Memories I wasn’t prepared for hit me hard enough to knock the wind out of me and leave me struggling to catch my breath. Reading through Koa’s footnotes I’m brought back to days I spent pretending to be a princess.
Not just any princess.His princess.In my mind and heart, I was always his even if he didn’t feel the same way.
As if moving in slow motion, the tree line surrounding us lights up one at a time. The forest comes alive with millions of twinkling lights. Our willow tree begins to glow from the inside as well.
It feels magical and surreal. Sitting here in the dark, under an enchanted tree lit by what feels like millions of little sprites, with the prince I lost years ago.
“Will you read to me?” he asks, pulling me tighter against him. I inhale a deep breath, taking in his ocean scent. I’m on the edge of the cliff and I have to make a choice. Do I dive back in or do I take a step back?
His question is simple and should come with an easy yes or no. But, nothing about us is simple or easy anymore. Reading to Koa was never about the words on the page. It was having his full attention.
It was being the center of his world for a moment in time. It was having him look at me like I was the most incredible thing he’s set his eyes on. He shifts behind me and places his hand on my thigh.
The same electrifying sensation I felt earlier in the car runs up and down the length of my leg. The fear of him walking away a second time weighs heavily on my heart. It’s crushingand too influential. It has me saying no when I want to look in his eyes and say yes.
“Maybe we should walk around.” I sit upright and hand him the book back. He doesn’t reach for it. His brow furrows as he looks at my face and back down at the book.
Sighing, he says, “Take it. I want you to have it.” He stands and starts busying himself with cleaning our small mess.
I put the book in my bag for safe keeping and exit the safe cocoon of the willow tree. “I’m sorry.”
His eyes meet mine through the branches. The warm lighting from the trees illuminates his large silhouette and makes his face glow. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m pushing you too hard.” He releases an irritated groan then steps through the branches and stands in front of me. “Don’t let me push you away.”
I bite down on my lip to keep myself from telling him that could never happen. As much as I say I’m moving and walking away for good, it’s an empty threat. It’s like me saying I’ll only stay up and read one more chapter, but then the enemies turn to lovers. Next thing I know it’s three in the morning and I have class in five hours.
“We can’t recreate the past. We need to move forward.Ihave to move forward.” I grab one side of the blanket as he grabs the other end.
We each hold an end and walk toward each other. “Then we move forward together.” He bends and grabs the other side of the blanket and backs up.
We walk toward each other again. “What if I’m not ready?” I ask, unsure if I want to know his answer.
He takes the blanket and tucks it under his arm. With his other hand he cups my neck and grazes my cheek with his thumb. “Then we stand still and wait until you are. I’m not going anywhere.”
My hand wraps around his wrist. His pulse beats steady beneath my fingertips. My heart is rioting but I’m not sure where I stand in this fight. Are we conceding? Or are we going to stand our ground? My gut is telling me to give him this.
“Okay,” I agree, putting some distance between us. He nods, slings his backpack over his shoulder, and readjusts the blanket under his arm.
I’m not sure what I’m agreeing to. Is this our fresh start at a romantic relationship? Are we picking up where we left off? Or did I agree to see if we can have a friendship that someday leads to more?
Friends with Koa? We may have labeled our relationship that way, but we’ve always been more.
His hand slipping into mine is like putting on a favorite sweater. There’s this unexplainable comfort from knowing he has a hold of me. That he’s right there if I need him.
We stroll back the way we came. This time there is a lot more to see. Hidden beyond the pathways there are little creatures made of lights that scamper across the ground and up trees. It feels like we’re walking through a Grimm’s Brothers Fairy Tale.
“I wasn’t trying to recreate the past,” he says, stopping outside the row of makeshift cottages we passed earlier. He turns his head in every direction observing our surroundings. “I wanted one more adventure with you. With the girl who taught me about fairies and other realms when all I knew about was catching baseballs.”
Affection shines in his eyes and it warms me to my core. This isn’t the same man who has been growling and grunting at me for the last four years. This man is sweet and soft, but also strong.
I could tell him that I’m done for good or that I needed a year to see if I can make it on my own. He would still be standing steady waiting for me. How can he be sure about me now? He said we were a mistake. I heard it with my own two ears but what if that’s not what he meant.
Shaking the thought out of my head. If he wanted me then, he would have said something. Right?
“Should we go in? Our adventure awaits,” I say, ignoring my protruding thoughts. Because if what I’m thinking is correct, then the fallout of everything that happened is my fault, not his. And he’s taken the blame without complaint this whole time.
“As you wish,” he says, gesturing toward the door of the first cottage. I suck in a harsh breath and rein in the tears that want to form.We are not doing that now.
I’ve forgotten how much that little phrase made me smile. I went to bed at night pretending that those wordsheld the same meaning as it did in the book but I knew better than to believe in that fairy tale.
