“Elaborate on that because it feels like you’re saying more than just words. I could be lying and saying that he’s a good dude to save face.”
I wasn’t prepared for how her voice softened when she spoke. “You could be. But you not. When you talk about him, your voice lights up. Your spirit shines, baby. A nigga that puts you through hell? Your body wouldn’t react in a positive way. You would feel and sound heavy Porsha. But whenever we talk and he comes up, I can hear the smile in your voice. The joy that he’s brought back to you. Don’t lose that behind doubt. Behind fear. And if you genuinely are concerned with Lyric being upset, girl fuck her she got a whole husband. You need to get yours.”
I bust out laughing cause in short she’d just said fuck Lyric. “Not you talking about my friend.”
“That’s my homegirl. I was listening toLullabieslast night.”
“Do I even wanna know why?”
She was giggling as she always did because Toots was transparent about all aspects of her life. “Nope. Not unless you wanna hear about your mama fucking.”
I gagged and got up from the bed angry that my mama had gotten dick more recently than me. I was happy that she had someone even though I was sure she’d never be serious about them. She might get dicked down, but nobody would ever replace my dad in her heart.
“See. Ma!”
“Anyway, Lyric ain’t a selfish friend. She doesn’t want you to miss out on living life just because of her. She definitely wouldn’t want him to miss out on his joy. Y’all doing it together and the shit working? It would make her happy as hell.”
“You’re assuming it would work.”
“No baby, I’m watching it work. Right now, as we speak. But then again, what does mama know? I’ve only known you since before you were born.”
“I need to have some kids so I can use that line on them instead of having it used on me.”
“You need to get on that before your eggs turn to dust. Yo’ old ass. Course the way that man be looking at you sometimes I’m sure he done scrambled the vast majority of them cause I know he be hurting you.”
“MA!”
“Girl, be so damn for real. Anyway, speaking of the past.”
My hand went to my forehead because she was giving me a headache. “Oh God, do we have to?” She seemed to throw stuff at me left and right and now she was bringing up old shit.
“I saw your homegirl the other day.”
“Really?” It was crazy that she was bringing up the one person who had me shy about the whole city situation in the first place.
“Uh huh. Talking ‘bout she want me to tell you she said what’s up.”
“She doing good?” That’s about all I could muster, because I didn’t have any issues with her. She was fighting for her family and in a way I had done her wrong.
“She got a new sponsor so I guess she wants you to feel some kinda way.”
I looked down at my fingers because none of this was news to me. “What number kid she on now?”
“Five, I think. I could be wrong. But she got a new car and shit. I understand why you made the decision that you did. Knowing that she was pregnant at the same time would’ve been enough for me, too.”
It no longer stung to talk about the abortion I had. It was damn near twenty years ago and there was always the quick sting of what could have been, but then I would think of all the bullshit I would’ve had to deal with. Link’s ass was still messing around with Trinity’s mom and she was further along than Iwas. She thought that a second baby was going to lock him in and I wanted no parts of what they had going on. I wasn’t about to fight over a man because I absolutely refused to. So I bowed out and let her win. Some prize though. The second baby didn’t keep him especially after his money fell off from not being able to use me or work with my brother. Link had been in and out of jail according to my brother and mother. I guess they felt like it would give me some morbid sense of satisfaction but really I just pitied them all.
“I was not about to be the mother of one half of some project twins. Especially not by a man like that. I might not like her, but I hope her kids are okay.”
“They seem to be good, but that oldest one is taking after her mama too much, though.”
Her words made my heart sink to hear. “What you mean?”
“Be out on the block. Switching and doing shit she sees the older girls do. I done warned away plenty of them boys around here and so has your brother. I might not be her grandmother, but I had that lil girl up in my house when you called yourself playing stepmama. I’ll try my best to protect her from afar if I can. It ain’t like her mama telling her how to act and her daddy ain’t around so she gone do what she want to.”
“And get attention from the wrong fucking people.” Which is exactly how her mama got pregnant with her all those years ago.
“I can’t save everybody, but I won’t sit by silently. The rest is on them. Hopefully, her mama doesn’t get herself killed fucking around with the wrong nigga. Then them kids ain’t gone have nobody. Or that girl gone be stuck being the parent even more than she is now. I’m sure that’s why she’s out there looking for someone to save her. She just looking in the wrong place.” My mama was tough as shit but she had a big heart. That’s why everybody loved her.
