Wasthis what love felt like?
It was a difficult realization to grapple with. For a time, he had thought he loved Vian, but the man had proved him so very wrong. He wasn’t sure if he could trust the emotion that flooded him now.
Fawn drew him out of the troubling thoughts as she stroked his cheek. “Arlon?”
He let out a frustrated breath and said, “I don’t understand why this is so hard for me. Because I-Ilikedthat, I just…”
He trailed off, unsure how to finish that thought, but Fawn finished it for him. “You just have a hard time believing you’re truly safe here.”
His next exhale shuddered out of him as that truth sank in.
“You’ve been taught that letting your guard down will get you hurt,” she said, her fingers stroking comfortingly through his hair. “That vulnerability will be punished, but to be an effective conduit, youhaveto allow yourself to be vulnerable.”
Arlon let out a helpless sort of laugh as he moved to bury his face against her lap. As usual, she saw the reality of it all easier than he did. Knew him better than he knew himself. What was that if not love?
“Fuck.”
“You’re pushing yourself too hard. This was your first time. Once you have enough good experiences to eclipse the bad, I think you’ll find conduiting… freeing.”
“Maybe,” Arlon said, though he hoped she was right. He knew what conspace looked like. Had shot Fawn into it a few times now, seen the perfect bliss on her face. And part of him wished to know what it was like to have every worry, every thought shut off. Magic would be so much easier to make without the weight of the heavy thoughts he was carrying.
Fawn leaned down to press a kiss against his cheek, and he could feel her smile against his skin. Her voice was barelyabove a whisper. “You look so beautiful on your knees,a’marra.”
That same indiscernible emotion welled in his chest. He felt full with it, fit to break.
“I think I’ll always prefer casting,” he murmured, “but… I’d kneel for you again.”
8
The next morning, Arlon woke to the familiar rainbow shine of sunlight on magiline. He was spooned against Fawn’s back, one arm slung over her waist, but she stirred as he pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder.
She rolled to face him, her black hair mussed. Her face was still creased with sleep, and he reached out to brush a stray strand from her cheek. She let out a contented sigh as she cuddled her pillow close.
Seeing her like this never got old, and he felt privileged to witness the woman behind the Grandmaster so intimately. He just hoped it was a privilege he wasn’t abusing.
“Sorry,” he murmured, breaking the comfortable quiet. “Didn’t mean to fall asleep here.”
Conduiting last night had drained him in a way he wasn’t expecting. It felt like he’d given more than just magic to the new rings that adorned his slowly growing spell necklace. Any idea of going back to his own room had vanished the moment Fawn’s fingers started dragging through his hair.
She cradled her cheek on one hand as she looked up at him. “You don’t need to apologize.”
Arlon frowned. It hadn’t passed his attention that he seemed to be the lone wizard of the Crux that was allowed into the Grandmaster’s quarters on a regular basis. “But why am I the only person who ever spends the night with you?”
The question seemed to chase away her lingering sleepiness. She considered him before she said, “It gets… complicated with this position. Sex is the nature of our work, but forming deeper relationships outside of casting and conduiting can be... detrimental for my wizards.”
Unease prickled against his neck. “So what happens now thatI’mone of your wizards?”
Fawn turned her eyes up to him. “You were my lover before you were one of my wizards.”
“And I was your prisoner before I was your lover,” he pointed out.
Fawn chuckled and said, “You have always been a conflict of interest.”
That didn't help Arlon's unease. "I don’t want to stop being your lover just to be one of your wizards.”
Fawn scooted closer to him, one leg twining around his. “I'm not asking you to. You can be both, but as with everything we do inside of the Crux, there is a risk to it."
"What risk?"
