I glance back at my girls, curled up, safe, and still fast asleep. Their peaceful faces are the exact opposite of my spinning thoughts. What kind of life do I want for them, for myself? This life was created when I was shattered, barely surviving, from trauma. What do I want now?
Jacob and my mom finally make it to the car. She slides into the middle of the girls, and Jacob starts the engine. I turn up the radio, hoping it’ll drown out my mom going on and on about how great the party was and howperfectmy husband and life are.
As we drive, my body tenses. Familiar landmarks blur past us. Then I see my old school. The past slams into me, raw and relentless. Ryan’s fingers tightening around my arm. Me, sobbing on my mom’s outdated green bathroom floor. His empty promises. His twisted words.
Get back in the car, it’s dangerous out there.But he was the danger.I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,he’d say.You’re only good for one thing. I love you. No one else will ever want you.
And that party… that hazy night. Too much alcohol. Jacob’s hand on my back. Ryan’s voice slicing through us,I’ll fucking kill you.The room spun. Then silence. Then everything’s fuzzy. Always fuzzy.
Shame floods in, then confusion. Why did I keep going back? Why did you let that happen to me, God? Where were You? Were You watching when I begged You to make it stop? When I prayed every night for help. I had no idea. So I stopped asking.
“Jenna.” Jacob’s annoyed voice yanks me back to the present. “Did you hear me? I’m going golfing on Saturday with Allen and Gerald.”
“I’m working Saturday,” I murmur, forcing my voice steady. “Can you drop the girls at my mom’s?” I glance at my mom, who nods in agreement.
Jacob exhales. “I can’t believe you’re still wasting your time at that place. I make more than enough to support us.”
“You know why,” I say, frustrated. “I need more experience if I ever want to go on my own. I can’t quit and be like—”
“Like who?” My mom cuts in, her eyes flicking to Jacob with a small, approving smile. “Being taken care of is a blessing, Jinxy. Even if you can do it all yourself. You should be grateful for the support you have.”
I bite my tongue, holding back the urge to scream. They don’t understand. I need this independence. I need to breathe.
My phone vibrates. I take a quick peek.
Dylan:What if one day you woke up and decided to start living? You can start tomorrow. No pressure, but the offer’s on the table if you want to take a ride with me.
I want to say yes so badly it aches. But instead, I shove my phone into my purse, leaving the question unanswered.
Chapter 11: Gummy Bear Confessions
Jenna: October
It’s late afternoon, and I’ve been staring at the same email on my computer, my thoughts a tangled mess. Izzy and I are the only people left in the building. I drag myself to her desk to say good night.
“You okay? You’ve been quiet all day,” she asks, eyes narrowing like she already knows something’s up.
“Not much sleep. I had another one.”
“Same one as before?” she says, packing up her things.
“Sort of,” I mumble. “One second, I’m on a bridge, the next, someone’s chasing me. But I never see who it is. And there’s always this feeling, like I’m supposed to remember something important.”
Izzy nods. “And Jacob? Have you talked to him?”
“He knows. But he doesn’t ask, and I don’t offer.”
“That doesn’t sound easier,” she mutters gently.
“Maybe, you need a long night of really good sex,” she adds, gyrating in her seat. “So good it knocks the dreams right out of you, and then you’re so exhausted you pass out cold.”
“Sex?” I laugh. “Does sex solve everything for you? Though your brother really knows how to use his tongue in…”
“La, la, la, I heard enough.” She slaps her ears. “Go get laid tonight and talk to my brother about your dreams. If you can’t talk to him about the hard stuff, why even stay married?”
I roll my eyes, but her words hit home. “I wonder that myself sometimes.”
“Ugh, I hate that for you guys. But you know I fuggen love you?” Izzy says, reaching out to hug me.
