"You wanna talk about it? I promise not to go all big-brother on you. I am capable of listening, I swear."
I look down at the letter in my lap. It's too dark in here to read it, even with the light streaming in from the kitchen. It doesn't matter, though. I'm pretty sure I've memorized every perfectly imperfect word. I fold up the wrinkled paper and tuck it in my pocket. I don't keep secrets from Levi—our familydynamic wouldn't work if we did. But this isn't my secret to share and it's a trust I'd never betray, not as a tutor and not as a friend, if that's even what you'd call Van and me.
Levi nods in understanding. He knows I'd never keep anything important from him.
"He didn't make me cry," I say, finally getting around to answering him. "Not intentionally, anyway. I learned some things tonight, that's all. What happened between us years ago was as much my fault as it was his. And tonight I found out that there's more to the story. He's been trying to talk to me about it for the past few weeks and I kept refusing. But tonight, I listened. I'll spare you the details, but I don't know. I wish I could go back in time and fix what's broken. I can't, of course, but it feels like my heart is breaking all over again, for both of us."
Levi dunks another cookie into his coffee—a preference I'll never have—and looks at me. He's got Dad's eyes, just like I do. "You gonna take him back?"
I nearly choke on my tea. "What? No. I mean, he doesn't want that. He was just setting the record straight."
Levi shakes his head. "You learned to read when you were four, Josie. Mom found you in the living room going through my school bag and trying to read one of the books inside. You handed it to her and said, 'Show me.' By dinnertime, you made Dad drive us to the library to get the rest of the series."
"So?" I'm convinced now more than ever that my proclivity for reading really comes down to luck. Yes, my parents had something to do with it; we were always surrounded by books. My dad loved his crossword puzzles, and my mom was a trivia nut. My siblings and I are all sort of school-minded and while I'm sure our environment played a role, I think our brains are just wired that way. Van's isn't, but that doesn't mean he isn't intelligent. When I think of the lengths he's had to go to, themasking he's done—it boggles my mind. He's one of the smartest people I know, and I wish I could make him see that.
"You're smart. Like, crazy smart," my brother continues. "But you're missing something big here. If this guy's been begging you for weeks to hear his side of the story, if he wrote you that note that made you cry and reconsider everything you thought you knew? He's not doing it just to set the record straight, Josie. He's doing it because he wants you back."
His pronouncement made, my brother takes our cups into the kitchen and sticks them in the dishwasher. He calls goodnight and heads up the stairs, leaving me here with my thoughts. I really don't think Levi's right. I mean, Van hasn't given any indication that he wants to try again. At least, I don't think he has. I'm no expert on relationships. I could text Mel and get her advice, but I'm not so sure she's an unbiased source. Van said today that she's been urging him to talk to me for years. She's been doing the same to me. If I even hinted that I sort of thought he might possibly want to rekindle what we had, Mel would be thrilled.
But that's dangerous territory.
I mean, let's just go with Levi's theory for a minute. Let's say Van really does want to pick up where we left off. It would never work. He's headed to the AHL next year, and I’m willing to bet he'll go pro before long. I'm not one for any sort of spotlight. Van is the life of every party. I have no doubt he'll be the darling of New York or Chicago or wherever he ends up. That is not my world, but I'd never hold him back. Besides, my future is here—literally, right here in this house. I made a promise to Levi and I'm not breaking it. Even still, I love Zane, and Tillie, and Milo, and Iris with my whole heart. I want to come home. I want the simple joys I left. I want to work at their school library and run them to their activities and do science experiments and makecookies for bake sales. My family means everything to me, and I can't leave them. I won't, I know that for certain.
But I also know that at the very least, Van deserves an explanation. Our breakup took two people, and I share half the blame. He was vulnerable and honest with me today, so I owe him the very same thing.
22
Josie
Josie: Do you think you might have time to talk tonight?
Van: All we have to do tonight is read and study for a quiz that’s not even happening until next week, so I’m wide open.
Josie: I see what you're doing and it isn't going to work. Older sister/guardian of a teenager, remember?
Van: It was worth a shot. But yeah, I can talk. I'm meeting the guys back at the rink when we're done since our game against Woodcock is this weekend. But that's not until 10:00, so I've got time.
Josie: Thanks. I'll see you tonight.
I glance over the texts I exchanged with Van earlier today. I’m nervous, and I shouldn’t be. Van will be here in five minutes to start his tutoring session, and, like he said, we have a light night. He’s been listening to the audiobook, so we’ll discuss what’s happened in the latest chapters to get him ready for his quiz. And I’ve made some digital organizers for him, so hopefully that will help.
Did I spend hours on the internet today learning everything I could about functional illiteracy? Of course, I did. And what I learned was surprising. Van’s not alone. The statistics arestaggering. The number of people in the United States who fall into that category is way higher than I expected, and a lot of what I read matched up with Van’s history. Literacy isn’t as easy as many of us make it out to be. It feels basic to me, and it’s something I take for granted. I don’t remember a time when I couldn’t read—or even a time when I couldn’t read well. It’s just something my brain knows how to do. So, I’m doing my best to learn ways to help Van’s brain have an easier time with the reading and writing that he has to complete for these courses.
Thankfully, for someone like Van, the digital age has lots to offer. I never thought much of it, but looking back, it’s obvious to me that he talks into his phone a lot more than he taps on it. He plays messages aloud that I would just read in my head. I chalked it up to personal preference, but now I’m realizing just how many adjustments he’s had to make. I also found out that the school has access to some dictation software that could really save him some time and some stress.
Once we get through all of that, we should have plenty of time for me to come clean about things I should have explained years ago. He was brave enough to open up to me last night, so now it’s my turn. Or, it will be in an hour or so.
Taking my seat in the familiar spot we’ve commandeered each night, I smile when I see him walk through the doors. But he’s not alone.
"Hi, Josie," Van says, his smile a little tight as he drops his bag on the table and fishes out his laptop. "This is Jeff, the TA from my Medieval History course."
"Hi, Jeff," I say, smiling awkwardly and wondering why Van brought company. Jeff doesn’t smile back. He can’t be much older than Van and I are, but his navy blue tie, matching sport coat, khakis, and loafers give him an authoritative air.
"You’re Ms. Reynolds, the tutor?" he asks, and I nod. Jeff looks at me skeptically for a moment and I begin to wonder ifhe’s going to ask to see my license or Bainbridge ID. He must decide that my library nametag is sufficient, though, because he hands over an official-looking manila folder.
"Since the hockey team is leaving campus early tomorrow, Dr. Danforth would like Beckett to take his test tonight. These are confidential materials, and they are authorized for your eyes only." Jeff takes a quick look around the library as though he’s scanning the premises for cheaters who are about to ambush me and steal these precious documents.
I want to laugh, but poor Jeff is taking his duty so seriously that I school my features while he issues detailed instructions about how to proctor the test. Finally satisfied with my assurances to monitor Van and keep the testing materials safe, Jeff leaves.
