My mouth waters instantly at the smell of the crispy fried potato bites.
I hesitate for a second, before eventually popping one into my mouth.
Luke doesn’t miss that fact. “You don’t like them anymore? Those used to be your favorite.”
My eyes well up with tears. Luke is so thoughtful, and I don’t deserve his kindness.
“He didn’t allow me to eat them anymore. He put me on a diet. Lean protein only, mostly fish. No processed or fried foods, little to no sugar.”
My brother doesn’t need to ask who is “He.”
“I was hoping his problem was just with me. Because of my “lifestyle” like he insisted on calling it. But it sounds like his controlling behavior wasn’t just toward me.” His tone is in equal parts sad and bitter. “I guess I should have suspected that wasn’t the case when you stopped answering my calls and blocked me from all your social media?”
I bite the inside of my cheek so hard that the metallic taste of blood fills my mouth. “Controlling doesn’t even start covering Dad’s behavior in the past four years. I don’t even know how to start apologizing to you, Luke.”
He covers my hand with his much larger one on the table. “Start by telling me what happened and why you cut off all contact with me. That really hurt.”
I exhale a shuddering breath. “I—I don’t even know, Luke. When it started, I didn’t even realize what his plan was until I was in so deep that there was no way out.”
Luke doesn’t utter a word, keeping his eyes on me. The fact that he isn’t yelling at me doesn’t mean he isn’t angry. I know I would be if the roles were reversed. He’s just waiting for me to explain, but doesn’t ask any questions.
There’s no other way to do this, but to start from the beginning.
“I guess he changed after Mom died and we moved to Bridgeport.” I begin. “I hope you know that you being gay, or bi, or pan, or whatever you identify with, doesn’t change how much I love you, Luke. Not telling you that is the first thing I have to apologize for on a long list. When you came out, I should have supported you.”
“Came out?” Luke snorts. “That’s putting it nicely. I guess the only slack I can cut Dad for how he treated me is that he found out in the worst way possible. Finding me on my knees in front of my high school team captain isn’t the best way to learn that your son likes boys.”
My brother has the biggest heart in the world. “Even if Dad was shocked, he shouldn’t have reacted the way he did.”
This time, Luke’s tone is bitter. “Right. I guess at least he gave me a choice. Conversion therapy, or leave his house and consider myself cut off. Not only financially. If I remember correctly, he said that if I left, I was going to be dead to my family.”
I remember that too. “I should have fought for you. It’s one of my biggest regrets. And there are very few things I don’t regret about the last four years.”
Our hands are still joined on the table, and Luke gives mine a squeeze. “You tried, Bex. You spoke in my defense.”
My voice comes out strangled by the tears that are burning in my throat. “I should have tried harder.”
Luke shakes his head. “And do what? Be homeless together? I was actually relieved that I only had to worry about myself, babe. I was lucky enough to have gotten a full ride to play hockey here in Star Cove. So I only had the few months until graduation, and the summer to worry about. Having you with me would have made everything twice as hard.”
He’s right. I know he is. “Thank goodness your high school coach took you in until graduation. But I was still worried about you, and I missed you.”
“I missed you too. And I was worried sick about you being left alone with him.” Luke whispers.
Our food is going cold, but after the first moment of excitement at the thought of eating hash browns again, my appetite is totally vanished. “Yeah, I was pretty mad at him. For the first few months, though, things were sort of normal. Or as normal as they could be without you. Dad was busy with finals at the college, and I was studying for my own finals. I barely even saw him aside from family dinner.”
Luke tilts his head. And I know there’s a question coming. “So it was just the two of you? Did he spend every dinner praying for me to quit living in sin and turning straight? Or did he pray for my soul as if I was dead?”
“No.” I don’t miss the surprise mixed with hurt in his eyes. “He really acted if you had never existed. And it was just the two of us at first, but that changed pretty quickly. After spring break, the head of Bridgeport’s athletic department retired. Dad was offered the position. That was the beginning of his rise to power.”
My brother looks confused. “I don’t understand how he could be selected as head of the athletic department. He’s a philosophy professor, for crying out loud.”
The next tidbit of information is particularly hard on him. “He took credit for your success. When your high school team won the state championship, he would tell anyone who listened that you were so good at hockey because of him. Then you got selected to play in the under eighteen USA team and that sealed the deal with the Dean.”
Luke runs a hand through his hair, his shock and fury clearly showing on his face. “So I wasn’t good enough to be his son because of my sexuality, but I was perfect to help him further his career?”
I understand how he feels. I didn’t realize how Dad had been using me the same way until very recently. “I’m not defending him, but he didn’t completely lie.”
His scowl deepens. “Yeah. He did nurture my talent and encouraged my passion for hockey from the beginning. I have to give him that. Believe me, that’s something I would love to forget. Knowing that I owe him my career, at least in part, almost taints everything I’ve achieved.”
