I can’t bear to look at Josie because I’ll see the hurt and the hope on her face. That makes me an asshole, but at least I own it.
“So…I tried visiting you in the hospital…”
“I know. I wasn’t really in the mood for visitors.” My words land I blow I hadn’t planned, but maybe it’s better this way.
“Did you get my messages?” she asks.
I shake my head. “Haven’t really been looking at my phone. The meds make my head a little fuzzy.”
She nods.
“Look Jos?—”
“Van, I?—”
We talk over each other, but I stop myself and gesture for her to continue.
“You, um, you missed tutoring last night, which is fine, obviously. Pete said you have a busy rehab schedule, so I thought we could adjust our original schedule. I have a little more time on my hands for the next few weeks, and I want to help you get ready for finals.”
She’s picking at a loose thread on the edge of her shirt. I hate that she’s nervous. I hate that I’m causing her stress. I hate this whole situation, but most of all, I hate what I’m about to say.
“I don’t need tutoring any more, Jos. I’m not staying at BU.”
“What? Why not?”
She’s shocked, but she shouldn’t be. Hockey’s the only reason I’m here to begin with. Now that it’s gone, what’s the point? “Hockey’s over, Jos. My life, as I know it, is over. I’ll head home at the end of the semester. Work construction, like my cousins. Be the guy who used to be great. That’ll be me.”
“Your mom said there’s a possibility you could recover. It would take a long time, but she said there’s a chance.”
“My mom also thinks I’m her brilliant baby boy who just learns a little differently. I love her to death, Josie, but she’s biased. She wants me to get better, so that’s what she thinks is going to happen.”
“Okay, but even without playing hockey, you can stay at BU. You’re so close to earning your degree. Your future isn’t over,Van. It’s just different.” Like my mom, Josie sees a bright side in every situation.
And that leaves me to be the only one who sees things for what they are. “Why would I stay, Jos? My grades are awful. I’m a dumb jock. Well, I used to be a dumb jock. Now I’m just dumb.”
“Don’t say that. You’re smart. You just—” She looks like she either wants to smack me for saying those words or she wants to hug me and make it all better. But there’s no coming back from this.
The stress and pain of the last few days are too much for me to handle and I end up taking my frustration out on the purest person I know. “What? I’m smart in a different way? Save it. That’s all bullshit. Maybe it’s true for some people, but not for me. My brain doesn’t work right. The only thing I had going for me was hockey, and now that’s gone. There’s no future for us. It’s time to face facts. We don’t fit. This isn’t gonna work, Jos.” The bullets of my words hit their marks, but Josie isn’t going down without a fight. I fucking love her bravery, but this is a fight she can’t win.
“Van, you’re overwhelmed. The past few days have been awful. Now isn’t a good time for this conversation. Maybe we should take a few days and?—”
I cut her off because it kills me to see her standing here. “You can take all the days you want, Jos. This is over.”
I’m a coward because I close my eyes and drape my arm over my face. I want to turn onto my side and stare at the damn wall, but my knee feels like it’s on fucking fire and the thought of twisting in any way makes me feel like I’m gonna pass out.
A couple minutes later, I hear Pete’s voice as he walks Josie out. He’s going to give me hell for being a dick to her. But what they don’t see is that I’m doing her a favor.
39
Van
“Good work today,” Marcus says, handing me my water bottle because I’m too exhausted to reach it. “We’ll do it all again tomorrow. And I know you don’t believe me, but you really are making progress.”
“Thanks,” I say. I'm an athlete—well, I was one. My endurance is unmatched. At least it used to be, but physical therapy is kicking my ass.
“Is your ride on the way?”
“Yeah, my cousin is on pick-up duty. He should be here soon.”
