He scoffs. “What the hell does it matter now, Phoebe? You already know everything.”
“But I didn’t hear it from you.”
He looks torn, like he wants to talk just as much as he wants me to leave, but I can’t let that happen, so I press on, walking farther into the room and sitting on the edge of his bed. “My scholarship. The Cobb Foundation. That’s all you, right?”
“Yes.” He nods. “But, look. Initially, I just set it up because...God, I saw you that day in the courtroom. The day of the verdict. I was in the back--I wasn’t sitting with Brett’s family. Anyway, I couldn’t stop thinking about how doubly unfair all of it was. We were the same age, and when the proceedings ended that day, I drove right back here and went to class. But you didn’t get to do that. Nothing that the judge said could have restored what you lost, I know that. Nothing can bring Dylan back, and I’m so fucking sorry about that.” His eyes are red and rimmed with tears. “You’d already lost so much. So I tried to give you the one thing I could--a chance at what I had and often took for granted. So, I took part of my trust and made a scholarship for you--anonymously. It was never about meeting you. I just wanted you to have a piece of the life you were supposed to have. But once I saw you? Yea, that was all me. And I’m a selfish bastard because I knew--I knew--it was wrong and I did it anyway because I wanted to be with you. And every time my conscience got the better of me and I tried to do the right thing? Every fucking time, I caved. I caved to my attraction to you. My need to be with you. And that was wrong. So wrong. And I’m sorry--truly. It’s not enough, but there it is. I wanted to tell you so many times, but I’m too much of a selfish asshole.”
“That’s because you really are Darcy,” I say, cracking half a smile.
He shakes his head. “You have me confused, Phoebe. I’m no hero.”
“You did this--all of this,” I say, holding up the scholarship letter, “in the background. You fixed what you could so I’d have happiness. That’s Darcy. And I have to admit, in both cases, he’s not nearly as bad as I first thought.”
He lets out a breath, stands, and walks to the window. “I’m not as good as you hoped, Phoebe. Not by a long shot.”
“Stop,” I say. “That’s enough.”
“You wanted to hear it--there it is, Phoebe.”
“Stop it. Stop saying such mean things about yourself. God. Was I angry? Yes. Hell yes. Was it wrong? Yea, we both know it was. But maybe it was right, too? Because as much as Brett stole from me? He stole from you, too. And I’m not letting him steal anymore. I love you, Ty. And Dylan? He only ever wanted the best for me. He wasn’t one of those awful older brothers who teased me or never let me hang around. He was the opposite. He’d have done anything for me. He wanted me to be happy. And you, Ty Marshall, make me happy. Now, I’m not saying I can ever have a holiday with those people--I can’t. I won’t, but…”
“You won’t have to,” he tells me.
“I know. I saw the end of the video.”
He laughs mirthlessly. “More than that, actually. I’m no longer part of their family, not that I ever really was. But that doesn’t mean we should be together.”
“Ty--” His words sting, but from the look on his face, I can tell they hurt him just as much.
“I don’t deserve you, Phoebe. I never did. I don’t deserve your trust. But please, know this: I love you. I have for longer than I should admit, and I’ll never stop. But that’s not why I said the things I did at the hearing. Everything I said? I said because it was the right thing to do, the right thing to say. They needed to hear the truth. But that doesn’t negate the fact that I hurt you, that I lied. Because, fuck me, I’m a selfish bastard who just couldn’t stay away from you.”
This conversation is breaking my already battered heart and I can’t stand to be even a step away from him for another minute. I get up and walk toward the window to stand in front of him. “Answer me this: were you with me because you loved me? Or because you felt guilty?”
He looks as though I’ve slapped him. “No, Jesus. Please. Don’t think that. Ever. Phoebe, I love you. I can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else the way I want you, but God help me, I don’t deserve you, but I’ve never stopped loving you. I never will. Look.” He rolls up the sleeve on his left arm, gets frustrated, and pulls his shirt off. And there, in the middle of his right bicep, surrounded by swirls that look suspiciously like the doodles I draw in the margins of my notebook, are the words “You pierce my soul.I am half agony, half hope...I have loved none but you...For you alone I think and plan.” -Jane Austen
“Ty--”
“It’s for you. To remind me of you. And it’s directly across from the one I got for Dylan. I look at his left arm to see the quote I’ve traced before, but could never truly understand.Death, be not proud, though some have called thee mighty and dreadful/Death, thou shalt die. - John Donne
“I love you,” I say, reaching for him.
“But, Phoebe.”
I shake my head. “No buts. I love you. I choose you. And you can choose me back. It’s over, Ty. It’s really over.”
“It is, you know. The board denied early release.”
I nod. “But even if they hadn’t, it’s over. And I’m done living in the past. I just want to live here, in the present, with you.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
I study his face. He looks so tired, and I know these past few weeks have taken their toll. “You do, though. And it’s not about that anyway. Love isn’t something you have to deserve or earn. It’s something freely given. And I can’t help but give mine to you.”
“Can we really do this? Can you look at me without thinking about--”
“Yes,” I say, without hesitation. Any doubts I had have been swept away since I walked into this room. “When I look into your eyes, I don’t see The Bastards. I’m not reminded of the trial or the hearing, or any of that. All I see is the man I fell in love with.”
Finally, he reaches for me, takes my hands, and pulls me into his arms. “So let me tell you what we’re going to do, Ty. We’re going to crawl back into that bed. You’re going to make love to me like it’s your life’s mission to make up for the time we’ve lost. We’re going to fall asleep in each other’s arms. And tomorrow is Wednesday. So we’ll go to our classes, you’ll tutor me and be wildly impressed with my outline. Then I’ll go to work and come back here and that’s just what we'll keep doing. Because we love each other. And we know that biology isn’t what makes you a family.”
