Soren’s free hand gestures to Anya, to which she swiftly disappears, and my stomach might as well have fallen clear out of my asshole because I feel as hollow as a vase.
Straighten your shoulders, Jane.
As soon as they rise up, I’m slumping again. In Soren’s shadow, I find that my years of conditioning and survival are so hard to recognize.
He’s making me too vulnerable.
As I wait for the sound of two sets of footprints, I swear all I hear is the lighter ones of Anya until it’s just her in the threshold, concern written across her face. “He’s gone.”
The words penetrate instantly, but my understanding is incapable. I’m on my feet before realizing, moving past Anya to stare at the doorway thathemight have stood in. The empty threshold only brings in natural light, rain pattering on puddles outside. My legs move on their own as I bolt out of the building, my brows furrowed to help keep the wetness out of my eyes, searching for him.
What the fuck?
The initial hesitation flies away like a fragile piece of cloth I clung to, only to realize how light and useless it was against the wind. No, now I’mpissed.
Heowesme.I’mthe one that gets to decide if he leaves or not.
Myconcern instantly reroutes back to Soren, and I track in mud as I hurry inside. He stares right at me, blood still all over him and the floor.
“He’s gone,” I confirm.
“Hewashere.” Soren glances down at his own blood as if it might help him concentrate better. Probably is, but just on the surrounding energies.
“Let’s get you back,” I suggest, motioning to Soren. I’m so tired of these games while someonerealis in front of me. There’s also an immensely heavy conclusion that my father being gone for so long means he wasn’tmissing. What if… what if he could have reached out, but he justdidn’t?
I want to feelanything, but I can’t even cry.
After downing many ladles of water, Soren finally stands, even if slowly, and throws a cloak over his bare shoulders. He tucks part of it behind his sword to clear the hilt that his hand rests on it while giving a nod to the both of us, not even bothering to clean his skin. I cover my own head, just wanting out of here. I can bandage and clean him once at Rosmertta’s.
It’s almost better this way, as all the feelings of dealing with my father’s supposed return can now safely settle as I follow this Zenith out of the bakery without another word.
Soren is what matters now.
Once we’re back in the diluted sunlight, it’s as if whatever happened is nothing but a mere rumor; no men are training, and the area is rather deserted. My heart races when I’m quite aware that everyone has probably entered some sort of agreed-upon formation in response to what happened, which means we’re not safe.
My feet move one after the other, my shoes slightly soaking from the puddles, already eager to get somewhere warm and dry.Numb it. Numb the entire thing.
“Jane,” Soren very quietly adds, slowing so as to close the space between us. “If something goes wrong in these streets, my people will appear,and two will grab you. This is a reminder that youdo notfight them.”
I nod, having been told this before. It still does something to me that he has entire formations in line for my safety, like he’s truly my protector in all of this. Soren faces forward again after raking his gaze over me, and as we walk, I do a double-take when we pass a storefront nestled between larger buildings. A long, wooden sign hangs on chains that readsCaraham Apothecary,which gently moves within the soft breeze.
Nostalgia seeps deep into my bones as I recall the many apothecary goods that mother used, withthatname scribed on them. “We need to visit there,” I quickly say.
Soren glances over his shoulder, rain dripping down his cloaked head before peering at where I gesture. “I don’t want to stop,” he replies, his words carrying an extra length that I’ve heard from someone whose body is on the brink of exhaustion. “Something is changing in the air, and I honestly want to get the fuck out of here.”
“Well, good luck trying to escape without a blood tonic. It won’t take long for me to make one, but I need supplies and ingredients. I highly doubt Rosmertta’s has everything, and we’re right here.”
Iwillget it with or without his approval. I doubt he can carry me far in this state, which means if he chucks me over his shoulder, I can probably wriggle away if necessary.
Heneedsthis. I don’t like how pale he is. And I’m useful for once, when all I’ve felt like is a burden, bounty, or just in everyone’s way.
I miss carrying purpose.
Soren’s gaze is heavy with concern, but his subtle gesture to Anya, followed by her course correction to the apothecary, surges a sense of hope I haven’t felt in a very long time.
It’s been so long since I visited aproperapothecary.
As soon as we commit, I run a mental list of what I need so I can be as quick as possible. We cross the wide street, veeringthrough horse-drawn carriages as street sweepers clean up any shit left behind. It reminds me of stepping back in time, when I once would have followed my mother rather than Anya.
