My only excuse is that Booker has a rare night off from hockey, and since Willa and Phoebe are over at Ian’s, and Baby Rose is fast asleep upstairs, the four of us guys are all free for a night. So, instead of focusing on my future, I’m hanging with my best friends. I figure my future has waited this long, what’s one more day?
Ty and Knox are in an unofficial contest to see who can eat more of the crab dip I made. Stefan, aka the world’s best cat, is curled up on his fluffy bed at my feet, while Booker and I are squaring off against each other in a game of NHL Ice. Booker’s a little off tonight, and I beat him handily. The video graphic light flashes on screen as I win, and I shoot my best friend a look. “Dude? You been drinking? I haven’t beat you at this game since middle school. And I’m pretty sure you had the flu that weekend.”
He just looks at me and holds up his sugar-free Gatorade. “Just this.”
“Everything alright, Book? Things still shitty with your folks?” I know from talking to my mom that things are still tense in the Zabek house, but Booker hasn’t really opened up about any of it.
“Yeah, nothing’s changed there. And nothing ever will.” He ambles to the fridge for more Gatorade and grabs three beers then passes them around. That’s friendship.
“Whit’s right, man. I know things have been rough for a while, but you know we’re all here for you, right?” Ty says sincerely before shoving a tortilla chip in his mouth.
“Seriously, I’m with Ty. Brothers from other mothers and all that,” I say, repeating our catchphrase from childhood. For a moment, he pauses, and I think he’s about to say something, but he blinks and the moment is lost.
“Nah, I’m good. It’s just the same old stuff, you know? Fallon’s threatening to move out, but that’s becoming a weekly occurrence, so it’s definitely nothing new. And if I think about my dad and all his demands, I’ll go crazy, so let’s talk about something else.”
“Let’s talk about Lucy,” Knox pipes up, a shit-eating grin on his face as he tosses the baby monitor in the air and catches it. He’s such an instigator, always has been. “How’s your stepsister, Whitman?”
I could make a joke. Or flip him off. Or both. Instead, I go for honesty. “She’s got me more tied up in knots than ever before. I know this thing between us isn’t going anywhere, right? She’s basically said so. And she’s right.”
“Why?” Booker asks. “Why is she right?”
I set down my controller and sigh. “Like it or not, she and I are basically related now. Ok, not technically, or biologically, or whatever. But the fact is, our parents are married. And if Lucy and I started dating? Well, it would look weird, right? Her dad would freak. And honestly, it could cause issues for my mom. She’s finally happy, Book. The other night at that awards thing? She was so proud of her husband, so obviously happy to be with him. So, let’s say Lucy and I start dating, or whatever. Then, six months down the road, she realizes she can’t do the long-distance thing. Or maybe one day she wakes up and realizes I have nothing to offer her other than killer Chicken Parm and multiple orgasms. What then? That would put such a strain on my mom’s relationship. And I can’t do that, Booker. I’ve already fucked her life up enough.”
I can tell they all want to argue—the subject of my dad and my guilt and my general shittiness at being a human is a topic we definitely don’t see eye-to-eye on.
Knox sets his beer on a side table. “I get that it would be awkward if things didn’t work out between you two. Or even between your parents, for that matter. But listen to yourself, Whit. You keep thinking about what happens when Lucy breaks it off. But what about you? Why couldn't you be the one who gets the shits of the long-distance thing?”
“I can’t believe I’m about to says this,” Ty interrupts, “but Big Daddy over here has a point.”
Again, I could bullshit them or tell a joke. Those are my go-to moves, always have been. But I’m tired of all that. I look around the room at my three best friends. “You know why I talk in those terms? Because the fact is, I would never leave Lucy, no matter what. It’s as simple, and as fucking complicated, as that. It’s shitty and unfair and fucked up, but if this is the way it has to be, then I’ll deal. I know I’m her dirty little secret. And that should piss me the hell off. It does. But…I still pick up when she calls every night. I still text her all damn day. I still want her more than I want my next breath. And as crazy as it sounds, I know she loves me, too.”
Ty and Knox share a look before Ty raises his half-empty beer in my direction. “I get it. Believe me, I get it. Phoebe is the last person on earth I should have fallen in love with, but when it came down to it, I had no choice.”
“I hear that,” Knox says, still flipping the baby monitor in his hands. “So…to sum up tonight’s events, Booker’s dad’s still a dickhole, Whit’s still over his ass in love with Lucy, Ty actually agreed with me for once, and I have eaten my weight in crab dip. Sound about right?”
“You know there’s morein the fridge, right?” I tell him, standing up and stretching. “And I made stuffed mushrooms.”
“You are a god among men,” Knox tells me as Rose’s cries filter through the baby monitor.
“Let me heat some up while you check on the Rosebud, huh?”
“You’re the best,” he tells me before taking the stairs two at a time.
“You guys both want more food?” I ask.
Ty’s flipping through his phone, more than likely texting his fiancée. He gives me a thumbs up while Booker follows me into the kitchen.
He’s pawing through the fridge, grumbling.
“Quit your bitchin, Book. Celery sticks are in the crisper and there’s hummus in there, too.”
“What are we all going to do when you’re not here to feed us?” he asks.
“Seriously, Whit,” Ty chimes in. “You’re gonna have to open a restaurant unless you want all of us to show up on your doorstep periodically.”
I hate to think about what life is going to look like in just a year and a half. And I'm too much of a chickenshit to admit it out loud, but I’m not sure I can survive without my boys.
Luckily, a ding from my phone saves me from having to bare my soul any more tonight. It’s Lucy, in a slinky black dress. It goes just past her knees, and it has long sleeves. The collar is nearly a turtleneck. But for all that fabric, there's no hiding her perfect curves.
