“The baby?” he questions, and Pitbull bends forward, putting his palms on his knees, breathing heavy, and I can’t help my reaction as so many emotions flitter through me, especially knowing Jessica was right, all he needed was me.
I rush forward and throw myself at him, throwing my arms around his neck, placing my face into the crook of it and Jax moves his hands to my waist and lifts me, and as if on instinct, I wrap my legs around his hips as my tears fall and my body shakes against his.
He remembers…
“Where’s our baby Ives?” he chokes, and I sob, “In neonatal care…” And he tenses.
Chapter 27
Psycho
I slowly rub my hand over my mouth as I watch Hudson’s little chest move up and down, his arms slowly moving and I feel useless, so fucking useless.
The doctor explained last night, when I stormed in demanding answers, that they got him on certain medications to keep him in a sleep state so he doesn’t pull his tube out.
A fucking breathing tube.
He’s four and a half months old, a size of a thirty two week old premature baby and still isn’t clear medically and for four and a half fucking months Ivy has sat here day in day out, not knowing if not only I would wake up but if she’d lose our son as well.
She’s fucking sat here blaming herself, not knowing how to face me, face our past.
I sigh and sit forward, rubbing my hand through my hair, my head still hurting a little after last night hitting me like a ton of fucking bricks.
I haven’t got all my memories. Some things are a little hazy from when I was twenty, but before Ivy even kissed me and we locked eyes, I got a few flashes of us, her body writhing underneath mine, all our friends dates slowly flickering in my mind and as soon as Ivy kissed me, everything between us hit me fucking hard in the chest it nearly knocked me for six. I thought my head was going to fucking explode and when I saw her stomach flat, our son coming to mind instantly, panic like no other filled me.
I thought she lost him, I thought when I shoved her out of the way of the bullet, I knocked her too hard that her fall killed our son, but instead, I ended up causing her to go into labor twenty fucking weeks early.
I look up, my eyes locking on my son, who is beating the odds so far.
I forced Ivy to go leave for a few hours, knowing yesterday was most likely the first time she’d left our son. I encouraged her to get some air or have a hot shower. I told her I’d stay here with him. According to Nurse Canter, Hudson’s main nurse, that was the first time she hadn’t argued with anyone about leaving him.
She needed me, but was putting my mental health first.
I swallow hard, eyeing his chest again.
He’s so fucking small.
How in the fuck has my girl managed to sit here day in and day fucking out without falling apart? I’ve sat here all morning, and I’m ready to break.
“Hey, sweet boy,” I hear from my right, and I mumble, “Hey, Mama,” without taking my eyes off Hudson.
Hudson Grayson.
She gave him my middle name and Macky’s middle name, naming him after her two favorite men, or so she said last night while she was curled up on my lap watching him sleep.
“How are you feeling?” Mama asks, and without looking away from my son, I reply, “My head still hurts a little, but otherwise, I’m fine.”
“Maybe you should go get checked out?” she asks, but I slowly shake my head and deny, “I’m not leaving my son, especially while Ivy isn’t here, after I encouraged her to get some time to herself.”
“I can stay with him,” she tries and I look at her, feeling very fucking tired.
“I’m not leaving him, Mama. Ivy has done this alone for over four months, even handing in her notice at Garys Motors. She sat here with no other distraction, worrying, not knowing how to control her emotions. I can’t leave, Mama,” I admit and her eyes tear up as she nods, and I look back at my son, my mind going round in circles, questions that still need to be answered, swirling.
“She wouldn’t leave him, would she? That’s why I haven’t seen her the past few weeks?” I confirm.
“When you were admitted, she spent every single night with you while her days were in this room, and now, well, all her time is here,” Mama looks at Hudson, “I think the only reason she managed to leave yesterday was because she got to hold him for the first time.”
I swallow hard and ask, “She never held him?”
