“That’s not fair.”
“It’s not? I’m just trying to understand. You’ve run so damn hot and cold since I met you. There’s something about you that pulls me in. I’ve never once considered a serious relationship, and yes, I know how that sounds coming from someone who’s thirty-five, but something about you changed that. You intrigued me. I wanted to know about the guy who had secrets, like, where that scar came from.”
Malcolm wiped at his face as tears streamed more freely down his cheeks. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms, but there were things I still needed to say.
“And when you did tell me, it didn’t detract from who you are. Most people wouldn’t give something like that up. Malcolm, you are an amazing human who sacrificed something huge to save someone you loved. I said it then, and I’ll say it again now: anyone who ran because of that was stupid and a waste of your time.”
We stood in silence some more, while everything in me screamed to pull him close. To not let him run. Make him confront what was happening, because while it had been fast, this man meant more to me than anyone ever had. Yes, it sucked that we had the issue of being in a professional relationship as well, but my hope was that it would make everything better. Make everything stronger. He just needed to stop being so damn stubborn.
“David…”
God, he sounded so small. So shaky. My hands twitched at my sides, almost giving in to the urge to reach for him, but I waited him out. He had to make the move here. My cards were on the table, and it was his turn. I motioned for him to continue, not giving in to my need to hold and coddle him.
“Maybe that’s it. My brother was my whole world. Losing something like that? Yeah, that fucked me up pretty bad. Maybe itwasan excuse. I don’t really know. It doesn’t change the fact that you’re basically my boss.”
“So forget that I hired you for a job. Would that change things?”
Malcolm sniffled, wiped at his nose, and shook his head. “I—I don’t know. You make me feel things and…” He sighed. “I don’t know. David, I already said this was scary. I can’t lose someone else the same way I lost him.”
Not that it was funny, but I couldn’t help the small snort. “Well, the good news is that I’m healthy as an ox.”
And that seemed to break all the tension because in the next moment, Malcolm was in my arms, face pressed into my neck as tears soaked the collar of my sweater. My hands roamed his back as his body shook with sobs.
“It’s not funny, David. But I appreciate you trying to make me feel better about all of it. It doesn’t change the fact that the fear is still there.”
My arms tightened around him. “I’m not saying it’s funny. Any time you’re afraid, that fear is legitimate. You feel that way for a reason.”
Malcolm didn’t pull away, only buried himself deeper against me. Nothing could come between us. The wind could try, but there was no way.
Chapter 23
Malcolm
By the time we got back to the house, I’d finally gotten my shit together. I wasn’t a crying, blubbering mess anymore, which was a good thing, because there were two more cars in the driveway, meaning the circus was about to start.
I was still nervous about David. He deserved so much better than how I was treating him, but if he was willing to be patient, I could try a relationship. But I’d been serious about the fear of losing someone so close to me again.
Aunt Pam and Uncle Gabe were in the formal dining room, setting out dishes. That meant that my cousins and their spouses were probably wandering around somewhere. Chris and Marisa weren’t so bad, but Stewart was loud and lacked boundaries. He asked all kinds of inappropriate questions, and the worst had been after I’d come out as bi. Everyone else had made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, but he’d drilled me with questions about how I’d made that realization and if I liked dick more than pussy. A question that earned him a slap over the head from his mother. God bless Aunt Pam.
“I think—I think I’m going to go offer to help my mom…”
David looked at me, a wide smile breaking across his face. Admitting it had bothered me when she shooed me away this morning had made me feel a little better. Maybe it was what we needed so that we all could properly heal. We couldn’t move past things if we kept avoiding them.
David sat on the couch with my dad and introduced himself to my cousin Chris and his wife Dani. I went into the bathroom to wash my hands before making my way into the kitchen. Mom was fussing over a stack of vegetables as I slid next to her.
“Are you sure I can’t help you? You used to love it when I would cook with you.”
Mom looked up and gave me a tight smile. “I’m not sure…”
My hands shook as I placed them on the counter because I didn’t know how to keep pushing, but I needed this.Sheneeded this. There had to be a way to make it so Mom could see it without making her upset on a holiday.
“Please. I know it’s hard, but…” I braced myself for an argument, but she spoke before I could.
“I know, Malcolm. I can’t keep denying you just because it’s hard for me. Maybe it will help, and maybe it won’t. There’s only one way we can tell, right?”
Those nerves instantly vanished as a smile spread across my face. “Right. We can only try. I’d love to do this with you. If it gets to be too much, I can step out again.”
Mom’s smile was tight, but she nodded, handing over a bunch of carrots. “In that case, why don’t you grab a knife from the butcher block and cut these up for me? I trust you remember how to do it?”
