I look at Luca and nod, letting him win. His hand is again placed toward my face, and this time, I grab it, letting him pull my body away from the ground.
“Again!” I grip my knife tightly, and with all the determination I have in me, I throw myself at him, attacking him with the knife.
For two hours, I listen to Luca’s instructions on how to attack the most painful and deadly places. I lie on the floor with one arm resting on my stomach and the other over my face, preventing light from entering my eyes. I feel Luca’s imposing presence over me.
“I’m definitely “team“ firearms?” I hear his hoarse laugh float across the room.
“How old were you when you first shoot one?”
“Ten years old, my grandfather taught me!” I say without uncovering my eyes or looking in his direction. I feel his body resting next to mine, and I know he’s sat down next to me. “You?”
“5!”
His answer automatically makes me stand up. “Five years old?”
“Yes, my father wanted to test my abilities. “
“How old were you when you started your training?”
“From the age of five, my father thought that the earlier you start, the better!”
I let the air out of my lungs, still in shock. “You were a child!”
“He just wanted to make sure that I would become strong enough to be a Capo.”
“What do you mean strong enough?”
“I began to learn to fight in every way, to handle any weapon, to torture, to be tortured…”
I didn’t let him finish what he was about to say. “Wait, what do you mean tortured?”
“There’s nothing better than learning by feeling the pain yourself, and besides, he never crossed the line or left me seriously injured. He had to be sure that if I was captured, I wouldn’t give away any information.”
“That’s extremely cruel, especially coming from a father to a son!” I feel my stomach lurch and anger taking over.
“It’s tradition!”
“So if we have a son one day, are you going to do that to him?” Luca doesn’t answer, making me want to punch him; I take a deep breath and look at the wall in front of me. “I’ll never have a child with you!” I declarethat I won’t put a child into the world knowing that it will suffer like that; I can’t do it.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not going to condemn my son for your stupid tradition!”
“You know that our marriage isn’t just about business benefits; I need an heir, a future Capo!”
“I couldn’t bear the thought of you doing to my son what your father did to you. Maybe I’m not really the right choice.”
I get up from the floor without letting Luca say a word and walk out of the apartment and into my own. I ignore Aurora andLeticia’s call, still anaesthetized by what I heard; I go into the bathroom of my room, look in the mirror and see a tear running down my cheek. I wipe it away with the back of my hand and let my clothes fall into a small pile at my feet. I get under the shower and turn the temperature to maximum; I feel my skin burn and let my heart cry for the boy of five who couldn’t do it.
My body slide down the wall, and sit on the floor with my legs pressed to my chest, hugging them and letting my face rest on my knees. My skin is red, but the pain subsided. Is this what Luca meant, enduring the pain until it seems non-existent?
I put on my robe and walk out of the bathroom, bumping into Luca sitting on my bed; I can see that his face is serious, even though his eyes don’t meet mine,
“What are you doing here?”
“I respect my father for what he did; I never hated him because I know he was doing what he thought was best for me. I toughened up and became who I am today, and I have him to thank for that. But for a moment, maybe a few days in my childhood, I resented him for what he did to me.” Luca’s eyes meet mine, and he looks confused andstruggling with himself. “I don’t want my son to resent me, so I swear to you, Chiara, I will never torture our children; I will have to be tough and inflexible at times; our world is not easy, and I have to prepare them, but I will not torture or let anyone torture them, that’s a promise.”
Luca lets the air out of his lungs as if he was holding it in for a long time. I approach him and stop in front of him, making his eyes lift from the ground and look at me; I smile at him and impulsively hug him. Luca freezes with my arms around him, and just as I’m about to pull away due to his clear discomfort, I feel him relax, and his arms encircle my body.
