“But you don’t,” she said. “Or you wouldn’t have done that. No one knows, do they?”
“No,” he said. “I know how it works. The team doctors are going to give me the risks and leave the decision to me.”
“What decision?” she asked.
“To go back on the field. I can take more precautions, more padding. But is it worth it? My father tried to blame his father for the shitty person he turned out to be. That he promised himself he wouldn’t be that way and he was. I made the same promise to myself.”
“You’ll never be that person, Warren,” she said.
“No. Not in terms of being a drunk. But I’ve already had three head injuries. I don’t know what kind of damage that could have caused already or in the future. Is it worth it? I want to be there for a wife and kids someday. My father was selfish. When that hit me, I realized I was being too.”
Her jaw opened and then closed again. “I didn’t think about it that way.”
“But you feel the same way,” he said. “Because you’re not arguing. Your reaction just gave me another reason I think I have to be done. I didn’t know you felt this way.”
“Do you think I’d tell you?” she said. “That’s being selfish. My feelings about your career are my problem, not yours. I’ve been selfish a lot in my life too and I’m not going to be this time.”
“No,” he said. “They are both of our problems. People in love talk about those things. They don’t let it build until they fight.”
“Well, I wish someone had told me that,” she said. “I’ve never been in love before. Nor have I fought with anyone in a relationship.”
“Never?” he asked.
“I don’t know that I’ve ever cared enough,” she said.
He pulled her closer to him. “What about shoving someone?”
She snorted and then wiped her arm under her nose. She was pretty sure she shot snot out. “Never. You didn’t even budge.”
“I’m not budging from your life either, Emma. Unless you want me to leave. If you tell me right now that you don’t want me here, I’m going to argue with you that you’re lying.”
She laughed. “I thought you were going to say that you’d leave.”
“No,” he said. “I’m not leaving. I need you. I’ve never told that to another person. But I’m telling you now. I need your support and your help. I don’t know if I’m going to play again. I’m not sure I want to. Every time I get on the field I shake now. Do you know how hard it is for me to not let people see that?”
“Why do you have to hide it?” she asked. “Take a page from my mother’s book. She had a lot of people who supported her for what she did and why, but just as many said she could have been a huge role model for many women years ago. Be that person, Warren. The one that says he’s afraid and that he is going to puthimself first. If that is what you want. If it’s not and it’s a passing thing, then I’ll support that.”
“And just hit me every time I leave for a game or come home?” he asked, laughing.
“I’m sorry. Now I feel bad I said that. I’m going to feel as if you’re deciding because of me. The public is going to feel that way too.”
“Weren’t you the one that said fuck them all?” he asked.
She smirked. “Yes.”
“That’s my answer. I only care about you and my family. My mother and sister will be thrilled to hear that I’m finished.”
“Can you just walk away?” she asked.
“I’ll deal with those things,” he said. “That is what lawyers are for, but the truth is, I’m not cleared yet and it might not happen for a few more weeks. By then, if we miss the playoffs, I think they will opt to not play me to not risk injury for next year.”
She smiled. “You put a lot of thought into this, didn’t you?”
“Possibilities,” he said. “You’ve opened my eyes to them and a world I didn’t know existed.”
“No shit,” she said. “You made me realize I could be just as happy in this world as I can in the worlds I create in my head.”
He leaned down to kiss her. “God, I’ve missed you. I don’t mean your presence, just you. Our talks, our video dates, even our texts.”
