“What?” I finally asked when she peered over at me for the fifth time.
She was pouring milk into the eggs and didn’t respond until she was twisting the cap back onto the jug. “Nothing,” she said as she turned and pulled open the fridge.
“Ma,” I said, my voice low as I drew out the word to let her know that I didn’t buy what she was selling.
She glanced over at me once more. This was going to be a long day if she kept refusing to speak her mind.
I leaned back and folded my arms. “You might as well just say it,” I said as I quirked an eyebrow.
She was busy whisking the eggs. “Are you sure this is what you want?” she finally asked.
Even though I’d known what she was going to ask, I still hadn’t fully prepared myself to hear it. I’d spent so much of my week trying to convince myself that my marriage to Coralie was what I wanted, and I didn’t have any strength left to defend it to my mother.
I was supposed to marry Coralie in ten hours. “Mom,” I finally said, fearing that if I kept quiet much longer, she was going to start making assumptions. “I’m marrying Coralie.”
Mom stopped whisking, set the bowl down on the counter, and gave me her full attention. “I saw the kiss last night, Asher. I saw your expression when Ella ran off. You love her.”
My heart began to pound. I didn’t want her words to be true, but hearing them out loud like that, I knew I couldn’t deny what she was saying. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
I dropped my gaze to the counter and sighed, my shoulders sagging under the weight of the last few months. My involvement with the Proctors. My failing relationship with Ella. George’s diagnosis and my subsequent engagement to Coralie.
“She doesn’t love me, Mom,” I whispered. I no longer had the strength to deny what I knew was true.
When Mom didn’t respond right away, I glanced up to see her studying me. I couldn’t read her expression, and I feared what she might be thinking.
“I don’t believe that.”
Her words made my entire body freeze. “What?” I finally managed to ask.
“Ella loves you, Asher.”
I sighed. “She loves me like a friend. But she will never love me like I love her.”
Mom leaned forward, resting her elbows on the counter. “I don’t believe that,” she repeated.
I stared at her. What was she trying to say?
Mom must have seen my confusion because she reached over and patted my hand. “Ella loves you like you love her. I’m sure of it.”
This felt like a cruel game. Why would my mom say this to me? I was marrying Coralie today. Why was she giving me hope?
“Mom, I…” My voice trailed off as emotions coated my throat. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to believe that my mom was speaking the truth, but I was so scared of losing Ella that I knew I shouldn’t entertain the possibility.
“Asher, if you love Coralie and she is the woman for you, I will support you. If you truly love her, I will accept her as my daughter. But if you’re only marrying her because you think it will make others happy,” she paused, “or because you’re running away from your feelings for Ella.” Her eyes filled with tears. “Then the marriage will never last.”
She shook her head. “That’s not what I want for you. That’s not what your dad would want for you. You deserve all the happiness in the world. You only have one life to live, you need to make it count.”
Her voice cracked, and I was instantly off my chair. As soon as I got to her, I pulled her into a hug. Mom wrapped her arms around me tight and sobbed into my shirt.
Tears filled my eyes as Dad’s memory washed over me. I knew what she was saying was true. My parents would never want me to be in an unhappy marriage. George and Harriet wouldn’t want that either.
Coralie and I both deserved to be happy. Somehow, I’d allowed myself to think that I needed to ignore my own happiness for the sake of others’. That, eventually, I would find peace. I’d figured that fighting for others’ happiness was the cure for my own unhappiness.
I had been wrong.
Mom pulled back and stared up at me. “It’s okay to be scared. It’s the only way we ever take a chance at love.” She reached up and patted my cheek. “It’s the fear of losing something precious that forces us to act. There are no guarantees. You just have to find the strength to leap and trust that, no matter how it ends, you’ll be happy you took the chance.”
I studied her. I knew what she was saying was true, but I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to leap with Ella. I wanted to tell her once more that I loved her. I needed that door closed and dead bolted if I was ever going to fully move forward.
