“Plenty of people wanted to. But I wasn’t giving somebody false hope that if they kept their pussy locked away for my bid that I was about to be beholden to it when I got out.”
The wig she’d been wearing was on the floor of the bathroom and I was happy feeling her prison braids on my chest with her leave out. Glamorous Porsha was a bad muthafucka, but seeing this version was the definition of perfection. She was still bougie as hell with her silk shorts set on, but she was comfortable in her own skin and with me seeing her like that.
“That’s kind.” Her voice was drifting but I knew this would be one of those conversations that moved us further to who we wanted to be.
“Nah, it’s practical. I wouldn’t expect a woman of mine to do a bid with me. How you gonna be faithful to someone that can’t reciprocate?”
I didn’t want her to think I was some hero, I was just a man who thought logically. It didn’t make sense to keep someone locked up with you. If you loved someone, you should want them to enjoy the freedom that you couldn’t.
“Reciprocate faithfulness?”
“Nah reciprocate what you need when they locked up in cages. Inside we need to know there’s somebody out there that gives a fuck that will keep us sane. That’s the going perception that niggas say they need. But what can a man on the inside do for his lady? He can talk. That’s what he’s giving her. Words. Promises. The idea that shit is gonna get better. But he can’t actually do it. And knowing him, he got five or six other women he saying the same thing to. Cause when you in there you ain’t got nothing but time. And if you allowed your mind to get you in enough trouble while you were on the outside and free to do whatever, it’s only gonna be exacerbated on the inside.”
She lifted her chin in an effort to look at me and I shifted so I could see her eyes. “I hadn’t thought of it like that.”
“How you think so many niggas get in there and get turned out?”
“Boredom?” I had to laugh cause she really thought boredom was an impetus to do some shit out of your nature.
“Desperation. I been bored plenty a day in my life and fucking another nigga ain’t never crossed my mind. I don’t fault anyone their lifestyles cause as long as everybody is willing and legal, go do you. But that wasn’t the case in there. Not knowing how to occupy their minds with anything but sex is how peopleget willingly turned out. It’s a balm to the life they lived on the outside and they don’t have another coping mechanism on the inside. It’s a fix. A drug. A bandaid to cover their gaping emotional wounds when therapy is really the answer. But getting some ass is like getting a fix for a fiend. You gone do something strange for some change to chase that high. And whatever pride you thought you had doesn’t matter when it comes to silencing those demons. Sex to niggas was normalcy outside. A way to feel good about themselves because they’d gotten their dick wet. Nothing behind those walls changes that.”
“That was probably the deepest shit I’ve ever heard cause I’d never looked at it like that.”
“Cause you ain’t ever have to and be grateful for that. Niggas don’t want to do the work, they fall into old habits and then fuck whatever is available. Whether it be a CO or somebody whose gay for the stay or someone handing out favors cause they happy to be the nigga other niggas choosing. Or the niggas who only know how to violate while they’re free, prey on the weak when they not. You see a lot of crazy shit inside.”
I had plenty of respect but it only took me beating one nigga damn near to death for people to understand that just because I was skinny didn’t mean I wasn’t deadly. Nothing ever came of that case and I knew that was the Miller’s doing.
“I’m sure you had plenty of COs lined up.”
My baby was jealous and couldn’t hide it even when it was something that happened before I knew she existed.
“Hell no. That’s the difference. I got caught up on bullshit. Trumped-up charges. The state of Georgia paid me real nice for those years of my life they stole. But the people I work for, you had to train your mind. So I was solid before I went in. Kept my focus on the right thing and didn’t have to worry about shit else. Think about it. The times in your life you’ve been celibate. Why did it happen?”
She gave a half shrug before she spouted out the first thoughts that came to mind. “Besides not just having dick around? Stress. Worried about shit.”
“Your mind was occupied. You had goals you wanted to reach. Getting dicked down was the last thing you wanted or needed. The urge comes and then it will pass. It’s when you fixate that you get in the pen and start wildin’. Don’t ever let a man say he can’t control himself. That’s an excuse formed by patriarchy to have women feeling complicit in their own assault. A way to lessen a man’s guilt. They do it every day. We not ravening beasts. Every action is a choice. And that’s exactly what it is when they choose to stick they dick in another man’s ass and lie about it later. A choice.”
She was giggling at how blunt I was but I was too fucking sleepy to sugar coat shit even for her. And her thug ass ain’t need it anyway.
“That’s crazy.”
“It’s just facts. You worried about me, P?” I hoped that the shit we’d just finished doing didn’t have her looking at me funny. I mean I didn’t give it a second thought when she was tasting me out of her pussy so she better be returning that same consideration.
“Nah, just thinking out loud I guess. Wondering if you’re good after what you went through.”
“You good for that.”
“For what? Worrying?”
“Nah, thinking out loud and shit. Be drawing me in conversations that ain’t none of my damn business.”
Her laughter echoed in the darkness of the bedroom bringing a smile to my face. “Shut up, City.”
“Then keep your damn stream of consciousness silent and I won’t interrupt.”
“I swear I didn’t know you were like this.”
“Wouldn’t have changed a damn thing. Besides, you were talking all that shit at dinner but you happily took them long strokes when you got your ass here.”
