“We can continue the conversation if you want. I have a lot of thoughts about you and Koa I would love to get off my chest. Things I have been holding back for years.”
“This has been you holding back? You have never held your tongue about your friends being interested in me. I can’t imagine what else you could possibly have to say.”
I do my best to keep my face neutral but inside I’m sweating. Does Nash know Koa and I had sex graduation night? It was the beginning and the end of us. I don’t like thinking about that night too long.
It’s one of my good memories that makes me miss what we could have been but it’s also tainted with the reminderthat the next morning Koa woke thinking being with me was a mistake.
“I see and know more than you think I do,” he states.
“Whatever, oh wise one. I don’t want to talk about this with you anymore,” I grumble.
“He comes home later today. Maybe you should come over and have a conversation with him.” He walks around to my side of the table. “It’s okay if you like him. I’m not going to be mad if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“I’m not going to be mad,” I mumble his words back to myself because surely I heard him wrong. “For years you have warned him off of me. And now, you’re okay with it? I have never needed your permission or approval to be with Koa.”
“No you don’t.”
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I whisper-shout. How can he agree with me after years of keeping us apart?
“No, I’m not. You don’t need my permission but he still doesn’t deserve you. Not yet at least.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I say, dismissing him. I meant what I said when I told Koa it was too late for us. “I’m not interested in starting up anything with him. Your BFF status can stay intact. You can continue to keep him to yourself.”
He leans closer to me. “It was never about that. Maybe in the beginning, but things changed. Your relationship with Koa changed. Just talk to him.” He kisses my forehead before saying goodbye.
I’m left even more confused. Maybe my brother isn’t as selfish as I thought he was all this time. It doesn’t make sense that he would spend so much energy warning all of his friends away just to tell me he would be okay with Koa and I being together.
The last time I was in Koa’s room I didn’t get a good look around. It was hard for me to focus on anything but him and my brewing frustration.
I’ve avoided going upstairs when I visit Nash. There’s no reason to come up into Koa’s personal space. It's too dangerous like standing too close to the fire. I need to distance myself from him. Otherwise, I’m constantly reminded of what will never be mine.
Koa’s room is relatively clean and organized. This doesn’t surprise me. His dad was in the military and taught all of his kids the importance of daily disciplines.
Walking around his room, memories begin to float to the surface. There is something about the familiar scent lingering in the air that brings me back to the beginning of high school.
His cologne sits on the top of his dresser along with a picture of our neighborhood crew at our graduation party. I ignore the photo and pick up his cologne and inhale a deep breath.
Smells like my first kiss and the only man I’ve ever loved.
Koa appears in the open doorway, making me jump. I fumble the cologne bottle as I hastily try to get it back where it belongs. “I can’t believe you still wear the same stuff from high school,” I snark, hoping to throw him off the fact I love the way he always smells like a giant ocean I want to dive into.
“You don’t like it?” he asks, genuinely concerned.
“It’s alright.” I shrug.
“Hale gave me a bottle for my birthday,” he says, closing the door and walking deeper into his room. Hale is his older brother. “He said it would make me irresistible.” The side of his mouth tips up in a smile. “It didn’t work. Did it?” he asks, sitting on the edge of his bed.
“I don’t think I’m the right person to answer that question.”
“You’re the only person I want answering that question,” he says, making my breath hitch. I’m not used to his bluntness. His honesty. “Why are you here?”
Admitting I’m here to talk about us doesn’t seem like a good idea anymore. I need more time to think about everything. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my bag. The one I left here from the night of Nash’s party.Perfect.
“I’m here to get my bag.” I walk over to my made up excuse. “How did it end up in your room?”
He shrugs. “Hart must have thrown it in here whenever Lauren and him went to bed. I was going to bring it to you tomorrow.”
“I saved you the trouble. I’ll get out of your hair. I’m sure you want to relax after your games. Congratulations, by theway.” They were able to win all three games and still have a chance to make the playoffs.
