“Wasn’t it? Because I’ll tell you what I do know, Book. I know what I’ve heard people say in hushed tones all my life. I know that we left our house as a family that day. Drove to the marina in a goddamn minivan. I know my mom was tired, so she went below deck to nap. I know my dad was watching me. I know I screamed my head off every time he put the life jacket around me, and he was worried I’d wake my mom, so he let me sit on the deck with him. I know he turned his back for one second. One fucking second, Book. But that was all it took for me to jump in the water and for our lives to never be the same.” My voice breaks on the last word and before I know it, I’m a fucking wreck and Booker’s wrapping his arms around me while my body shakes.
Booker pulls back, looking at me. “Here’s what I know: that day was a tragedy. But from everything I've heard and every picture I've ever seen, your dad adored you. He saved you. And though I wish to God he hadn’t died, I'm so grateful you didn’t.”
“But what the hell did he die for, Book? So that I could survive? Jesus, what have I ever done to deserve that sacrifice?”
My best friend winces at the harshness of my words, but I’m not done. “I’m serious. He sacrificed his fucking life for me, and what the hell do I have to show for it? I’m an overgrown party boy. I have no direction, no real passion besides taking care of you guys. And any therapist worth their salt would say that’s because I’m afraid of losing you. I’m a goddamn mess, Book. A combination of pills and adrenaline and one-liners. How far is that gonna get me in life?”
He’s clearly had enough of my rant because he hugs me again. “How far is that gonna get you? As far as you want. You think you don’t have passion? Whit, you put more love into making a piece of toast than a lot of people put into long-term relationships. And for the record, you’ll never lose us. It’s the four of us forever. Always has been, always will be. I know you’re freaked out about graduation next year and what comes after that, but don’t be. Just try to get rid of us and see what happens.
“My parents believe in heaven, you know. And when they talk about it, I always envision this place above the clouds where people are walking around and looking down and watching all of us. They probably shake their heads half the time. But if a place like that really exists, and I like to think it does, then I know that’s where your dad is. And I know he’s proud of you—of the way you take care of people. No one’s keeping score, Whit. He was your dad and he loved you more than anything. You don’t have to earn that kind of love, Whit. You shouldn’t have to, anyway.”
He’s right, and I know it, even if believing it is a different thing all together. “You sure as hell better not leave me, Book. Who else is gonna kick my ass out of a funk?”
He offers half a smile. “Ty and Knox—even Phoebe. It’s what a family is supposed to do.”
I take his words to heart, letting them sink into my thick head so I can shake off this mood. Dwelling on the past never does any good, I know that much. But there’s still one thing that’s fucking with my mind. “My mom is marrying Lucy’s dad, Book. This changes everything.”
* * *
An hour later,I realize I’m right.
Whit:So…this is awkward…
I type my message into the void of cyberspace and hope Lucy’s around. Hell, I hope this is still her number.
Despite the fact that our relationship—which was no relationship at all, just a fucking pipedream in my head—got the official kibosh today, I feel a need to connect with her. Up until a few weeks ago, she was The One Who Got Away. But, for me at least, our night together cemented the fact that she’s my person. My other half. Unfortunately, I’m pretty certain she doesn’t feel the same. I didn’t fit into her plan when we were sixteen, or even a couple weeks ago. And I sure don’t fit into her plan now. Unlucky for me, Lucy loves a damn plan.
Lucy: It’s fine. Everything is fine.
I laugh, because I can hear her voice in my head.
Whit: A couple weeks ago, my head was between your thighs, and you were moaning uncontrollably. And now we’re going to be stepsiblings.
Whit: Everything is not fine, Lucy.
Lucy:Well, that’s over now, obviously. That’s what we agreed on. And it’s for the best. We were always a summer thing, right? And summer doesn’t last. Besides, we live a thousand miles apart. This would never work.
Whit.Yeah…never.
Lucy: You know what? You are the only person in my life who calls me on my shit. Everyone else just falls in line. But not you.
Whit: It’s part of my charm.
Lucy: It’s…something. But in all honesty, Whit, it’s probably best that we said our goodbye.
Whit: I’m Whit now?
The words fly from my fingers before I can stop them.
Lucy:You should be happy. When we were younger, you bit my head off every time I called you by your first name.
She has a point, and maybe now is not the time to mention that I’ve only ever loved my given name when it fell from her lips.
Lucy: Besides, I’m basically in a relationship with my career for the next ten years, at least. It’s not like you were going to hang around and wait for me.
Does she want me to answer that? Because waiting sounds like a feasible game plan from where I’m standing now.
Lucy: But I’m glad we had our night. And I wish it didn’t have to end, but it really is for the best, you know. Plus, if we did decide to, you know, see each other or something? Well, I just can’t mess up my dad’s shot at happiness, you know? He’s been alone forever, and I’ve never seen him as happy as he is when he’s talking about your mom. He deserves that.
