“No way. Besides, they light both a tractor and a giant swan on fire.”
“I forgot about that. Fast forward to the swan.”
“God, you’re bossy. At least you brought snacks.”
“And drinks,” he adds, brandishing a bottle of bourbon.
“Yuck. Why couldn’t you bring wine?”
“Because I don’t have a pussy.”
“Ew. You are not allowed to say that word ever.”
“It just cost me a quarter of a million dollars, two cars, and a house to never have my words and actions dictated by anyone again. I’m done taking orders.”
It’s like the room goes quiet and still at the same time. I can barely even make out Kirstie Alley’s tantrum on-screen. Did Ev just imply what I think he implied? My mouth hangs open when I see his bare ring finger on his left hand. “What the hell?”
“Free as a bird, if slightly poorer in the pocket. Still, I’ll make that back in six months. She’ll be a heartless bitch the rest of her life. I win.”
“You? You’re not married to Victoria? When the hell did this happen? Do mom and dad know? And p.s. Thank goodness! That woman was awful.”
“September, but it was years in the making. And I haven’t told anyone because I haven’t seen you since. I do appreciate your weekly texts, though.” He takes a swig of bourbon and chases it with a Russian teacake.
“God, how dysfunctional is our family? You get divorced, and I don’t hear about it until two months post-mortem? That’s not normal.”
“Mom’s yearly photo of all of us in matching sweaters isn’t normal.”
“Point taken, but seriously, why wouldn’t you call or text? I mean, you’re clearly in a better place, and Victoria’s the spawn of Satan, so I can’t imagine you needed a shoulder to cry on, but still… Not even a phone call?”
“Don’t take it personally, Elaine. Yea, I probably should have had Martha email you, or I should have texted back, but…”
“You should have had your assistant email me about your divorce? What the hell, Ev? Don’t do that. Don’t go all corporate asshole on me. Don’t turn into dad.”
“Low blow.”
“If the Italian leather loafer fits…”
“Ok, that was shitty of me. But we don’t exactly come from great communicators, you know?” At my scowl, he concedes. “I promise to do better, ok? Next time, I kick a vicious Harpy out of my life, I promise to call you. Maybe we can video chat, and you can watch the whole sordid affair go down.”
“You’re an ass.”
“And, an unmarried one, at that.” He smiles, and we watch Kirstie Alley’s character lose her shit at the parade. It’s a bonding moment, to be sure.
MY MOVIE MARATHON WITHEv was lovely while it lasted, but he needed to take a conference call halfway throughDead Again,and I didn’t see him for the rest of the night. If he’s not careful, he really will turn into our father.
I fell asleep around midnight, and I’m still lounging in bed nearly twelve hours later.The soft lavender of my childhood bedroom surrounds me, and I just don’t feel like getting out of bed. I snuck downstairs for coffee a few hours ago and stole another cache of cookies, figuring that would tide me over until dinner is served at 4 o’clock. I’ve got cookies and my Kindle. And blankets. And my mother’s especially bitchy Persian, Claudia, cuddled on my lap, purring contentedly, which is not the norm for her. But I’m never totally content under my parents’ roof either, so I can’t really blame Claudia.
A few years ago, I brought Jimmy along to my parents’ for Christmas, afraid he’d get lonely and go stir-crazy if I left him overnight. Turns out Jimmy much prefers an empty house to any house with my mother in it.
He’s a smart guy, my cat.
Cookies, cat, and Kindle are pretty much a triumvirate of perfection, and yet, I can’t seem to shake this feeling of restlessness.
I’ve picked up my phone a half dozen times to text Simon, but stop short each time. Because really, what would I say? He was right. He’d bared himself and his emotions to me, and I selfishly turned him away (more than once). And I had my reasons, sure, but the end result is still the same.
A turkey emoji or lame holiday greeting just won’t cut it.
The polite and appropriate course of action would be to leave things alone and act cordially when I see him at work. And I was reared to be polite and appropriate at all costs.
