Given a topic that I could talk about for hours, I launch into all the things that went through my head today, grateful that I can finally share it with someone and not worry that they will use my words against me.
It’s in this moment, where I spill out all of my fears, worries, plans, goals, and excitement, that I realize I have a level of trust in Jax that I have never had with another human.
It’s also in this moment that I realize I need to tell him the truth. As soon as possible.
26
felicity
We arethree hours into a session where Phil and I are stuck on a particularly tricky verse when Juniper shows up. I watch her take in the studio, her eyes big with excitement as her hands tuck into the front pocket of her jacket.
“June!” I exclaim as she comes into the room, grateful for the reprieve as I stand and hug her tightly. “I’m so glad you came.”
My smile turns brighter when her sister steps into the room behind her, Annmarie, I think. “Hi!” I say, hugging her as well, much to her surprise. She stiffens in my arms, and I take a step back, welcoming them into the room.
“Gavin, we’ll take a few minutes break if you want to go check on that other group?” I ask, giving him a polite dismissal. I was actually growing fond of the man, but I wasn’t quite ready to announce my pregnancy to everyone yet.
Gavin gives a salute, leaving without another word, and the girls sit on the couch, looking over everything. Phil shakes their hands and turns to me. “I think I’ll go grab a coffee. You girls want something?”
I bite my lip, wishing I could get one, but since I’ve already had one, I shouldn’t. He gives me a wink and says, “Decaf for you.”
Smiling gratefully, I nod at him, and Juniper and Annmarie give him their orders before turning to me. Phil knows about the pregnancy. I told him out in LA a couple of weeks ago. I needed him to know so that I could have someone not question me when I went to the bathroom a million times—something that was increasing at an alarming rate over the last couple of weeks—or when I had to make Ezra make cravings runs in the middle of a session.
He’s been great about it, not even making comments about the fact that Zack is the father, a guy he’d warned me about two years ago and I’d ignored because I thought it was something it wasn’t.
“So, how are you feeling?” Juniper asks, turning to me, her bright eyes taking me in. “It’s so amazing that you’re doing your next album here.”
“It’s turned out to be a great place.” I grab my water bottle and fold my legs under myself, getting situated on the overstuffed chair that’s become my chair. “I love the proximity to home.”
Annmarie nods. “Yeah, I thought it would be further.”
“Not too bad,” I say, looking down at the lyrics on pages covering the little table I had them bring in. “If this song lets me finish writing it, we’ll be golden.”
Juniper twists her hands, her eyes on the page. “Do you mind?”
My eyes widen. “Not at all.” I gesture for her to go ahead, loving watching that young fire burn in her that used to burn in me. I wasted years chasing the fame that came with being a good musician, a good songwriter. I wish I would have done what she is, taking it slow, one day at a time.
“So…preggo, huh?” Annmarie asks, crossing a leg over another.
“Annie! I said don’t say anything.” Juniper’s face flames in embarrassment, and I smile at her.
“It’s okay. I assume all your sisters know?” If they do, Thea, Juniper’s older sister, will tell Logan, Jax’s brother, and it won’t take more than a phone call before he knows.
My heart rate speeds up at the knowledge, and the urge to run out of this studio to call Jax is strong, but I manage to stay seated.
“No, I swear,” Juniper says, glaring at her sister before turning her pleading eyes on me. “I just told her on the way here because Ididn’twant her to say anything if she saw your…well, the bump.”
Annmarie rolls her eyes at Juniper’s glare and sighs. “Okay, sorry. Just elephant in the room, much?”
I let my shoulders relax and smile at Juniper. “It’s fine, really.” I rest my hand over my bump and give it a look. I’ve been feeling her move in me for a month now, and it is such a strange feeling to know that there is a baby in there.
“I need to start letting everyone know,” I tell her. “I’m proud of this little bump, even if no one knows about her.”
Juniper’s eyes widen. “It’s a girl?”
I laugh, realizing that I need to stop saying that given that I haven’t found out yet. Last week, I went to the doctor, and they offered to tell me, but I’d been alone. I don’t want to do that without someone holding my hand. I want my mom there, at least.
Otherwise, I may just let it be a surprise. “No. Well, I don’t know yet. Just a feeling,” I say, repeating the line I told my parents just two months ago.
