And then:
Jas: you’re making it into a whole thing when it doesn’t have to be. just chill.
I locked the screen without replying. The pit in my stomach twisted tighter. She was either pretending none of it mattered or trying to convince me it didn’t. As if I’d imagined it all.
I knew what I had to do, what Iwantedto do, but it was a matter of preparation. To rush into it would get me nowhere. Things couldn’t go on like this forever — that much was clear.
Sooner or later, one straw would break the camel’s back.
***
My stomach twisted into knots as I pulled into the parking lot. Restless energy filled my body, as if every cell were vibrating. Thoughts shot through my head at lightning speed, turning and twisting into a maelstrom of chaos.
The world felt too loud, too overwhelming, forcing me to act out of character to cope. Texts sat unread in my inbox, my to-do list grew, and my nerves felt like exposed live wires.
It was a wonder my eye hadn’t started twitching yet. I felt like one of those overbred chihuahuas, literally vibrating on the spot.
I loved my job, and usually, I was so grateful to be able to do what I do. But today … today, my feet moved more slowly, somewhat sluggishly, as I trudged toward the local community gym.
My so-called sisters were stealing money from charity — yet I was supposed to move on with my life, to teach little girls how to high-five after a serve.
The soft light of the setting sun cast an orange glow on the glass door as I pulled it open to step inside. Immediately I was greeted by the sound of whistles echoing through the space and the smell of rubber soles on polished floors.
I blinked rapidly to adjust to the bright lights overhead, which did nothing to help with the slight headache that had been building all day. As I cast a look around, the bleacherswere mostly empty. I set my water bottle down with a soft clink, followed by my bag.
As I straightened up again, a squealed “Sierra!” was the only warning I got before skinny arms wrapped around my middle in a fierce hug, knocking the wind out of me ever so slightly.
The shift inside of me was immediate and palpable.
My worries from just moments before were forgotten. All those grown-up problems and issues shifted to the background, as one of my girls, Lila, peered up at me, grinning happily. The chatter of the rest of the team, following behind her, cut straight through the noise polluting my head.
I’d been coaching a girls’ volleyball team, ages eight to twelve, ever since the end of my freshman year. An opportunity I not only cherished but which also provided me the extra money I needed for anything my scholarships didn’t cover.
Lila had been particularly shy when she started playing, and it took me weeks to draw her out of her shell — but it was so fucking worth it. Seeing the beaming smiles of those little girls and their joy for this sport made warmth spread through my chest.
Their energy was infectious, and their trust was grounding. Betrayal and fake invoices were foreign concepts to them. Their world still made sense.
“Good to see you too, Lila. You ready?” I smiled as she untangled her gangly arms from around me, nodding enthusiastically.
After making them run and stretch to warm up, we started practicing serves, some of which were more graceful than others. I rolled the cart filled with volleyballs to where I had them lined up.
I clapped to get their attention. “Alright, girls. Let’s see … Lila, Mia, aaand the four of you over there,” tossing one of the older girls a ball, I pointed them out, “move to the other side ofthe court. I want you to work on your passing. Keep the ball in the air as long as possible. We’re looking for long rallies, okay?”
Nods and a chorus of “Yes!” and “Got it” rang out before they moved noisily to the opposite side of the court.
I turned toward the remaining girls. Some on the team were still embarrassed about their abilities, so I tried to have them perform either simultaneously or while the others were occupied.
“Alright, let’s give this a try. We’re working on our serves today. I want to see a consistent toss, proper arm swings, and solid contact with the ball. Ready? Go.” I blew my whistle, and the gym was immediately filled with the sound of little hands smacking the synthetic leather, sending the balls bouncing in every direction.
“Can I serve it like they do on TV? With the jump and the spin?”
Kate’s eyes widened with delight as she looked up at me. She was practically vibrating with excitement.
I snorted, shaking my head in amusement, before giving her a wide smile. “You can try, but if you land in a split again, your mama’s going to come for me.”
“That was one time.” She said, rolling her eyes at me.
“Uh-huh. One very memorable time.”
