She laughs softly. “A story?”
I smile in the darkness. “Yea.”
“What kind of story?”
“Tell me about when Rose was born.” The air between us goes still for a moment; then Willa speaks.
“Nothing too dramatic. In movies and TV, there’s always this scene where the woman’s water breaks out of the blue, or she doubles over from contractions, right?”
I nod, though she can’t see me.
“But no. Not for Rose and me. I was having contractions steadily all day at work.”
“You worked on the day you gave birth?” I ask. “That seems excessive.”
“Uh, yea. A lot of people do. There’s this thing called money. And I needed it. But really, they weren’t terrible in the morning. I just figured it was back pain. And they were really far apart at first. But by the time the dinner shift rolled around, they were pretty intense, so I checked in with my doctor and then Jada, one of my waitress friends, drove me to the hospital. Things progressed pretty quickly then. There wasn’t even time for an epidural.”
I lie here next to her, taking it all in, wishing like hell I’d been there. She doesn’t say it, but I’m betting she was alone. Jesus.
“So, they handed her to me, right? Skin-to-skin contact is a really big thing after babies are born. Anyway... Her name was supposed to be Callista.”
“Callista?” I ask. “For real?”
“One hundred per cent. I love that name. I was going to call her Callie. Cutest name ever, right? For the cutest girl ever. But when I looked at her, all I could see was you. She had tons of hair, even then. It was so dark and thick, and the nurse was all like,don’t get too attached to that hair, mama. It’ll fall out and probably come in blonde like yours.And her eyes were so brown, almost black. And that same nurse saidbabies' eyes change so much.But she has a cleft in her chin, like you do, and those full lips, and it made me think of you. I missed you so much.” Her voice hitches, and my heart breaks. I’m full-on holding her right now, though I’m not exactly sure when that happened. But we’re wrapped up in each other, each of us seeking solace in the other’s arms.
She takes a shaky breath and then tells me, “So I named her Rose. Rose Lorraine,” like that explains everything.
“It’s a beautiful name.” I say. “Lorraine for your grandma, right?”
“Yes, and Rose for you. I kept picturing you and wondering what you were up to, and my mind’s eye kept conjuring up that night by the water. Remember? You showed me your first tattoo—a rose. And maybe it was the hormones or the drugs or just the intensity of all of it, but that name just fit.”
Tears are streaming down my face, and I don’t give the first fuck. There’s anger coursing through me—anger at my mother for robbing us of so much. But there’s joy, too. And so much gratitude. “You’re amazing,” I tell her. “So fucking amazing. I’m so sorry, baby. I wish I had been there. I wish like hell I’d have been right there with you to hold your hand and smooth back your hair and to tell you that Callista sounds like a pasta dish Whit might make.” She laughs, and I’d pay money to hear that sound again.
I can’t think of anything else to say that won’t make me cry or rage, so I just lie there, breathing in her scent, holding her body, and listening to her breathe. Soon, she’s fast asleep. I’m not, but that restless feeling is gone, so I close my eyes and drift off, peacefully, for the first time in a year and a half.
* * *
I wakein the middle of the night to a strange sound. At first, my sleep-muddled brain figures Whit’s got some girl upstairs and he’s making her scream like a cat in heat. Wouldn’t be the first time. Or maybe he and Booker are watching a movie. But soon, I realize that’s no college co-ed or scream queen. That’s my kid.
Willa sleeps peacefully beside me, so I crawl out of bed as quietly as I can and step into Rose’s room. I turn on the lamp and see her standing in her crib, her little fists holding on to the rail.
“Hey, baby. What’s all the fuss?” I scoop her up into my arms and lay her down on the changing table to check her diaper. Sure enough, it’s soaked, so I make quick work of that, talking to her as I go. “You need to stay quiet, little one, ok? We need to let mama get some sleep, ok?”
She babbles back like we’re having an actual conversation. I sit down in the rocker, hoping the gentle motion will lull her back to sleep, but I have no such luck. Soon, she starts fussing again, and I realize she’s probably hungry. Willa said she does this sometimes, but what the hell am I supposed to do? “Hmmm, baby girl. Daddy doesn’t have the goods...and we’re not waking up your mama if we can help it. Guess we’re going on a field trip.”
I carry Rose through the quiet house. The clock on the microwave tells me it’s 3:30am. Very carefully, and with only one hand, I warm up the milk and make a bottle. And I only spill a couple of drops, which is totally a win. A few minutes later, we’re back in the warm glow of her bedroom. Ideally, I’d have the lights off, I guess, but I’m not at pro-level yet.
We rock and talk. Rose sucks down her bottle hungrily, and I take a minute just to look at her. Her hair’s even longer than it was a few weeks ago. It looks almost like she’s wearing a little baby wig. And her cheeks are fuller. She’s the most beautiful child I’ve ever seen, and I’m grateful all over again that Willa brought her into this world. But looking at her also makes me wonder what she was like those first few months. What all did I miss?
I can’t change it. I can’t go back, even though I wish I could. But I can do my best from here on out.
Chapter 21
Willa
“Don’t get used to this,”I warn Knox as I stir my coffee cup and perch at the counter. “We’re leaving tomorrow.”
“Uh-huh,” he laughs. “That’s what you’ve been saying for the last three days, and yet…” He raises his eyebrow as he dumps a handful of Cheerios on her highchair tray.
