“Don’t you lie to me! Don’t fucking lie!” He pulls his hand upagain.
I’d shrink back but there’s nowhere to go. “I’m not. Baby, I’m not.” My eyes plead with him as much as mywords.
A snarl twists his features. “You’re nothing to him. You get that? You’re just some pathetic loser girlfriend with no job, no skills, no money. The only thing you have is this—” He roughly palms the apex of my legs. “And that’s mine. Fucking mine. You understandme?”
A tear, solitary and traitorous, spills from the corner of my right eye for Coy to witness just how much his words wound. That I do enjoy every fucking minute of those conversations with Sean. That I shouldn’t, but I do. “Please, don’t.” Desperation melds with my plea and I fight the desire to shut my eyes, a vain attempt to block out the truth of hisaccusations.
A chuckle erupts from Coy’s mouth, almost manic, and it’s enough to gain my attention. Still pinning me to the bed with his body, his lips press together in a smug smile as he leans over me. “God, you’re stupid. You’d have nothing without me. Nothing. You knowthat?”
More tears follow the trail made for them and I tilt my chin away so I don’t have to see his disgust mirrored along with my ownshame.
“No. Don’t you dare,” he growls, and before I can move, he has my chin between his fingers, yanking my gaze back to him. “You’re mine, Jess.Mine.”
I know what he’s asking for. I know what he needs, but a little piece of me dies to admit defeat, even if I know he’s right. “Yours,” I whisper as more tears leak from the outside corners of myeyes.
His lips are on mine in an instant. Punishing and brutal this time, and I don’t doubt he’ll leave marks. His fingers wrap around my throat, this time for pleasure and within moments he’s removed my clothes and slides inside me. He takes and takes and I just lie there, letting him. Giving him what he’sowed.
Would Sean ever fuck me like this? Is this how he fucks other women? The thought only coils the guilt deep within my belly. Thinking of another man—my only real friend and my boyfriend’s bandmate—while Coy’s cock pulses inside of me is so, so wrong. But I don’t even try tostop.
Closing my eyes, I imagine what it would be like if I were just some girl, beautiful and confident, talented and famous, and free to love whomever I choose. The kind of girl who would be with someone like Sean. That’s all it takes for my orgasm to rush through my body and I come, clenching tightly around Coy. My own release is what helps him reach his ownclimax.
“Oh, God. Jess.” He comes inside me, huffs out two ragged breaths, and then rolls onto the mattress beside me. “God damnit.”
“I’m sorry.” They’re the only words that croak through my parted lips.What am I apologizing for?I’m not entirely sure, but it’s the heavy weight of regret that pushes me to always say them after a fight withCoy.
He props a pillow under his head and pushes up on his elbow to gaze down at my naked body. I watch him while his fingertips trace the curve of my hip, over my belly and between my breasts. They pause at my collarbone and his eyes widen. “Oh, Jess.” His voice is full of anguish. “I’m so sorry.” He lowers his head to press soft kisses at mythroat.
He’s sorry. I know he is. But still, the fear from the strength of his hands around me and the anger in his eyes not minutes ago comes back to push more tears from myeyes.
“Jess, I’m sorry.” He pulls me into his side, wrapping me in his arms. “God, I didn’t mean to hurtyou.”
“I know,” I confess.He doesn’t mean to. I knew better than to get in Sean’s car without asking hispermission.
“You must hate me.” He sniffs back his owntears.
I open my eyes and meet his stare. “I don’t.” I couldnever.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I know you would never cheat on me. I know you wouldn’t.” He cradles me to his chest. But I feel unworthy of his affection, of his apology. Because the truth? Though I’ve never touched another man, I am unfaithful. With my mind. With my thoughts. With my hopes and dreams. When I envision the perfect life, Coy’s nowhere in it. Those are the thoughts that haunt me as I drift to sleep in his arms. That, and the fear he’ll discover exactly who I am. That he’ll know for as much as nothing happened today between Sean and me, I wasn’t completely innocent. Not in the way Sean made me feel. The way he made me hope for more. Shame and guilt are familiar friends, and wrap their fingers around my skin, bruised and sore, when I finally findrest.
We lie together for the rest of the afternoon, exhaustion from not sleeping last night finally taking hold. It isn’t until long after the sun’s light fades from between the slats in the white wooden blinds that Coy stirs and leaves our bed, heading straight to the bathroom and shutting the door. The water from the showerhead hits the marble of the shower, along with music from hisphone.
Unable to fall back asleep, I sit up and flip on the bedside light. I pull on a T-shirt from the floor, one that Coy wore a few days ago. Reaching under the bed, I sneak my journal—the notebook Deb gave me—from it’s safekeeping of a simple shoe box. I let the pages fall open, along with my most private secrets, and pick up the pencil to etch more onto a blankpage.
I knew better. But I wentanyway.
What does that tell you about the kind of person Iam?
My hand lifts to the marks I know are pressed around my throat, and up to where my cheek is tender and swollen. Coy has his demons, but at least he doesn’t hide them from me. Not like I do withhim.
I deserve the pain. It’s nothing compared to what lies inside. He doesn’t always punish like today, but for a second, right before I was about to pass out, I thought he might kill me. He might not stop this time. And the scarier thought? A part of me wanted him to. To make it all go away. To endthis—
“Jess?”
I jolt at Coy’s words and snap the bookshut.
His eyes zero in on what’s in my hands and with the towel wrapped around his hips, he marches toward the bed and rips my notebook from my grip. “What isthis?”
“It’s myjournal.”
