“Because of me?” Ade asked.
“Not at all. I’m a grown-up. I should be able to sort my scheduleand meet my own deadlines.”
“What’s getting in your way?”
“Me.” Sylvie sighed. “I’m my own worst enemy sometimes. All I can think is that the next book won’t be good enough. That the publishers will drop me. That Paul will fire me.”
“What evidence do you have that the book won’t be good enough? Has your editor said something already?”
“God, no. She’s pretty content with what she’s seen so far.” Sylvie stroked Ade’s palm. “It’s all in my head.”
“This head here?” Ade tapped lightly on her scalp. “This beautiful head is full of thoughts that aren’t true?”
Sylvie nodded.
“How about I fill them with things that are true?”
“Like what?”
“You’re one of the most intelligent, thought-provoking people I’ve ever met. You’re open and honest in a way most people aren’t. You’re kind and see the best in people, even when that’s hard. You see the flaws in society and want to make it better.”
“Stop it.” Sylvie dropped her gaze, unable to meet the glare of Ade’s compliments.
“You can’t take it?” Ade tipped Sylvie’s chin up.
“No one has ever spoken to me like that.”
“Never? No one has ever told you how utterly brilliant you are?” Ade shook her head. “I want to tell you those things every single day. I want to tell you that you light up the room, that your students hang on your every word, and that people in cafés look your way whenever you glide past them. You have an aura that I’ve never known anyone else to have.”
If Sylvie had an aura, she’d found her match. Not brave enough to say the words aloud, she pulled Ade closer and snuggled into her abdomen. “I don’t deserve all of that.”
“Why not?”
“I was pretty horrible to you on Friday.”
“I let you down. We both know that,” Ade said. “But I want to bebetter. I think I know what went wrong with Madison, and it won’t happen again.”
Sylvie pushed up from the chair and pressed her lips to Ade’s, hoping to silence her self-doubt. They kissed, a longing, loving exchange that meant more than she could describe with the language she had.
Sylvie wished she could articulate the enormity of her feelings for Ade, but she grappled with the scale of something so personal yet so universal. How could she pretend to write about the human existence when she couldn’t understand her own basic emotions?
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
She might have said toomuch. But for once, regret didn’t hang around in Ade’s consciousness. She was glad to have created a cocoon of calm in which Sylvie could focus, and after they’d peeled themselves away from each other’s lips, they both got some work done. By Monday, the equilibrium of their fragile in-the-moment relationship was back on track. The successful afternoon at the marine center had been followed by a weekend of easy contentment.
Ade was dreading the latest of her student counseling windows, but she settled in her office, ready for the first of her appointments. Her misgivings about her own abilities clung on, but this was a chance to show up for her students and quiet her self-doubt.
Madison turned up twenty minutes late. Having already begun to worry, Ade’s concern tripled when she saw the state of her. Her limp, greasy hair fell against her shoulders, and her eyes were red, with dark shadows hanging above her gaunt cheeks.
“What’s going on with you?” Ade feared that the reprimands for the faked attestations had been worse than expected. “Are you okay?” Silly question, given the obvious physical evidence.
“Just tired,” Madison said, her voice croaking with a clear lack of rest.
“Please, come and sit down. I’m worried about you.” Ade immediately clocked the red lines on Madison’s arms: a sign that she’d been cutting herself. Helping her with that was way beyond Ade’s expertise and pay grade. But she couldn’t abandon her right now; she was obviously in crisis. “Hey, I’m going to ask you some questions. You don’t need to answer me, but if you want to talk tome, it’s just between us. Though I do need to tell you that if I think you might be at risk of any harm, I’m gonna need to tell someone else about it, okay?”
Madison nodded, as if she’d resigned herself to the conditions of their meeting, and that might just be the reason she showed up.
Ade nodded at the marks on her arm. “Have you hurt yourself, Madison?”
