A football flies past me, and I notice two brothers wrestling to get it. And suddenly, I’m sixteen again. Drunk, tossing a ball with my brother, who could barely stay standing. Talking about fake IDs and heading to Vegas for his birthday. Except he never made it to his damn birthday.
More memories slam harder into me. Ambulance lights. Mom’s screams. The last fucking words I’ll ever hear from his voice. “I fucked up, Dill. Punched… him… her,” he slurred his words. “I don’t deserve her. I hate him. Hate me. Can you come, man? Get me?”
What kind of person doesn’t drop everything and help his brother?
No wonder I turned to bottles. Jesus, the endless binges that numbed me out. The blackouts that shut out the grief. The addiction that masked the guilt and the fucking ugliness inside me. Year after year after year. Until it stopped working. And the fear of turning into my old man scared the shit out of me more.
Krueger senses the shift and rests his head on my lap. I scratch behind his ears, and when I look up, I see her.
Jenna.
Loose waves bouncing. Sunglasses tucked in her hair. White fuzzy sweater hugging her curves. Laughing. But it’s not just her. It’s her as a mom, crouching low to wipe her daughter’s sticky face, gently kissing her on the forehead.
Something about it rips through my chest. Before I can figure out what the hell is happening inside me, the little one—Ava, I’m guessing—comes barreling toward me. Her shoe slips, knees buckle, and she trips, landing right next to Jaws. Somehow, she manages to save her ice cream from going down too.
“Impressive. Nice save,” I say, offering her a hand. Then Jaws, the asshole, snatches the cone right out of her grip.
She gasps, glaring at Jaws. Then at me. “Your dog is a criminal. No manners at all, Mr. Dog Man.”
I can’t help the laugh that escapes me. “Yeah, we’re working on that.”
“I think you owe me an ice cream,” she says, crossing her arms. “With sprinkles.”
“Fair. How about I buy you and your sister a bigger one—with sprinkles, hot fudge, even cookie crumbles? If your mom says yes.”
Jenna jogs up, breathless. “Hey.” She cocks her eyebrows, surprised I’m here.
Kreuger immediately sits at her feet, offering a paw like some lovesick fool. Jenna laughs, rubbing his head.
“Hey,” I rasp. God, her smile. It wrecks me every damn time.
Lily offers her untouched cone to Krueger. “Here. Now it’s fair. We all get one.”
Jenna shakes her head. “Guess you owe me one too. These girls will be bouncing off the walls all night.”
The girls cheer and sprint toward the ice cream truck. We follow slowly behind.
“They’re good kids,” I murmur. “Lily looks just like you. And Ava, she’s got all your fire.”
Jenna glows at the mention of them. “Yeah, they’re my whole world. And keep life interesting, you know.”
I don’t know. And there’s that ache again. That life I swore I didn’t want. Didn’t deserve. For a second, I let myself imagine it. Life with a family. Life with her.
“I’ve been thinking about the other day in your office,” I say, rubbing my neck.
She glances over, waiting, giving me that same look from that day, as if she wanted to say more. Hell, I did too. Until Jacob walked in.
“How I wanted to tell you…” My hands grip the leash tighter. “That I love spending time with you. That you’re everything I never even knew I wanted.”
I hesitate, fear scraping against my throat.
“But?” Jenna asks, her face twisted.
“But I’m terrified,” I say as my chest tightens. “Terrified I’ll fuck it up like I fuck up everything else. Terrified of anotherperson that I care about leaving. I wouldn’t survive losing another person. Losing you,” I exhale sharply. “And the sneaking around? I hate it.”
I want more with her. But wanting and believing I can have it? Two very different things.
Jenna stops walking. She just looks at me, teary-eyed. “That day, I wanted to tell you so much more too.”
