“No.”
He stumbled back and got yanked to a stop by the cord.
“Samuel—”
“You don’t get to say shit like that!”
“Shit like what? Take a breath and talk to me. What’s bothering you?”
What was bothering him?What was BOTHERING him?He kicked the phone stand and slammed the receiver against the top of the box. “You’re so full of shit! You’re so fucking full of shit!”
A hand grabbed his arm before he could slam the receiverdown a second time, and an arm circled his waist. He fought it, thinking it a CO. Probably Jameson. Fucking Jameson. Though it didn’t matter who it was. His chest was bleeding. It had to be bleeding. It hurt so bad, but he couldn’t move. Not Jameson. Jameson wasn’t that strong. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t think. It only served to fuel his rage.
“Samuel, stop!”
The words almost didn’t register. He was too upset. But he recognized Eli’s body, Eli’s scent. Eli.
He fought harder.
“It’s your fault! I wasn’t like this before. I didn’t feel like this before!”
“Hey!” Alvaro. Now it was Alvaro. He recognized that stupid frog voice. “What are you two doing? Break it up!”
“Don't,” Eli said. “We’re fine. He’s fine.” And then lower, “Come on, puppy. I don’t want him to hurt you.”
But he couldn’t stop. It was like his body was acting on its own. And he couldn’t think. He just couldn’t think. And then he heard a tinny shout.
“Eli!”
Eli’s grip slackened for a moment. Just a moment. “Nathaniel?”
It was enough. He elbowed his way out of Eli’s hold, getting him good in the stomach. He only meant to free himself, but Eli’s inhale meant pain. He’d hurt him.
It was unthinkable. He sank to his knees and covered his head with his hands. “Your fault,” he tried to say, but he didn’t believe it. He didn’t know what to believe anymore. His chest hurt. It wouldn’t stop hurting.
Arms appeared around him. Eli’s arms. But they weren’t restraining this time. “Don’t touch him,” Eli said, but he wasn’t talking to him. “I’ve got this, sodon’t touch him.”
“Well shut him up then,” Alvaro said, but he didn’t sound as confident. Maybe it was the gravel in Eli’s voice, or maybe now that he was close, he realized just how big the two of them were and that he didn’t have any backup.
Samuel tightened the cage of his arms. He was afraid to make any more noise when he didn’t know what kind of words would come out. And he’d hurt Eli. He’d already hurt Eli.
“Nathaniel, what happened? What did you say to him?”
Eli was still holding him, but he must have taken hold of the receiver as well, because he could hear the low buzz of Nathaniel answering. It was too muffled to make out, and he didn’t want to hear it anyway.
“I see. No, I don’t think you did anything wrong. It’s just, with his history, he’s gone through a lot and...no, he didn’t hurt himself, I don’t think, but I can ask. Puppy, are you hurt anywhere? Did you bruise your wrist? Nathaniel’s panicking. He wants to speak to you. No, I think he needs a minute. Let’s all take a minute. We can—what? No, it’s not your fault. I’m the one who, because of what I did earlier, I might have triggered him. My poor puppy. He’s not having an easy day, and after everything he did for me. I didn’t get a chance to tell you, but he organized a full changeover of the kitchen. Gluten-free. But I’ll tell you about it later. For now, let’s—”
He shoved at him. It was the gentleness in that voice that forced it. Why did the man always have to choose gentleness? He didn’t want to be forgiven. The both of them—stupid idiot husbands. Didn’t they know forgiveness would only make the guilt worse?
“Samuel. Wait—Wait. I won’t touch you if you don’t want it, but right now—”
“Of course I want it!”
He was on his feet now, but he didn’t feel stable. The earth was splitting under his feet.
“I’ve always wanted it! Even when I was afraid of you, I wanted it! And now?Fuck. My body thinks it’ll die if I don’t have you. So don’t say I don’t want it!”
Eli was still crouching with the phone pressed to his ear. His eyes were wide.
