But this time, there was a thunderstorm, the kind that comes on without much warning and does irreversible damage in amatter of minutes. Mom's minivan hydroplaned, spun out, and rolled before crashing into a telephone pole and catching fire. My parents died on impact, we were told. The only reason Levi was spared was because he was in the very back. Still, he didn’t escape unscathed. First responders arrived quickly, but not before he suffered burns on the left side of his face and down his left arm.
Meanwhile, I was home babysitting the younger kids. Zane was ten, the twins were three, and Iris was only a few months old. I was getting worried because they were late. I kept calling and texting, but no one answered.
So, yes, I might have attachment issues. No surprise there. But my solution is simple: I just don’t get attached. Well, at least I try not to. I met Mel Cohen freshman year of college and she just decided we’d be friends. I had little say in the matter, but I have to admit she’s one of the best people I know and I’m lucky to have her.
I became attached to someone else freshman year, too. But that didn’t work out nearly as well. We got so close so quickly that I foolishly thought I’d found my person. But then, just as suddenly as it started, it all fell apart and I was left alone.
I shake my head. There’s no reason to think about Van now. We never see each other, and on the rare occasions that we do, we pretend it’s not happening. It’s easier that way. He has his side of campus with his teammates and his hockey house and all the parties that go with it. And I have my single dorm room, my small circle of friends, and my job at the library.
It’s crazy now to think we ever got together in the first place. We’re total opposites. I’m a quiet study carrell and he’s a loud basement kegger. I’m an introvert and he’s an extrovert. I’m to-do lists and he’s go-with-the-flow. My life is filled with commitments and his is carefree.
Somehow though, despite our differences, we connected on so many levels. He made me laugh and forget about the heaviness of my life. He listened while I talked endlessly about my courses and all the books I was reading. He’s so passionate about hockey, and I loved hearing him explain the game and its rules.
As crazy as it seems, we worked. Until we didn’t. And that’s what I need to remember. Beckett Vandaele is just a guy I used to know, and I need to stop thinking about him. Embarrassingly, he still stars in my very best fantasies, but the opposite is definitely not true. In all likelihood, he barely remembers our short time together. Besides, it was so long ago, there’s no point in getting wistful now. There’s also no point in remembering the way he kissed, the way we touched, the way my body felt like it was on fire when he was around. No one since has had that kind of power over me, but maybe that’s a good thing? At least, that’s what I tell myself.
Before I can get too far down the lusty rabbit hole, I hear the garage door groan. Levi’s home.
Moments later, my older brother walks into the room, hangs his jacket on the hook, tosses his keys and wallet on the end table, and sinks down into the chair across from mine.
“Everything go okay?” he asks, just like he does every Wednesday night. After the accident, we were both in a bit of a tailspin. While Levi was in the hospital and the rehab center, I was holding down the fort—and holding an infant—here at home. I finished my senior year online and took a gap year between high school and college to be with my family. If it had been up to me, I probably never would have stepped foot on the Bainbridge campus. I’m a homebody by nature, and the accident only exacerbated that. I’d have happily taken all my classes online, but once he began to recover, Levi insisted that I have the same opportunity to go to college that he did. I protested,because I really had been happy here at home, but Levi wasn’t budging. He said I needed to get out and experience the world, and as usual, my brother was right.
But there was no way I was leaving forever. I chose Bainbridge because it’s only half an hour away and also because I was awarded one of the full scholarships they offer each year. Levi and I made a deal. During my four years at Bainbridge, I’d live on campus to get the full experience, but I’d also come home on weekends and Wednesdays to lighten Levi’s load. And I’m here every summer and every break. I do my best to be a support system for him, and also a surrogate parent to my siblings. It’s a lot to juggle, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Yep,” I say. “We were a few minutes late to Trunk or Treat, but we got all the fake blood cleaned up on the carpet in Iris and Tillie’s room, and since the little ones have been using Zane’s credit card to buy all manner of things online, I ordered him a new one tonight.”
For a second, Levi’s eyes go wide. “So, a typical night, huh?”
“Pretty much,” I say, laughing.
“Good Lord, do I even want to know what they were buying online?” he asks, wincing.
I shake my head. “I’ll tell you in the morning, when we’ve both had caffeine. For now, since you’re back safe and sound, I’m heading to bed.”
He nods. “Thanks, Josie.”
“For what?” I ask, turning back around.
“For what? For everything. For doing this with me. You wouldn’t have to. And I told you, you don’t have to drive back here every Wednesday. I can do my therapy appointments online, you know.”
Resting my hand on the banister, I survey my older brother. We have the same brown hair, the same whiskey-colored eyes. He’s taller than I am, but that’s not hard, since I’m only 5’ 3”.He’s got my dad’s smile and my mom’s stubborn streak. The burn scars on his face and arm have faded, but I know the scars he’s carrying inside are just as fresh, just as tender as they were five years ago.
I think of myself as fiercely protective. I’m quiet and reserved, shy in a crowd. But for the people I love, there’s no limit to my loyalty. But Levi has me beat. He loves with such intensity. He finished college remotely while healing from devastating injury and life-altering loss. He loves my brothers and sisters and me more than anything. He’s devoted his life to taking care of all of us—me included.
But someone needs to look out for him.
“Ok,” I counter, “but what about game night at the bookstore? You can’t do that online.”
Levi looks at me like I’m crazy. “It’s an online game, Josie. I play it almost daily…online.”
Brothers. I roll my eyes. “I know, but you play with actual cards when you go to the bookstore. And you see actual people. And if I have to go out into the world and be social, then so do you.”
“I am social. Like the very definition of social,” he says, holding up his phone.
Again, I roll my eyes. Levi’s a classically trained musician with a troubadour’s heart. He’s a songwriter, and he’s damn good at it. I always smile when I hear one of the songs he penned on the radio at Drip. This past summer, one of his songs went viral on QuikTok when he sang it. Since then, he's gotten more business than he can handle. Some of the most famous singers in the world want to collaborate with him. He helped me reach my dreams, and I’m going to make sure he chases his, even if it means forcing him out of his comfort zone—and our house.
“You know what I mean. And recording yourself in a half-darkened room does not count as socializing.”
“Fine,” he sighs dramatically. “But next year?—”
