“How didyou—?”
“I overheard Bedo. I don’t think he wants you to know.” I glance around to make sure no oneeavesdrops.
“Thank you, Jess. Thank you. I mean that.” The static in the line rushes with his longexhale.
“Sean, what can I do? How can Ihelp?”
“Just stay there, okay? Keep me posted if you hear anything. I’ll catch a flight out as soon as Ican.”
“I can dothat.”
“AndJess?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s really good to hear your voice.” His admission is more than I deserve, but I soak up the warmth of it. “I’ll be home soon. ’Bye.”
“’Bye.” I end the call and shove my phone in my back pocket before going back to the garden. I wish I could do more. I wish I could help find Iz, but I’m totally helpless and useless. Amid all of that, I can’t help but entertain joy at the thought of Sean coming home. I didn’t realize how much I missed him until I heard his voice. Or how much I was afraid he’d hate me after the way we parted, but no, of course he had to say something sweet and kind. Something that makes me wish for what can neverbe.
“Everything okay, Jess?” Deb peels her gloves off at my approach and drops them at the edge of the planter. She wipes her hands on the front of herpants.
“No. Nothing’s all right.” It all hits me. Everything. I shake my head and tears threaten to prick my eyes. I shouldn’t burden her with my problems. I don’t deserve sympathy or understanding. But this is the first place I’ve considered home. Not by the location, but by the people inside it. I don’t know what’ll happen when Sean comes back, but I know it won’t be good. I fear that Coy will hurt him. That my time with Deb, Sean, and even Trent and Austin is dwindling by the second and I don’t know how to stopit.
“Hey, none of that.” Deb wraps me in her arms and I lean into her embrace. “Oh, Jess.” Her hug is safe and that’s enough for the tears tofall.
My body shudders with cries that I try to hold in, but Deb stays, never once pushing me out of her arms. I cry more. I cry until I physicallycan’t.
“Come on. Let’s get youinside.”
I follow her into the kitchen where she points for me to sit, and fills two big glasses with water. “That heat, it’s too much sometimes. And with you just feeling better.” She scoots onto the barstool next to me and pats my back. I appreciate the out she’s given me, but I wonder if it’s only a test to see if I’ll tell thetruth.
I’m scared to confide in anyone. I’ve only ever let my most honest thoughts swirl around inside, because if I don’t let them out, I don’t really have to face them. But there’s something earnest about Deb. Maybe it’s her take-no-shit attitude, but I want to voice what lays so heavy on myheart.
“I’m not sick. I haven’t been.” I trace patterns in the stone countertop and chance a glance ather.
“I know.” She smiles sadly. “You don’t have to tell me, but if you want, I’ll listen. I’m pretty good atit.”
“I think I’ve really screwed up.” I chance another look, but in her gaze I see no judgment as she waits for me to continue. “Sean left because ofme.”
“No, Jess. Sean left because of how he feels aboutyou.”
“Youalready. . . ?”
“He talked to Trent before he left. But I’ve been around that kid since he was sixteen. I already knew. It’s painted all over his face every time you walk in theroom.”
“Oh.” My cheeks heat and I wonder if I’m the only one who didn’t notice. If everyone else knew how he felt this entire time, no wonder Coy lostit.
“I love him like he’s my own son, but we’re not talking about Sean. We’re talking about you. Why aren’t youokay?”
My chin trembles as I try to pinpoint an answer. It’s everything. Though that’s not entirely true. “I don’t want to go on tour with the band.” I shake my head the second the words leave my lips. “But I promisedCoy.”
“Coy.” She stares so long I have to glance away. “You care about him.” She offersfinally.
“I do.” But not the way I did before. Before . . . Sean. “Everything’s changed since we movedhere.”
“You’vechanged.”
I shake my headno, but that isn’t the truth. It isn’t Coy who’s changed at all. This is always the man he’s been. He’s always been jealous. Selfish and cruel when stressed. Loving and enlivening when he’snot.
