Coy’s hands leave my waist and he takes a step back. “It was seven years ago, Jess. Let it go.” Huffing a frustrated exhale, he stalks out of thebathroom.
Let it go. As if there’s a time frame for such a thing. As if letting it go is so simple. As if guilt and shame and embarrassment simply disappear with the passing of time. I wish it worked that way. God, how I wish I could move past this without having to revisit it ever again. But that’s not possible and Coy’s blasé attitude only frustrates mefurther.
I follow him to our room where he’s already climbing into bed. Standing at the edge, I speak the truth. “I don’t want anyone to findout.”
“Anyone, huh?” His patience is done. Eyes narrowed, his words cut sharp as any knife. “You mean you don’t want Trent and Austin to know what a slut you are? Don’t want Deb to realize her protégé isn’t nearly as innocent as she leads everyone to believe? Or is it Sean you don’t want to disappoint with tales from your humble beginnings. Before you hitched a ride out on myback.”
“Coy.” I blink and take a step back as if somehow that will help soothe the pain from his accusations. “Don’t.”
“That’s what they all think, you know. That you’re riding a free ticket to a life of fame and fortune onmyhard work.” He shakes his head and drops his gaze as if he can’t stand to look at me. I don’t blame him, though. I wouldn’t want toeither.
“Oh.” My heart sinks and I sit at the edge of the bed. I try to calm my racing pulse with a few deepbreaths.
“You didn’t know, did you?” He laughs, but the sound comes out cruel and it only magnifies myhurt.
“I didn’t.” I’m so stupid. So naïve to believe people like Sean and Deb are actually kind and accepting when the entire time they’ve been judging me behind my back. If they knew everything, they’d probably kick me out of thishouse.
“It’s fine. I don’t care what they say about us. You know that, right?” Coy reaches across the mattress and grips my hand in his, weaving our fingers together. “They can think whatever they want because I don’t give a fuck. It’s you and me against the world. Always has been. Always willbe.”
“Us against the world.” I speak aloud the phrase we’ve always shared. But while it used to fill me with pride and strength, now it only picks further at my doubts. Coy used to be enough for me; with him I didn’t need or want for anything. But ever since we moved here and he started playing with Three Ugly Guys, I’m not only lonely, I’m bored. My mind races through the conversations I’ve shared with both Deb and Sean this week, reading between lines in search of distrust or judgment, but I come up empty. Are they really that good at being two-faced or am I a complete fool, so easilyduped?
“I’ll always take care of you,” Coysays.
“So, the people at Off Track, they’ll get my birth certificate? And social security cardtoo?”
“Yeah. I said they would take care of it.” Irritation creeps into Coy’s tone but I feel unusually bold at themoment.
For once I ask for me. “I’d like to go back to school. And get ajob.”
His frown pulls at his brow. “You don’t need a job, Jess. I’ll take care ofyou.”
“I know you will, but I want to do this. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what kind of career I’d like topursue—”
His sharp laughter cuts me off and he doubles over. He breaks our connection and I pull my hand back into my lap while he laughs. “Career?” He meets my stare with tears in his eyes, that’s how funny he finds this. “I’m sorry, butcareer? What kind of career could you possibly have?” he mocks, but I’m an idiot for considering he’d react any otherway.
“You’re right. It was silly of me to think . . .” My voice trails off, along with my confidence. Itissilly of me to dream about things I have no business entertaining. I’m not talented like Coy. I have no skills. The amount of education I’d need to even think about doing what I want is completelyridiculous.
He stops laughing and takes a few long breaths before finally meeting my gaze. This time there’s no humor or trace of a smile. “Look. I don’t want to be the one to crush your little dreams, but you need to be realistic. I need to be able to count on you, Jess. I need you on the road with me. I can’t do this without you by my side, but I won’t bring you along if your head’s in theclouds.”
He’s right. I’m being selfish. He’s done so much for me, and if Coy needs my attention, then that’s what I’ll give him. I can always go back to school later. It’s not practical rightnow.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. Of course, I’ll come on the tour. You sure the passport won’t be anissue?”
“I explained the entire thing to Bedo’s assistant. Claire, or Maggie? I can’t remember who.” He waves his hand, dismissing my concern. But this isn’t some little issue; it’s a big deal. If word got out . . . I can’t even thinkit.
“And they won’t share that withanyone?”
“Jess, what do you take me for? I didn’t tell themeverything. You’re fine. Give me a little credit. I know what I’m doing.” His stare demands that I trusthim.
“I’m sorry. You’reright.”
“Damn straight, I am.” He turns and clicks the bedside lights off, the final dismissal to our conversation. A second later the television screen affixed to the wall clicks to life and blankets the entire room with itsglow.
“Come here.” Coy reaches for me and I scoot over on the bed so he can curl me into his side and we can both see the television. He laughs at the humor on the screen and his breath skims across myneck.
My eyes are open but I don’t follow what’s going on in this episode. I’m still letting his words replay in my mind. That Deb and the band think I’m a total loser, only here to mooch off my boyfriend’s success. And that this very second some assistant at Off Track Records knows enough of my past to piece together all of the horrible details. Enough to give their opinions validproof.
I’m not strong enough to dredge up those years, that period before Coy found and saved me. If I have to come face to face with my past, I might lose the sanity I’ve worked so hard to gain. Those are the fears that loop through my mind while Coy’s breath falls heavy and rhythmic on my neck, his arm pinning me down with its weight as he falls asleep watching mindlessTV.
I try to let that lead me, to find comfort in his strength, because there’s nothing more I’d like than to give myself over to sleep. The reality of my current situation is more frightening than any nightmare. But with each passing minute my anxiety grows. It swells and reproduces until it’s all I feel. I can’t inhale without the weight of my thoughts attempting to suppress the oxygen in this room. I have to move. I have to do something. I can’t just lie here for hours while I go crazyinside.
Slinking from the bed, I turn off the TV and cover up Coy with a blanket. He’s so far gone. The long day of working, drinks from tonight, and our intimate time together hold him under such a deep sleep, he neverstirs.
My feet lead me outside our room, past Sean’s, and down the large staircase. I consider going outside to my favorite little spot, but my body is as restless as my soul. I can’t sit still. Not now. Not when I know what everyone’s been assuming about me. Not when they’re partially right. I’ve tried to make myself helpful, to not take advantage, but isn’t that what I’m doing? I don’t have a job. I don’t even have a role other than following Coy around like the little lost puppy Iam.
Screw that! I might be pathetic, but I won’t give them reason to talk crap about me anymore. I march out into the large laundry room off the garage and collect everything I need. A bucket. Gloves. Rags and Clorox and the jug ofMurphy’s.
Deciding I need to be quiet since it is the middle of the night, I begin in the kitchen. They might pay a crew to come through here once a week to clean, but that’s just surface level. I can do better. I work hard and I’m not a quitter. I won’t give in to their stupid assumptions. I can’t sleep, so I might as well put my energy to good use and prove themwrong.
Free ride?My ass. Nothing in my life has ever comefree.
