“Shit.” The word came out tight, a harsh whisper, and just like that, Samuel knew what was wrong. He looked down at Eli’s tray where the last bits of food stared back at him with seeming innocence. He shoved the tray out of the way—as if that would do anything. The damage was done.
“Eli.” Already his voice sounded hoarse as panic squeezed at his vocal cords, strangling them. “What should I—”
Eli rose to his feet, a hard look in his eyes. “Don’t follow me.”
He was already reaching for him. “Eli—”
But Eli avoided the touch. “Call Nathaniel. Tell him I won’t be able to see him for the next visit.” The man was already turning, and he found Arty, already on his feet. “I’ll be out of commission for the next few days and need you to guard Samuel. I don’t want him alone. Not even to go to the bathroom.”
Arty’s eyes were wide. “The food, was it—”
“Yes,” Eli said, voice clipped but level. “I don’t have time. Where’s Finn?”
“I’ll get him.” It was Jabbers. The man had a talent for appearing suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere.
Already Eli was looking worse, though only a few seconds had passed. His breathing was faster, harsher, and there was a tremor in his hands. Inside Samuel’s head, chaos was reining. Or maybe that was the outside world. The floor appeared to be tilting. His hand shot out to grab the edge of the table. “Medical,” he forced his mouth to say. “We need to get you to medical.”
“Nothing they can do for me,” Eli said, his voice utterly flat, and he realized the man was fighting hard to keep himselfthat way. Panic, worse than his own, threatened, but Eli was too experienced to let it destabilize him.
There was the pounding of footsteps. He looked up and found Bee’s enormous form bearing down on them. Instinct had him flinching, but the man drew up well short of him. He was looking at Eli, awaiting instructions.
But Eli was already moving, heading for the cafeteria exit. “You’ll protect Samuel?”
Bee nodded. Samuel ignored that. He pushed off the table and made a grab for Eli’s arm again. “We need to—”
Eli shook himself loose. “No.”
“But—”
“No.” And there was force in his voice—anger. He stared at Eli, but he didn’t freeze. His body knew what it needed to do, even if his mind was clouded with panic. He still reached, and this time Eli actually smacked the hand away. “Not you.”
The rejection was too much. He knew it was no time to be thinking of himself, that Eli was in danger—real danger—and everything else was extraneous, but even as he erected barriers between his thoughts and his feelings, he was aware of the hurt, unmistakable even in the wake of his panic. Eli didn’t want him. Worse, Eli was angry at him. Pushing him away.He hates me. And the thought brought such a shock of pain it tore through the barriers—all he could feel for a moment. His entire world.
It must have shown. It was impossible to hide such a thing. Like sitting down to dinner and having a wrecking ball tear through the dining room wall just as you were tucking your napkin into your shirt. And Eli saw it. Even though his brow had deep furrows of pain and his neck was bathed in sweat he saw, and he paused. He caught the hand he had only just knocked away and gave it a squeeze. “No, puppy. You misunderstand. I didn’t mean—”
“It doesn’t matter.” He slammed the barriers back intoplace, walling off the pain he couldn’t hope to touch. “We need to get you help. In medical—”
The words backed up in his throat as Eli touched his face. “It’s vanity, Samuel. Not anything you did wrong. I don’t want you to...” Eli sighed. His shoulders were rigid, but even so he was beginning to sag. Samuel wanted to pull the man’s arm over his shoulder. To take his weight. But the look in Eli’s face kept him frozen. “I have no control over these attacks once they start. My body betrays me, and I become...I don’t want you to see how I become.”
“I don’t care. It’s nothing. Let me help.”
“It’s not nothing. Not to me. Let me have this, Samuel. Just this. I don’t want you to see.”
It was nothing but stupidity. Next to Eli’s health what was the loss of a little dignity? He didn’t care, and it didn’t matter—itshouldn’thave mattered. The man he loved was in danger and here they were bickering over bullshit! But it wasn’t bullshit. Not to Eli. It was the thing he was holding onto—the thing he needed to keep himself from losing it.
He didn’t know how to let go. He didn’t think it was possible. But he clenched his teeth and forced himself to turn his head away. His gaze fell on Rat, who had just reached them and was trying to get an understanding of the situation. He didn’t give it to him. There was no time. He took the man by the shoulder and pushed him within Eli’s reach. “Help him,” he said. “Don’t leave his side.”
Rat was an inquisitive creature, but to his credit he asked no questions and only nodded. But that wasn’t enough. Rat was the first person who had shown him any loyalty within the prison walls, but this was also the first time Samuel was putting any real responsibility into his friend’s hands, and hehated that. “Promise.”
He knew that was childish stupidity. If Rat meant to disobey him, he could do it as easily with the promise as without it, but it was all he could think of to do, in prison one’s word was all he had.
Rat took hold of Eli’s arm and hooked his own through to secure it. “I’ll take care of him. Come on, doc. Before you shit yourself.”
As he watched them leave, he had to force himself to stay in place.Don’t follow, he told himself, the barrier in his mind still in place.Don’t follow. It was all he wanted to do. Even if The Android had been standing there with a gun in his hand, it wouldn’t have stopped him from going to Eli. But he forced himself to be still. Forced it until Eli was finally out of the cafeteria and gone from sight. Only then did his reason return to him. He remembered Eli’s directions.
“Nat.”
He raced through the other doorway, hardly noticing Bee and Arty trailing at his heels. As he ran his panic returned and spurred him on further. He was going too fast to brake in time and slammed into one of the phone boxes. The force of the impact sent the phone tumbling from its cradle, but he caught the cord and yanked it up with one hand as his fingers sought the familiar numbers with the other. Nathaniel didn’t take long to answer, but by the time Samuel heard the voice his panic was so strong that for a few moments he couldn’t choke out a single sound until, “He’s been glutened. In the cafeteria. He sent me away.” He didn’t know if he was making sense. He didn’t even know if he was even speaking aloud. His heart was pounding so hard that all he could hear was the blood rushing in his head.
