During their conversation, I squirmed uncomfortably in the back seat. I couldn’t deny the sinking feeling I got that something bad could happen tonight.
What if I ran into Clayton alone? What if I embarrassed myself in front of Trey again. Or what if I was walking down the beach all alone when a sink hole suddenly appeared, swallowing me whole? Nobody would witness the earth eating me. I would only be reported missing. And when they couldn’t find me after a few hours of searching, everyone would forget I ever existed by the end of the week—if that.
“I think I’m going to stay home with you tonight,Mom,” I confessed.
She glanced at me in the rear-view mirror. “Excuse me? No, you have to go. It’s graduation night.”
Liam twisted in his seat to face me. “Why don’t you want to come?”
I shrugged as nonchalantly as I could, feigning indifference. “I don’t know. I don’t have anyone to hang out with there. I’d have a lot more fun watching a movie at home with Mom or reading a book.”
Liam shook his head, dishevelling his curly blonde hair. “You aren’t skipping out tonight, and you won’t be alone. I’ll be with you.” Missing my apparent scepticism of that vow, Liam continued, “You didn’t go to prom. You can’t bail on this too. You’ll regret it.”
I stared back at him; I couldn’t argue because he had a point. I didn’t go to prom, and I regretted it. Granted, nobody asked me to be their date for it, but I could’ve gone alone. Girls did that all the time. I could’ve too. I needed to stop letting my anxieties control my life. And how better to do that than attend a party I’d most likely end up looking stupid and lonely at?
“Fine. Fuck it,” I said blandly.
Mom looked back at me, flabbergasted, while Liam roared with laughter.
Few minutes later, we pulled up to the dark beach lit only by the full moon and a bonfire surrounded by kids.
Liam jumped from the car, still dressed in his white button up, and black slacks. He left his tie behind on the passenger seat.
“Thanks, Mom! See you tomorrow!” He shut his door and, without a second thought, followed two girls to the party around the fire, abandoning his role as my companion a lot faster than I anticipated he would. I groaned as I dropped my head against my seat.
Mom twisted to face me, giving me a sympathetic smirk. “Come on, Lovebug. Be brave, be confident and have fun. Go find Trey. I bet he’d stay with you,” shesaid in a motherly voice but followed it with a teasing wink.
I half-heartedly rolled my eyes but lost all the amusement as I fidgeted with my hands. “Please don’t make me go out there, Mom.”
Her smile was gentle as she unbuckled her belt to face where I sat in the back seat of the car. “What’s going on?”
I shrugged, but that didn’t deter her. “No, don’t shut me out. Talk to me.”
Heaving a deep sigh, I made myself look my mother in her pale green eyes. “I don’t know. I just can’t shake the feeling that something bad might happen tonight.”
Nodding, she got a faraway look in her eyes. It was a look I’d seen many times from her. It was the look she had when she donned her therapist cap.
When she was here to comfort me, be my friend and greatest ally, it was obvious. The shift from consoling mother to therapist was transparent. She knew the difference and held the boundaries between the two roles until moments like this.
I didn’t mind it.
I welcomed it. If I wanted, I could tell her I needed my mom to hold me and not the facts of a therapist to teach me. But I cherished the insight her mind was constantly racing with.
“You’ve experienced years of instability, years of chaos, and years of fear. Feeling anxious treading outside the lines of the safe zone you created for yourself is natural and it is terrifying.” She reached into the back of the car to take my hand as she continued, “If anyone understands that more, it’s me. I mean, you, my daughter, had to accept a date for me tonight because I was too scared to do it.”
I eyed my mother then, seeing her in a whole new light. “You were scared? I thought… I thought you kept denying Xavier because of Liam and me. I—I’m so sorry; Ididn’t mean to—”
She squeezed my hand. “Do not be sorry. Of course I’m scared. Richard—he hurt me enough that I’ve been terrified to trust anyone ever again, and it did have to do with you and Liam, too. I’m scared to fail you both again. I’m constantly wrestling with the fear that my choices will hurt my babies. And I’ll have to just sit and watch, hating myself all over again.”
She paused with that, letting her thumb caress the knuckles of my hand. “We’re all scared. That’s what trauma does. It shackles us. Constantly reminds us of what horrid things can happen if we put ourselves out there. It scares us away from opening our hearts up or making ourselves vulnerable in any way.”
A single tear slipped down her cheek as she gave me a watery smile. “It’s hard and may even seem impossible, but we have to live again, despite the fear, and it all starts with a leap.”
She looked out the window at the crowd of graduates making their way to the center of the party. I followed her gaze, feeling that pit in my stomach hollow out as I pictured myself amidst the group.
When Mom’s focus returned to me, it took on a light, teasing air. “And since you shoved me right out of my comfort zone earlier tonight, it’s only fair I do the same for you. Get out there, make some memories. Give it a couple of hours. If it isn’t going well, I will happily race right back here to get you.”
My expression must’ve betrayed the unease I was tackling in my heart because she nearly fell into the back seat. She pulled me to her in a spine-crippling hug.
