“You keep saying that but—”
“I’m serious, Alauni. I’m trying to be a better man for you.”
Sitting up, I shook my head. “I don’t want you to do that. If you’re going to be a better man, you have to do it for yourself. I can’t be the reason that you decide to do the things that need to be done.”
“But you are, Alauni. I love you.”
“I love you too, Latrell, but I can’t be with you.”
“What can I do to change this?”
“Nothing.”
“I don’t believe that. You and I have always been able to work through things. This time doesn’t have to be any different.”
I frowned, frustrated that he wasn’t hearing me. “Latrell, our issues go deep. So deep that I no longer have the energy to fight with you about them anymore. For years, that’s all I’ve been doing…fighting. Fighting to make sure that you’re okay. Fighting to make sure thatwe’reokay. I’m tired. When I wanted you to change, you refused.”
“I didn’t refuse. I just—”
“Yes, you did. In your eyes, I was trying to tell you what to do. But all I was ever trying to do was help you see the good in yourself. Hoping that I could get you to understand that you had nothing to be insecure about. Or hoping that I could get you to see that drowning yourself in alcohol wasn’t necessary.”
“I know that now.”
“It’s too late for all of that, Latrell. And you’ve told me this so many times before. I’ve watched you do horrible things and then apologize for them later. I’ve endured being called names, being yelled at, being accused of shit that I wasn’t doing simply because of your insecurities and alcohol. I’m done with all of that. I want to see you be the best you that you can be, but I won’t do it as your woman. I hope and pray that I can do it as your friend.”
I sighed, hoping that offering him my friendship would be enough to put an end to his pleas. Although Latrell had a lot of asshole in him, there were some good parts to him too. He had a genuine heart. But that heart was covered by so many dark things. I wanted to blame it on the military, but I witnessed a lot of his darkness when we were teenagers. So, I knew better.
“Alauni, you know that I love you and being with you is all I’ve ever known. I hate that we’re so far apart and I know that if you would’ve come to Texas with me, things would have been different.”
“I know you want to believe that, but this was inevitable, Latrell. With everything that you’ve put me through, this was always going to end.”
“Damn, I can’t believe you would say that,” he replied, a hint of darkness resting in his tone. “Did you ever give a fuck about me?”
I scoffed in disbelief. “You know damn well that I did. I wouldn’t have tried so hard to make things work if I didn’t.”
“Yeah, well, you talk like I’m the only one with the problem.”
“I'm not saying that at all. I know I wasn't perfect throughout our relationship. I wasn't always open about my feelings. There were times where I could have been a better listener. I get all of that. But I'm convinced that a lot of my actions with you were in response to what we'd been through and I just didn't feel like I could be myself with you. Who you wanted me to be and who I am isn't the same. I can acknowledge that now.”
Like he hadn’t heard a word that I said, he blurted, “Alauni, please give me another chance.”
“All I can give you is my friendship. Please accept that so we can move forward.”
There was a moment of silence before he finally said, “Fine, if that’s what you want.”
“That’s what we need,” I said. “When will you be in town again? Layne’s been asking.”
“I’ll be there later this month. Do you think it would be okay for me to take the two of you out to dinner?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t want to complicate things.”
“Look, I promise not to be on no bullshit. I just want to do something nice for the two of you.”
I kicked my feet up on the coffee table, pondering if this was just another ploy to spend time with me or if he was being genuine in his request. Going against my better judgment, I said, “Fine. One dinner. But nothing fancy. We can go to Burger King or something.”
He laughed. “I don’t know about all of that, but I’ll be sure to keep it simple.”
“Okay, cool.”
