“I’m excited to see them play on a different rink.”
“I’ve got a good feeling about this season.”
“Me too,” I muse as I move back toward the ice.
I don’t want to, but as we round the corner, I scan the space for Kodie.
My chest compresses as disappointment rushes through me.
I might have tried to push the thoughts away, but I’d be lying if I said that underneath it all, there was just a little bit of hope that he might have hung around to talk to me.
I suck in a shaky breath.
It really is over.
Ididn’t go to the home game on Monday night.
It’s the first game I’ve missed in a long time.
But after a long day at work, I just couldn’t face it.
Seeing Kodie would have been too much.
If I’m ever going to come to terms with everything, then I need some space—which is a really fucking hard thing to find, considering everywhere I turn at work, I see his face.
Literally.
I spent the day working on graphics that included all the team’s new headshots, so for a good part of my morning, Kodie was staring at me through the screen.
All I wanted to do was sob. But I’m stronger than that.
So, instead of breaking, I focused and got his images completed first. Things got a little easier as I moved onto Linc and his cocky smirk. In the safety of my own home, I pulled on Kodie’s jersey and watched the game from my TV.
They won, and I celebrated quietly by myself before crawlinginto bed and crying myself to sleep as I pictured him out with the guys.
It’ll get easier, I continue lying to myself.
But as the week goes on, the lie only seems to get bigger and bigger.
I’ve only ever lost one person before, and that was Mom. I was ten when she passed, and while I was old enough to understand, it was impossible to come to terms with.
Of course, losing Kodie is very different from losing a parent, but some of the feelings are the same: the dark cloud hanging over me and the struggle to get up in the morning and go about my life like any other day. It reminds me of some of the days back then.
I hate it. But I also don’t know what to do about it.
I’m not a kid now, and I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
It’s ridiculous. He’s just a man. A man who never promised me anything.
Hell, let’s be honest—he did the exact opposite.
He told me outright that he couldn’t offer me anything.
I accepted that because I was more than happy to get any little bit of him that I could.
I knew it would end up ripping me apart. I just very much underestimated how hard it would be to walk away from him when he’s still such a huge part of my life.
The only one who understands is Parker, and thankfully, she’s also been crazy busy with clients this week. We’ve spoken, but I haven’t seen her. She knows I’m struggling, but she doesn’t know the extent of it. I fear that the second she looks into my eyes, she’ll know.I met up with Freya for dinner last night after work, and despite knowing she’d understand, I couldn’t tell her anything. Instead, I focused on everything but the pain in my chest. To be fair, talking about men and relationships was the last thing she wanted anyway.
