“What? No, definitely not. And now I’m kind of offended. Do I look like a prude?”
“You look like a sexy librarian, which is exactly what you are. And I’m not supposed to call them sex parties. She yells at me when I do that. She’s trying to save up to buy a house, so she’s got this side gig where she sells sex toys and oils and stuff. She started doing it last year and my Aunt Jamie bought like five-hundred dollars’ worth of stuff. She said she was just trying to support her niece, but everybody’s still giving Uncle Brian shit about it. The guy’s not complaining, though, so maybe it was a good investment.”
Van’s trying to get me to laugh, to relax. And I want to do all that, but we need to say some things first.
“I worry that my life is too much. My schedule isn’t really my own, and that’s not going to change for the next…twelve years or so. I’m not saying we’ll be together in twelve years or anything, just that?—”
“We could be,” Van says.
“Could we? You’re going to be in the AHL next year. You’ll be traveling around the country. We don’t even know where your home base will be, and I can’t leave Maryland. I can’t even leave Fernwood Road—not that I want to. It’s just that there will probably be a lot more canceled dates in our future, howeverlong it lasts. And there will be lots of days where all we can do is text or video chat. Your aunt wants to follow you around the country in an RV, and she wants me to tag along. But I can’t. I’m not saying I won’t go to your games. I will, but not as many as I probably should. And that worries me. I’m afraid you’ll feel forgotten or get bored or that all these beautiful fans?—”
“Stop. The only beautiful fan I want is you, Jos. And yeah, I know it’s gonna be different. And it might not be easy. I’ll be away for weeks at a time, but I’ll take three weeks of missed calls and messages over three years of silence. Trust me, Jos, hockey might take me to far off places, but it will never take me from you.”
He seals his promise with a kiss and I have no choice but to believe him.
“But maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to tie yourself to me.”
His words are quiet, and I almost miss them at first. I want to laugh at the absurdity of what he’s saying, but this must be the big thing that’s been bothering him, so I keep my mouth shut and listen.
“I talked to my dad tonight. That never puts me in a good mood, but I was trying to shake it off. Then I saw you with my little cousins and it kind of sent me over the edge. Don’t get me wrong—it was the sweetest, cutest fucking thing. You’re magical, Jos. But it got me thinking.”
He stands and paces and though I want to reach for him, I know that touch isn’t what he needs right now. He’s weaving his hands through his hair in that nervous way he does.
“I'm not like other people, Jos. If we—if I ever have kids, I won't even be able to read them a bedtime story without butchering all the words. I know I’m not the only person at school with a learning disability. I know reading and writing aren’t easy for everyone. But it’s not the same. Sitting in that lecture hall doing timed writes was like my own personal prison sentence. Nobody likes them, I know. But I would look around and everybody was doing it. They were writing the words and making them make sense and I was just staring at a blank page, or worse—a page with the most basic words in the English language because that’s all I’ve fucking got.
“You changed a lot for me and I’m grateful. They’re letting me use software now and things are making more sense. But it’s still hard. When I’m done in May—ifI’m done in May, I’ll never step inside another classroom as long as I live. Hell, I’ll probably hire Pete to read my contracts just to make sure I’m not getting screwed. Is that the life you want, Jos? Because it makes me feel like I’m not a partner. I’m just another person you need to take care of. Maybe…maybe you should find someone who doesn’t need you so damn much.”
Van leans his body up against the door frame and looks at me for any sign of hesitation. It feels like a test, and I’m okay with that. They happen to be my specialty.
I'm tempted to say that we're all good at different things. Or that I can't stay upright on skates. But that's not helpful, and not really an accurate comparison. Because though my athletic ability is limited, it's not necessary. Skating is not something everyone can do. It's not a given, or a basic job requirement. They aren't teaching it to kids across America.
It's not a foundational skill.
My inability to do it well won't ever affect my life.
The same is not true for Van. His disability is severe enough that it does affect his everyday life. It limits his choices. It makes him feel less than, and while I know that’s not true, it doesn’t change the way he sees himself.
I can't say anything to make it all better or make it all go away. But I can be honest. “I don't want anyone else, Van. I just want you.” I hop off his bed and walk over to him, looping my hands around his waist and looking up into his eyes. “I don't love anyone else. I just love you.”
Van lifts me up and I wrap my legs around his waist. He turns us so that my back is to the wall, then he kisses me soundly.
I feel like I’ve passed with flying colors. The feeling of his lips on mine is better than any extra credit I’ve ever earned.
37
Josie
“You are a better person than I am, Mel,” Annabelle says. “There’s no way I would wear those pajamas, let alone for a family photo that’s going to be immortalized on socials. God, look at his face—even the dog knows those PJs are hideous.”
I look at the pic on Mel’s phone again and I give my best friend all the credit in the world. She’s been taken into the Franconetti fold and there’s no turning back, but she’s thrilled to be part of their crazy family.
Mel just laughs. “They are absolutely the ugliest thing I’ve ever worn, but they are so freaking soft. Besides, it made Wendi happy, so I was glad to do it. And because I was brave enough to wear the giant antlers in the pic, Wes didn’t have to. Now Will’s brother owes me one, and I’m saving that shit for a rainy day.”
It’s a Saturday night hockey game with the girls and I’m loving every minute of it. We’ve been back from Thanksgiving break for nearly a week, and the guys are excited to get back on the ice. They’re playing Woo! U, which only intensifies the energy in the arena. It’s their second matchup this season and thankfully their last. I have no doubt the Wolves will bring homethe win again, but last night’s game was brutal and I know tonight’s will be just as physical. The guys haven’t come out to warm up yet, so we’re taking some time to catch up. Once the puck drops, though, Annabelle will give us a thorough play-by-play. For a girl who knew nothing about the sport a few months ago, she sure has picked it up fast. Mel and I are happy to watch and let Annabelle fill us in on what we miss. It’s a fast-paced game, and I have to admit that I still lose sight of the puck sometimes.
“How’d you get the night off, Josie?” Annabelle asks. “We don’t usually get to sit with you two games in a row.”
“Truth. Not that I don’t love having you here, because you know I do, but shouldn’t you be at a spoiled child’s birthday party or swim meet right now?”
