As soon as he looked up, I realized he was the only man I ever wanted to look at me like that again.
17
ASHER
This was a mistake.
A huge, colossal mistake. One that could have been avoided if I had actually done what Coralie wanted me to do and told Ella she couldn’t be my best man. But I was a glutton for punishment, and had asked Ella to come with me to get a tux. Now I was sitting here in what felt like hell, watching my best friend stand in front of me with a hopeful gaze while wearing a dress that I was struggling to peel my eyes away from.
Before this moment, I’d wanted to believe that I was going to have the strength to walk away from Ella come Saturday. But now it felt impossible.
“How do I look?” Ella asked, a shy expression passing over her face as she softly swished her dress.
That felt like a trick question. If I told her the truth, the open and raw truth, I knew it would scare her, given our recent history. But I didn’t want her to think that I didn’t like her dress either.
I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.
“Adequate,” was the first word that popped into my head, but as soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back. I stifled a wince as soon as I heard the word leave my lips.
“Adequate?” Ella asked as she raised her eyebrows.
I’d already said it, I might as well lean in to it. “Adequate,” I said, this time with more confidence.
“Adequate,” Ella whispered as she glanced down at her dress.
“I hardly think she looks adequate,” Nancy piped up, appearing next to Ella and motioning for her to step up onto the pedestal. “This dress was made for her.” She huffed. “Adequate.”
Ella ran her hands down the skirt as she stared at her reflection in the mirror.
I couldn’t help but stare at her. Nancy was right. Although I could never admit it, this dress was made for Ella. It made her soft skin glow. It hugged her body in all the right places and accented her femininity. And all I could think about was how it would feel against my skin.
I wanted to pull Ella close and protect her. I wanted Ella to be mine. I wanted to be the man who got to stare at Ella, openly in love. But I could never be that man. She was never going to want me like I wanted her. Ever.
It hurt to see her in front of me looking this beautiful. It broke my soul.
Seconds ticked by, but it felt like an eternity as I watched Ella inspect the dress. Then her gaze drifted down the mirror until it locked with mine. Suddenly, we were just staring at each other. There was a haziness to her gaze that I’d never seen before and didn’t quite know how to interpret.
What was she trying to say? Did I want to know?
“Ella?” It took a moment for me to realize that Nancy was standing between us with Ella’s phone raised. A loud, piercing noise was coming from it. “You have a phone call.”
Ella pulled her gaze from me and turned it to Nancy. “Oh, thank you,” she said as Nancy closed the space between them so Ella could take the phone.
I watched as she studied her phone screen. A slight frown formed on her lips as she tapped the screen and then brought her phone up to her ear. “Hello?”
Grateful for this break, I dropped my gaze to the ground and stared at my shoes. I hated myself for not being stronger. Ella was my friend and yet, every time I was around her, all I wanted to do with her were things friendsdidn’tdo.
I was never going to be strong enough to just be around Ella anymore. Opening Pandora’s box by telling her about my feelings had not only strained my friendship with Ella, but it also made it impossible for me to keep those feelings stifled. I had breathed life into them, and they were going to stick around. I was never going to be free of them.
“Chad?”
My ears perked as I glanced up to see Ella’s frown deepen.
“Oh! Right.” Her frown quickly morphed to a smile. “Right, yes, I remember you. Chad.”
How could she have forgotten about Chad?Iremembered Chad, and I’d only spoken to him for a few minutes.
“Am I free Friday?” Her gaze drifted to meet mine. “Let me think…am I free Friday?” She raised her eyebrows as if to ask me what I thought.
