“Are you planning to go to school tomorrow?” Paolo asks in a low, uncertain tone of voice.
“Yes!”
I left the room and went into my bedroom without giving any room for conversation or questions. I lay down in the bathtub full of water and try to relax. Tomorrow, my life will return to normal. It has to…
Leaving home and going back to class was a bittersweet feeling, a fear of leaving my room and my place, and an instant relief that I was taking charge of my life again. Paolo and Francesco clearly look uncomfortable and much less talkative, maybe not really knowing what to say, but their gazes are more attentive than ever, possibly trying to prevent a second escape.
My breathing is agitated, and I just want to get back to normal, to get out of this prison that my mind has created forme. I know that Paolo is waiting for me on the other side of the door. I can’t go to the bathroom alone, and I want to scream. I come out of the bathroom and feel his gaze on me.
“Can we just go?” I want to say I’m fine, but I’m not. Maybe I really do deserve that look.
“Francesco will bring your things, and then we can go home.”
I nod, leaning against the wall and feeling his gaze studying me all the time, trying to find the problem. “I want to go to China Town for a walk!”
“Eating wouldn’t hurt you either!” says Francesco, handing me my bag and coat.
I don’t answer, which apparently makes no difference; I think they’ve gotten used to my silence over the last few days. We walk the streets for a while until we reach our destination. I walk through the colorful streets, and for the first time in days, I don’t find it hard to breathe.
“What do you want to eat?” I look at Francesco, clearly displeased by his insistence, and he stops in the middle of the street and looks at me right in my eyes. “Okay, I know we’ve had a sort of silent agreement, but it ends here. I know you’re not well; we all know it. I don’t know why; I’m not even going to ask you, but you can’t go on like this. Enough, Chiara, what you’ve been doing for the last few days can’t be considered living, and I also know that none of this concerns me; I’m just a bodyguard, but I’m starting to miss the smiling, full-of-life girl. The one we don’t have to monitor all the time to eat.” Francesco grabs my shoulders and brings his face close to mine, looking deep into my eyes. “Live!”
I feel the tears fill my eyes, and I refuse to let them fall. “It’s not that simple!”
“I know it’s not, but you should at least try!” I shake my head positively, but he still doesn’t seem satisfied. “Promise me.”
I look into his eyes, and I know I want to try. I know I want to live. “I promise!”
“Good, and although I know we’re not who you want around at the moment, I want you to know that you can count on us!” I look away from Paolo, and he nods, giving me a small smile. “Now, let’s feed you.”
Francesco drags me around the city, making me think that the roles have been reversed. We go into a Korean barbecue restaurant, and they fill me up with sweets.
“I think that’s enough food!” I look at Francesco, who is picking up a meat kebab from a street restaurant. “You certainly have a black hole in your stomach.”
They both shrug their shoulders and continue eating. I look around and see couples and families strolling down the street, and I don’t feel as alone as before.
As I enter the house, I come across Amethyst running toward me. I throw myself on the floor without worrying about bruises and grab my little dog, leaving little kisses on her soft fur.
“How…” I don’t finish the sentence. I just look up and see Grandma looking as stunning as ever, with a loving smile on her face. I take Amethyst on my lap and go to her, receiving the hug I’ve been craving for the last few days. “Grannie…” my voice comes out low and tearful, making her hug me tighter.
“I’m here now, my love; everything will be fine!”
After a brief introductionfrom Grandma to the security guards, she escorts me to my room, tells me to take a shower, puts on my pajamas, andtells methat she’s not going anywhere. As soon as I get back to the room, I lie down on the bed next to her, in her arms, and my heart feels lighter.
“I missed you!” I whisper, like a secret.
“Me too, life without my other half is hard!” she whispers, letting out a small laugh. “I know that things are difficult, that the last few days have been hard, and believe me, everyonewanted to fly here. I didn’t allow them; as I said, you’re my other half, and I know that even though it hurts, you needed your time to be with yourself.”
“I don’t know what happened, suddenly I…”
“Yes, dear, I know sometimes it’s just difficult, and that’s okay, Chiara!”
“Thank you for being here!” I say, feeling heavy-eyed and sleepy.
“I’ll always be here, forever, my love!” I feel Grandma’s kiss on the top of my head and her sweet words before I finally fall asleep.
***
It’s strange how sometimes we get so numb and so tired of everything, of all of us. That recovery seems simply impossible or too difficult. It’s been two weeks now, and as much as I want to, I still don’t feel like myself. Little by little, things are getting back to normal, and I’m simply looking forward to finally being completely me again. Classes seem interesting again; my brain is starting to focus on something, andI can smile and eat. But an emptiness still insists on being present in my chest, and the worst part is that I don’t know which part is missing.
