It took its toll on me physically and mentally. Who cares if it hardened my already cold heart? I survived with some of my sanity, and for that, I am thankful most days.
It’s hard to think it was nearly five years ago now, even though the scars marking my body remind me each day of what I lost. Nightmares from the night were and still are fierce. Replaying the same mission, over and over, and each time my friends still end up dead. I thank God the nightmares are a lot less frequent and vivid these days.
While I wouldn’t wish my experience on my worst enemy, in some weird way, it did set me up for success. I had to be tough and focused to get up off my hospital bed, push through the pain of endless physio and build a new life. And that new life is a partnership with my best friend, Blake, in a rapidly expanding successful cyber security company. All our hard work is really paying off.
Blake and I met the first week of Ranger school in Fort Benning. Our friendship was rock solid during those tough weeks as we supported and encouraged each other through the rigorous training. I’m convinced he’s the reason I was successful in becoming a member of the 75thRanger Regiment.
It's good knowing Blake has my back. Not only did he save my life in Afghanistan but probably a couple of times since as I fought my way back to health from injury. When the dark days got really bad, he stepped in along with the other guys to bring me back.
Blake left the Rangers not long after I was medically discharged from the hospital and the Regiment. We talked about our start-up company business plan as I pushed through rehab. But he was the one who put our business plan into action with some seed funding provided by his family trust.
Blake is a business genius and, lucky for us, well connected. His vision for the company and excellent head for business, has been ingrained in him through his family, who own a successful publishing company. My technical expertise came more traditionally as a mature student at university, part of a program which helps veteran's transition from the military. Study was a great distraction as my mind and body healed. But our company gave me a future, and finally, I feel like I have my shit together.
The best thing is our company Cybersec is exceeding our expectations. So well, in fact, our turnover this year is likely to top a billion.
Finally, I’m content with my life in Manhattan. Physically I’m strong. I have a great new apartment in the Upper East Side, and I have more money now than I could have imagined. I should be happier, but something is missing.
I run my hands roughly through my hair as I wonder again why a stupid nickname is getting me so worked up today? It hasn’t bothered me this much in the past. I know I’m not the easiest person to get along with. But if my family and friends accept me with all my flaws, and boy, there are certainly plenty of those, I’m all good.
Maybe I’m on edge because for the first time in years, I have Cassie’s number in my cell contacts.
A lot has happened since I left Florida and Cassie. Not only some water under the bridge but a whole fucking ocean. I guess that's why I'm sitting here at my desk reassessing my life choices, good and bad, wondering if this is my best life and reliving my regrets.
Regrets I don't like to dwell on, as what person about to turn thirty doesn’t have a few? My problem particularly today is I don’t need to be listing them and grading them in some weird order of worse to not so bad. Especially when the biggest regret at the top of my list is always going to be how I treated Cassie.
Obviously, I was a different person back then. A stupid, screwed-up kid without a clue, trying to live up to some imagined belief of what my dead dad would have wanted. Needing him to be proud of me from the grave, I joined the Army just like he had, as I thought it was what my dad would have wanted. At least I don’t regret joining the Rangers.
I think it was right for me at that point in time, even if it was Afghanistan that seriously fucked me up.
Thanks to years of therapy which encouraged me to talk to my mom about it all, I realize now, my dad would have been proud of me whatever I did. Turns out, according to my therapist, I was still grieving the loss of my dad, and graduation was the trigger that brought all those feelings to the surface.
Being given Cassie’s number feels like I have been handed the chance to apologize and sort out some of the mistakes I made back then. Mistakes still screwing me up inside.
It’s been nearly eight years since I’ve allowed myself to think about Cassie. I’d blocked out memories of her. It hurts to remember Cassie, my beautiful golden girl from back in high school. She was so sweet and innocent when I first met her, with cute blushes flushing her cheeks. I didn’t appreciate Cassie as the unique precious gift she was, till she was gone.
Sitting at my desk in my organized, sterile office, memories are slipping through the cracks in my mind. Returning as if unlocked from a vault inside of me. I remember now how she smelled like a summer’s day. Sweet, fresh with a hint of coconut, a breath of happiness.
Jolted in my chair by a thump on my office door, I’m snapped back to the here and now as Blake opens the door to my office and walks straight in.
Staring at him, I growl, “Come on in, why don’t you…. Yeah, too late you already are.”
Blake barks out a laugh. “What crawled up your ass?” Then as he notices how pissed I am. “Lighten up,icehole!”
Now I’m about to lose my shit on him. Not the damn nickname again, it is seriously triggering me today.
Glancing at his Rolex completely oblivious to my fury, he continues, “Come on, man, it’s Friday, officially the weekend. Let’s get out of here and get some beers at the Irish pub. And maybe even you can find some pleasant, pretty company willing to spend time with you.”
“Nah, I’m not feeling in the mood for female company, but I guess I could do with a few beers or a scotch.” I’m hoping it will get me out of this funk.
Blake heads back out of my office, throwing back over his shoulder, “I’ll see you at the elevator in five.”
Something Blake and I have in common is we don’t do relationships, and that works well when we're in the mood for company.
In the office, I may be anicehole,but it doesn’t mean I don’t like to fuck, because I do, regularly. I don’t have the time or need for more. I sure as hell don’t need the hassle of some woman trying to understand me. Poking and prodding at me trying to turn me into their version of an ideal man. I make sure the women I sleep with understand it’s a one-and-done situation.
If they're happy to put all the emotional shit aside and enjoy the ride, then I'm happy to fulfill any or all of their fantasies. Nothing is off limits in the bedroom. Without a doubt, there is nothing icy about my fucking either. In fact, I apply the same focus to giving a woman pleasure as I do to my work life.
Chapter 5
