that one day he would love me back. Maybe then everything would be easier, hope would be there, and my heart wouldn’t hurt so much that I think it might stop beating, just so I don’t feel any more pain.
“Chiara?” I hear my grandmother’s voice in the distance, but I don’t answer. I don’t feel I have the strength to do so. Small knocks are left on the door before I hear it open. Chiara honey, what happened? Hearing my grandmother’s voice only makes me cry harder; I feel her hand on my back, leaving little caresses on it. “Luca asked me to come and see you; what happened?”
I can’t get my voice to come out, and honestly, I don’t want to say anything; the words repeat themselves in my head. I don’t want them to leave my lips either, so I just let my pain try to leave my body through tears.
“It’s okay, my love, you have me, always!” I feel Grandma hug me, and I let my head fall on her shoulder, knowing that I’ll never be alone.
Chapter 14
I didn’t see or speak to Luca after that day; he didn’t come to me, and I didn’t want to show any weakness. The paparazzi didn’t give up in two or three days as he claimed; my last days in Italy were spent locked up inside the house, like a prisoner, slowly saying goodbye to the ones I love.First Luca, two days later Aurora and Letícia decided to go to Portugal to visit their parents before returning to London, then my mother and grandmother left for Portugal with my brothers to sort something out in their companies, leaving me and my father super busy, alone, with only security guards and maids.
Here I am, finally leaving my prison, with a four-car escort heading for the airport, ready to leave for London and try to leave my sadness in Rome. The city passes by the window like splotches of color; due to the high speed, the police have streamlined the traffic so that we can leave the house without being followed by photographers. I look out the window, seeing blurs of my hometown, and for the first time in my life, I want to get out of it as soon as possible.
Through the window, I see the security guards scanning the jet and the surrounding area, making me roll my eyes. “Is this really necessary?”
Francesco looks at me, annoyed, making me raise an eyebrow. “Yes, I’ve said that a thousand times, but it’ll only take a few minutes.”
“Do you think a paparazzi can get off the wing of a jet?” I ask with a sarcastic smile, making him look at me with clearannoyance on his face.
“If he was able to, we’d deal with him, and he wouldn’t like it.”
“I bet you would.” A gesture is made in the direction of our car, and I smile as I open the door and head toward the jet with Paolo, Francesco, and two new security guards behind me.
Paolo answers his phone, and all the security guards seem to be checking something on their phones. I walk up the stairs and meet the captain and the flight attendants with a smile. I look back in confusion at the delay while entering; shots are heard in the distance, and my body shudders, looking at the men protecting me in confusion.
“Protect Chiara, the Camorra is under attack,” Paolo shouts and grabs his gun, coming toward me as do all the security guards. Francesco pulls my hand and makes me run down the stairs; my body jerks, and Francesco forces me to keep walking, leading me toward the car, gun in hand, looking in all directions, trying to detect a possible threat.
Francesco forces my body to bend and puts me in the car, then gets in, sits next to me, and the car starts to move. I look at my hands, and they don’t stop shaking. I try to squeeze one in the other, but it makes no difference; the tremors are still noticeable. I feel my breathing change a little, and I close my eyes, trying to control it.
“Chiara, Chiara…” My mind is foggy, and the sound seems to come from far away; a hand grabs my shoulder, and my body shudders, making me jump. I open my eyes and see Francisco holding my shoulder, shaking my body, making me look into his eyes and concentrate on his words. “I need you to breathe and calm down; I know it’s not easy to control, but now is not a good time. We’re going to protect you; nothing’s going to happen, okay?” He looks at me, but I can’t answer. “I need you to answer me, Chiara, with words.”
“Okay…” my voice came out shaky and low, making my breathing falter as shots were fired.
“The car is bulletproof; everything will be fine; just get down.” Paolo’s voice sounds calm, but his body shows something else; the windows are opened, and Paolo and Francesco start shooting, making me cover my ears and close my eyes on the floor of the car, with my knees against my chest.
Gunshots and more gunshots are heard. I feel tears running down my face, and I realize that the same weapons that have given me security and courage all my life are also terrifying me. A bang is heard, and Paolo and Francesco close the windows; Francesco gives me his hand and helps me up off the ground. I look back and see two cars overturned in the middle of the road, preventing traffic from continuing.
“Where are we going?” I wipe the tears from my face and try to remain calm without being able to stop looking at the cars left behind.
“To a safe house outside the city.” Paolo turns back and looks me in the eye. “You’ll have to stay in a high-security underground panic room. Actually, it’s more like a safe, bulletproof and bombproof, but inside, you have all the essentials, including TV, so it’s not too bad.”
“Am I going to be locked in there on my own?”
“I’m staying with you!” Francesco looks at me, giving me a restrained smile, trying to show confidence and security. I just nod without really having anything to say. Francesco pulls me out of the car, taking me out of my thoughts; we are in front of a large villa with snipers on the balconies and windows. I am pulled into it, still without strength in my legs.
“What about Luca? Is he all right?” Francesco looks at me, surprised by the question, perhaps thinking that I wouldn’t be interested in my fiancé’s well-being.
“I don’t know; we have no news.” I look at him, alarmed,and tears threaten to fall. “What I meant was, when the house and the headquarters were attacked, Luca went to fight, just like his father and all men are doing. So I can’t tell you his condition at the moment, but I’m sure he’s fine; Luca is the best fighter I know.”
