We said a lot of things last night, and I don't necessarily want to take any of them back, but I also don't know how to deal with the reality that I've created around me.
Hazel sips her coffee, and I mimic the action. We set our cups down on the island at the same time, the porcelain clinking against the marble.
When I look up and meet her eyes, I expect her to look away, to shy away from this conversation that we probablyshouldhave.
She doesn't.
“Look, we need to talk. A lot has been going on, and about what happened last night, I…”
There's a brief pause, and I can't help but jump in to fill it.
“I understand that you're under a lot of stress, Hazel.” I look her in the eye, trying to show her that I am open and flexible and that we can make this work. We don't need to put labels on it because if we do, I know I'll be just as upset as she is.
“I'm not asking you for anything serious, you know. We can just…play it by ear or whatever.”
There's another brief pause, and I see Hazel's shoulders sag. I'm not sure if that's from relief or disappointment.
“Yeah.” Hazel slowly nods back at me, her eyes traveling from her coffee cup up to mine in a journey that takes longer than it should. “Yeah, you're right. We'll just…we'll see how this all goes, you know. With everything going on…”
I can see the worry fill her face.
“I'm just…well, we need to be able to think about everything and weigh all of our responsibilities against what we might want, you know. So yeah, let's play it by ear. Thanks.”
By the end of that, Hazel’s rambling, but I don't blame her. In fact, I know that I would do the same thing if she hadn't beaten me to it.
My heart is thundering in my chest, but I lock eyes with her, refusing to be that big of a coward. Inside my head, I just repeat the same mantra over and over again.
This can be casual. This can be casual. This can be casual. This. Can. Be. Casual.
Still, my chest pinches at the thought of that. I don't really want to consider what that means. Because if I have any amountof self-reflection in me, I know I feel disappointed at the word casual. I want something more from this.
I want something serious.
But if this is what Hazel needs right now, I will do whatever I need to do to make her happy.
BecauseI'd rather take this one step at a time than jump in too fast and ruin things again. Lord knows I'm really good at fucking things up.
“Absolutely,” I say, giving her an easygoing grin. “Casual it is.”
Just as I finish talking, more footsteps rumble down the stairs, and I know that my niece is coming around the corner.
In a flash, Jade appears, and she rushes right up to the island, hopping into a chair.
“Hey, so what are we doing today?”
Hazel looks at me, and I just offer her a head shake with a grin. My niece is always interested in what we have planned, and she needs to know assoonas she sees us.
I've gotten used to it, but I have to admit that if it were anyone else here, they might think that Jade was a little demanding.
Quickly, I flip the switch that controls how I behave, going into parent mode, and I give Jade a grin.
“Why don't we go to the park? We can have a picnic.”
“Oh yes, please! A picnic sounds amazing. It's going to be really hot, though. You should bring ice packs. I don't want to get overheated like last time.”
All I can do is chuckle, and Hazel joins me because it's true. Jade got very overheated last time and almost passed out.
“Yes, we can bring ice packs, honey. I'm sure that'll be fine.”
