On what was normally a happy and joyous day for family and friends, all I felt was gloom. Today marked the start of his new life, but it also meant the death of his old one. And I had the unfortunate role of being the main character in that storyline.
Why did I have to fall in love with him after he was already engaged? Why couldn’t I have felt this way when he’d confessed his feelings for me? Why did I have to discoverwaytoo late that Asher was the one for me?
I covered my face with a pillow and groaned, regret filling my whole body. If I’d been quicker, then Asher and I would be together, and I wouldn’t be losing my best friend. As much as we both wanted to say that nothing would change after his wedding—that we could still be friends—I knew that was a lie. It was just something we told ourselves to make the pain of separation a little more bearable.
Everything had changed. There was no going back. All I could do was grieve and find a way forward. Asher was going to be married, and I was going to be alone.
I didn’t crawl out from under my blankets until the need to pee finally overtook me. I pulled my comforter off and slipped my feet to the floor. I hurried over to my bathroom and started the shower to let the water warm up while I went to the bathroom. If I was going to force myself to get up, then I was going to get clean. My heart may be broken, but my body didn’t have to stink.
I was going to get ready, and then at least I’d look put together while I wallowed.
I stayed in the shower until my fingers were pruney and my skin was bright pink. One nice thing about living in an apartment building, unlimited hot water. I only had to get out of the shower whenIwanted to get out. After I turned off the water, I wrapped my hair in a towel and wrapped another one around my body as stepped out onto the plush bathmat I’d picked up when I bought one for Asher.
There were so many things in my apartment that reminded me of him. I was going to make it my priority this week to purge some of them. I needed a fresh start, and bringing my past into my future wasn’t the way to get closure.
I took some time doing self-care. I put on a face mask, plucked my eyebrows, and got things ready to shave my legs. It didn’t matter that I had no intention of going anywhere today. I was going to focus on myself in an effort to survive.
My hands were covered with shaving cream and half my left calf was bare when my phone chimed. I glanced down at it to see that it was a text from Shelby. I positioned my face over my screen as I used my pinky—which had the least amount of shaving cream on it—to swipe up. Once my phone was unlocked, I tapped on Shelby’s text.
Shelby:Asher said that you aren’t the best man anymore?
I scoffed and nodded before sending her a thumbs-up emoji.
Shelby:Everything okay? Do you want to talk?
I shook my head. Talking was the last thing I wanted to do.
Me:No. I’m fine.
It was such an innocuous text, but I knew she was going to see right through it. People who were fine never saidI’m fine. That’s a friend red flag. Shelby wasn’t going to accept that answer, but it was all I had the strength to offer her.
Shelby:After the wedding is over, I’m coming by with chocolate and champagne. Be prepared.
My eyes brimmed with tears as I read her message. Minus the fact that she’d mentioned the wedding—my emotions weren’t ready to handle reading that part—I felt a small glimmer of hope. I may be losing Asher as a best friend, but Shelby was certainly determined to step into his place.
I was grateful that she was pushing this friendship. I needed it. And with her around, I had faith that when I finally got out from under this dark cloud, I was going to be okay. Shelby was determined to make sure of it, and I was going to rely on her strength until I could find my own again.
Me:Okay
She didn’t respond. I figured she got distracted with wedding things, which made me happy. I wanted Asher to have the best wedding day possible even if it crushed my heart to think that.
Maybe the only way to survive your best friend’s wedding day was to not think about it anymore. I just needed to forget what was happening.
I finished shaving my legs and rinsed off before I left my bathroom and got dressed. I settled on a pair of yoga pants and an oversized sweatshirt. The one that Asher had picked up for me when he went on a cruise to Alaska with his mom. As soon as I slipped it over my head, I brought the collar to my nose and took in a deep breath.
I was going to miss him so much. I wasn’t ready to let go, but I had to. Reality sucked.
It wasn’t until after one in the afternoon that I decided I couldn’t ignore my grumbling stomach anymore. I was lying on the couch, trying to get lost in the BBC version ofPride andPrejudice, but I just couldn’t focus. Plus, I was starting to feel faint.
I pushed against the couch and stood. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to eat as I made my way into my kitchen. Just as I opened the fridge, there was a knock on my door. I straightened and glanced in its direction.
Did I hear that right?
I shook my head. Shelby and Asher were the only ones who would visit me, and they were both wrapped up in wedding festivities. No, I was just imagining things. I dipped back down to look into the fridge when the knock came again.
I straightened and shut the fridge door. I hadn’t been hearing things. I walked over to the door and peeked through the peephole.
My entire body went numb when I saw Asher. He was standing on the other side of the door in a t-shirt and jeans. His hair was tousled, and he was glancing down the hallway.
