He looks at the rest of us with pity, as though the answer is obvious and we’re pathetic for having missed it. “Tiana, no question. She’s badass as fuck, traveling the swamp as a damn frog, but beyond that, the woman has skills. Actual, marketable skills. She can hold down a damn job unlike the princesses you all picked.”
“Hold up, being the queen of Arendell is a job,” I remind my best friend.
“Not if you hide away in your literal ice castle with a fuckin’ snow monster,” he counters.
“Besides,” Knox says, “in the second—”
“No! No spoilers,” Whit calls out, clasping his hands over his ears. “We’ve only watched the first ten minutes of that one because Rose fell asleep, and we didn’t want to watch it without her. We’re not assholes.” He shakes his head before turning back to me. “You sure you can’t come along, Book? You have two days off, and I know it. Ollie told me.”
I shrug. “Yeah, but that’s barely enough time to enjoy anything. I’ll get there and then have to fly back the next day. Besides, Santos, Norris, and I want to meet up and talk team building for next year. Plus, someone needs to stay here and keep Stefan in line.”
At the mention of his beloved hairless cat, my best friend’s face breaks into a smile. “You’ll look out for my boy?”
“Of course.”
“It’s supposed to rain, though. You know where his raincoat is, right? And his boots?”
“Right there in the little cubby you got for him,” I answer, nodding to the cute little coat rack and bench Whit ordered. It’s probably actually for toddlers, but it works well for cats, too.
“Listen, you guys have fun. And send me pictures. What time are you leaving?”
“At ass-thirty in the morning. That’s why we’re going to bed,” Ty says, taking Phoebe’s hand.
“Bullshit,” Whit coughs. “You’re going to bed so you can bone. And actually, that’s a hell of an idea. What do you say, Lucy Violet? Let’s go do dirty things to each other on the third floor.”
Knox reaches for Willa. “C’mon, Mama. Baby girl should be fast asleep by now. But that still doesn’t mean you can be as loud as you want. No one needs the neighbors calling.”
She smacks him. “Our closest neighbor is half a mile away.”
Knox just smiles. “I said what I said.”
They all go upstairs, couple by couple. I sit alone on the couch, wishing my guy could be here too. Wishing that playful banter could be ours. Wishing I had the guts to own up to the way I feel. But I don’t, and he’s not my guy. So I don’t deserve him.
I was such a coward the other day at Drip. I don’t even know why I went in there. After that class, my head was spinning. I had a thousand questions, and I didn’t know what to do with them. So, of course, I ended up at the one place I always go: to Ian. Talking to him is soothing. He makes the world make sense, and when I feel like I’m losing my footing, I always find my way to him.
But that’s hardly fair. Here I am, withholding the fact that I was pulled from his class, and yet I seek him out to help me unravel the crazy, confusing thoughts in my head. But when I saw him, and started talking to him, it was like all coherent thoughts escaped me and I just began babbling. Because what else was I gonna say? I can just picture it now, me blurting out something along the lines of:I really think I’m gay and that I’m demi and so I never wanted to have sex with Lexi because even though I cared about her, she’s not what does it for me. But there is this guy that I feel really close to. And I’m crazy attracted to. And guess what, it’s you! Surprise!
Yeah, that would hardly have been fair. So, I guess I made the right call by holding back. I don’t need to burden Ian with my identity crisis, and I don’t really want to have the ‘Do you like me? Check yes or no’conversation.
Once again, it boils down to the fact that I’m just not brave enough to go after what I want. And I only have myself to blame.
Ian
I figured spring break would be a good time to get caught up on everything. The library’s closed, and almost everyone has cleared out of my apartment complex in favor of points south, so it’s nice and quiet here.
I spent the morning grading, and I planned on using the afternoon to catch up on emails. And it’s a good thing I did because a particularly interesting email is staring back at me from my inbox.
To: [email protected]; [email protected]
From: [email protected]
RE: Withdrawal
I am writing to inform you that as of today, Booker Zabek (BU ID#3489721) is withdrawn from Psychology of Sexuality, Section 494. This withdrawal was initiated by the student’s parent via contact with athletic advising.
If there are any concerns, please let me know.
Thanks,
