“You finally stood up for yourself and didn’t let them control your life. I’m so proud of you, Chiara. You have no idea how proud!” As soon as Aurora stops, I look over to Leticia, and she’s simply nodding her head, smiling slightly.
I finally understand that it’s true. I always let my parents run my life for me, and when I wanted something, they’d just say no, and I’d just give up on the idea, but not today. Today, I said what I wanted and didn’t let them take that away from me. I’m going to university. I’m moving to London with my two best friends and making my own decisions. In an epiphany, I tried somethingthat I never did before: freedom. And now that I had a small taste of it, I’m not going to let anyone take it away. I smile back at my friends, put out my hands, one on each side, and both land their hands on mine. I squeeze their hands in mine, a gesture that they return, knowing that, yes, I’m also proud of myself.
I leave their hands, reaching for my glass of champagne next to an unopened bottle. I smirk at them, and they smirk back. I open the bottle carefully and distribute the liquid through the three glasses, raising mine up. I close my eyes for a few seconds, wishing that I could feel like this for the rest of my life. We toast to life itself, the future, the one we chose, the university, a new beginning, and who knows, maybe even new friendships. I can’t stop thinking about living in a different country where no one has any idea who I or my family are. This will possibly be the best choice I have ever made. For many years, money and power, loaded by my surname, defined everything, from friendships to schoolsandclothes. And I feel like I desperately need a fresh start, literally from scratch, without having anything to define me but myself. I look at the clock hands and they mark 02.00. The party is far from ending. Even though we find ourselves distant, we are still capable of hearing the tiny sound of the music and the background noise of people talking. I quickly stand up, making the bottom of my dress wet from touching the pool water for not holding it before I stood up. My friends glance at me, raising their eyebrows, probably wondering what the hell I was doing.
I walk to my small closet behind a hidden door, usually with swimwear that we keep in case we get any visitors or just want to go for a swim so we don’t have to go all the way to the next floor to get it. I search for three bikinis and three swimsuits in the size that each of us wears. I leave the closet and lift up the swimwear, aware that I’m being watched. I hear two extremely familiar laughs and smile. Both come toward me and take aswimsuit each. I shrug my shoulders and do the same. I leave the bikinis behind and turn my back to the girls so they can zip down my dress, forming a mountain of fabric around my feet, rapidly putting on the swimsuit.
I run to the pool and jump inside in a not-so-graceful way, making me laugh at myself. While I feel my body drown and being hugged by the warm water, I let it sink to the bottom, and I sit, mentally counting three minutes. As soon as that time passes, I feel my lungs burn, and the shortness of breath scream inside me, but I still force myself to stay under for another minute. My body shouts for air, but I insist. When that minute is finally gone, I unlock my legs and give a push to come back to the surface. I pull in all the air, and my lungs burn from the time I’ve been without air. I smile to myself. I like this feeling of affliction, at the edge of losing control, aware that I still have it. I like the pain. It makes me feel alive, makes me sure I am alive. I look over to my friends, and both are having a mini swimming competition. I move toward them and join in. We swim around the poolside for an hour, and as soon as we get tired, we finally stop to stare at each other, bringing a series of giggles due to the extremely smudged makeup. I lie down above the water and let myself float in the pool. I look up and smile at the fact that those neon stars that me and my brothers begged my parents to place in the ceiling are still there. At that time, we wanted to look at the sky even if we were inside the house. These same stars are a part of the decoration of my room, also filling the ceiling. The only difference is these are white, and mine are lilac. My grandad told me that I should choose that color. When I asked him why, he said to look at the sky.I noticed a rainbow decorating it, and he asked me what was the last color of the rainbow. I answered purple, and he said that purple for being the last color, means everlasting love; when I questioned him about why that would make a difference in choosing the color of the stars, he said thathe didn’t want me to forget that I am immensely loved, and he would love me even after his death. Three months later, my grandfather died. Cancer overcame him, and on his deathbed, he told me he loved me and he always would independently of my decisions. I didn’t tell anyone about these conversations. That’s my selfish side. I want to keep these moments for myself. So when my grandad parted and didn’t allow anyone to remove the stars from the ceiling of my room, despite being redecorated, the same stars are also placed in other houses that belong to the family. As soon as I arrive in London, I’ll include them in the decor. I can’t just not do it.
We stay in the pool until five. We leave only when noticing that all the guests have left. I wrap myself in a towel and move toward the exit barefoot, accompanied by my friends. When I open the door, I see the spoils of the party—the whole first floor is a mess, and the house is incredibly quiet, slowly and avoiding some objects in the way. I move to the staircase that accesses the next floor. I say goodbye to my best friends, that already have their own room in the house, and I go to mine. Just after I go in and close the door, I let the towel drop, lock the door, and undress while walking to the bathroom. I get in the shower and turn the water, feeling the freezing water touching my skin. I shiver violently and slowly select a warmer temperature. I lean on the cold wall, now with water extremely hot running on me, and I shut my eyes, trying to do a sweep of what the first hours of my eighteen years looked like. It could have been worse, but still not what I wanted.
I get out of the shower, dry myself, and rub lotion all over my body calmly and in a lazy way; I dry my hair and put my pajamas on. I step into the room and start to look around. This whole room screams me—the real me, not the one I show to outsiders. On my bed, there’s a large frame with a picture of me andmy siblings hugging each other, and we all have genuine happy smiles on our faces. One big bookcase occupies the wall, even though we have a library in the house. I like to keep my favorite books close, a vanity full of perfumes and makeup, and a desk to it with my laptop, iPad, and e-reader.
The canopy bed is decorated with lilac fabric, stuffed with pillows, a true princess bed, like the ones from the books I used to read when I was little, a tiny bed for my dog next to mine, on the same color tone and equally princess-like, where mycavalier King Charles Spanielis now sleeping. I walk toward her and smile, leaving a small peck in her head. Amethyst was the best gift I’ve ever received. I love her to death and can’t imagine my life without her company. I sit on the chair next to the window, grab my copy of ‘The Great Gatsby,’ and look outside. The sun is rising, and I simply lean my head against the window glass and admire the view. When it’s up, I grab the book once more and dedicate my attention to two chapters, and as soon as I’m sufficiently relaxed, I put down the book and go to bed. I sit on it and look around, finally alone. The entire day, I found myself wishing for this moment more than anything, and now that the wish has come true, I feel more alone than ever, maybe even a little abandoned. I don’t know, but I feel the tears coming, and I bite my bottom lip hard in an attempt to prevent that from happening. I feel a single lonely tear running down my right cheek. I lay down and curl up with the fear of letting them fall. I hear the rustle of the covers and a small, warm weight lean against me; on me, I smile and realize that even alone, even in the worst moments, Amethyst is always there for me. I turn and hug my little dog, and she snuggles in my body, making us both finally fall asleep.
I wake up with the sunlight on my face and the smell of warm waffles. I open my eyes lazily and notice my mom sitting at the end of my bed with a tray carrying my breakfast next tomy legs. I give her a big grin and sit up quickly. I check the time on my phone, seeing that it’s ten-thirty. I smile and observe my breakfast: waffles, croissants, fresh fruit, coffee, squeezed orange juice, and a small variety of jams.She knows me so well,I thought while taking a sip of my sweet coffee.
“Happy birthday, Principessa,” she says, leaving a long kiss in my forehead, slowly stepping away, and sitting close to me, leaving space for Amethyst to sit on my lap.
“Thanks, Mom; I know it’s my birthday, but you didn’t have to!” I tell her while putting a big piece of waffle in my mouth, making her smile.
“Of course I had; eighteen is an important mark, and besides, I have to take advantage of the fact that I still have my littlePrincipessaat home!” I glance at her and notice her eyes filling up with water, and she tries to stop them by looking up.
“You know that was never my intention to hurt you with this decision, right?” I ask with a certain fear, reaching for her hand and taking it to my lips, leaving a small kiss and making her smile. She lets go of my hand and touches my hair, putting a few strands behind my ear, like she used to do when I was little, and I lay my head on her hand, enjoying the caress she leaves on my head.
“I know it wasn’t my love, but as a mother, I can’t be desolated for my youngest cub to leave home! We have great universities here, and you always liked living in Portugal. I always thought you were going to live with me for longer.” says with a hopeful smile on her face, making me want to cry. One part of me shouts that I shouldn’t abandon her like my dad did, but I need to grow up, learn by myself, and be myself.
“I know, and you know, that I love living with you, but I need desperately to become independent, Miss Cecília! I feel like if I continue living where everybody knows me that knows who our family is, I’ll never grow up.” I smile with my eyes filled withwater, watching a single drop run down her face, and she quickly wipes it away. “You always protected me from everything, and I’m immensely grateful for that, but I feel like now it’s time to grow, you know? To learn for myself, take risks, get out of my comfort zone, and try to be set free! You’re one of the people I love most in the world, and I will visit. I’m hoping for visits, as many as possible, but maybe all the protection and help restricts me of being myself to understand who I really am! I want to be independentandfeel useful. I don’t want to keep having this thought of needing anyone for anything; I want to do that for me.”
“I know you can, Principessa,and I want you to know that I trust you and I know you can do it. And if you think you need to go to prove yourself, go and do what you need; I love you and I’m proud of you no matter what.” I smile and cry at the same time, becoming a true mix of messy hair and a red swollen face. I leave the tray next to me and lean toward my mom, hugging her.
“I love you so much that I can’t find the words to describe it. Thank you for everything. For the support, for the love, for the opportunities, for taking care of me, and above all, for never leaving me, especially when things got hard. So, don’t forget that I love you,” I whisper in her ear while we are still hugging, feeling her shaking and my shirt getting wet from her tears.
“I love you infinities, my Principessa. Now let’s go. Let’s get out of that bed. Today is going to be a busy day. Me and your grandma have the right to have your company for lunch. Your brothers reclaimed their rights for the afternoon, and the night belongs to your dad. You’re going to dinner,” she says as I wipe away her tears and pick up the tray, getting up from my bed, I smile and do as she says. I open my mouth to ask what I should wear, but it’s like she has read my mind and comments. “Comfortable clothes: you’re going from the restaurant straight to wherever the place your brothers want to take you, and theysaid that comfortable clothes are mandatory.”
I wear a simple, comfortable outfit, as recommended, accompanied by simple make-up and striking red lipstick. I put on simple makeup and red lipstick. About three years ago, the red lipstick became my trademark. I use it every day, no matter where I go, or what I’m wearing, I feel naked without it. I think with time it became kind of like an armor making me confident and strong, ready to take on the world.
I walk out of my room and move toward the staircase accessing the first floor. From the balcony, I see that the house is already in an impeccable state, without a single speck of dust or confetti to prove that there was ever a party of two hundred guests last night in this house. My mom and Grannie are waiting at the end of the staircase, both grinning and in the best mood. As soon as they see me, they offer me that grin that I instantly give back to them. I run down the stairs, making my mom scold me with her eyes. I ignore and quickly join them. I fit in between the two of the strongest women I have ever met, and we all leave to theRolls-Roycethat belonged to my grandad, it was his favorite car, and he never let any of the family drivers even breathe near it. After he passed, Grannie started doing the same; only she would drive that car, and since she doesn’t really like driving, she only uses it on social days, what makes my smile broaden. I let the two women go and rush to the back door, and sit in between the front seats, watching my mom and grandma sit in the passenger and the driver’s seat respectively. We drive to our favorite Italian restaurant in Lisbon, immediately after we enter the garçon walks us to the VIP room so we can be more comfortable, Grannie orders everything on the menu, like she used to when Grandad was alive, we share the food commenting a little on all plates in the middle of conversations and laughs.
I look to both women in front of me smiling and talkingexcitedly about the fact that we have to start to look for an apartment in London for me, I refused to go to the mansion that Grannie lived her entire childhood, I want something more simple, they ask me something that I think was about curtains and I simply smiled and nodded, knowing how lucky I am to have them in my life. The door is open in a bang, making the tall, imposing figures of my brother appear. They walk toward us, leaving a kiss on my moms and grannies’ faces and on my forehead, sitting in the empty chairs in front of us.
“So, can we now steal the birthday girl?” Vincenzo asks in his usual relaxed matter. I nod in a “no” way, and he raises his eyebrow.
“I haven’t had my dessert yet, and I’m not leaving without dessert!” I say childishly, shaking my head from side to side, causing everyone present to laugh.
“Seems fair,” she says. I nod my head and my bothers smile nodding. “What do you want, Principessa?”
“Everything,” I say it with a big smile, making the garçon laugh with my family. I was always like this, crazy for sweets. When I was young, every time we arrived at a restaurant, I would ask for the dessert menu before the actual meal. To think about what to order never really worked because I simply wanted to try everything, and I would also eat my parents and brothers’ desserts. When I grew up, and mom decided to stop control the sugar that I consumed, I started asking for anything that I wanted. The garçon comes back to the table with all my favorite Italian desserts:panda cotta, cannoli zeppole, struffoli, tiramisu, and zabaglione.
“We should’ve given her desserts as a gift; her eyes are shining more than when she saw the eggFabergé!” Points out Lorenzo making everyone present laugh including the garçon, I shrug my shoulders and stick acannoliin my mouth, closing my eyes with relish. I leave the restaurant with my siblings, that puta black blindfold covering my eyes, telling me that I would only be able to know where we going when we get there; after some time in the car, we finally arrived to the destination. Vincezo helps me out of the car and guides me the all way; I feel the smell of sugar, popcorn, sweet stuff in general and get immediately excited. As soon as the blindfold is removed from my eyes, a wave of enthusiasm runs through my body, making me feel like a child; I hug my brothers and pull them to the entrance of the funfair, grinning at all the carousels moving. I see children running everywhere, and I have the absurd desire of doing the same.
“So where should we start, Ferris wheel?” Vincezo asks in his unworried way, putting his hands in his pockets. I nod instantly no.
“Let’s leave the wheel for later; I want the sunset in it.” They simply nod, looking at the fair, while I decide where to begin. We can start with the rollercoaster and go to all the fast ones first, and leave the Ferris wheel and the slower ones for last. Both look at each other. shrugging their shoulders and nodding in my direction, making me grab one of each hand and pulling them toward the rollercoaster in running steps. After being in all carrousels and about five times on the rollercoaster, we ate all sort of things that are sold in the park, from cotton candy to popcorn, hot dogs, hamburgers, French fries, milkshakes, everything…
I pay for three ice creams and take them to my brothers; give the chocolate one to Vincenzo and the strawberry to Lorenzo. Keeping thestraccietellain my hand, we walk to the ferris wheel to see the sunset. Lorenzo helps me in, and we sit in chairs, me in their middle.
“I’m going to miss being able to annoy you both for a whole afternoon,” I tell them while resting my head on Vincenzo’s shoulder, smelling his woody scent, which I adore.
