She blinked at me, still half-dreaming. “I thought you went out. I went to find you.”
My heart stuttered, shame and fear minling at the prospect that she’d seen even a second of what just happened downstairs…until I realized she’d just been dreaming.
I exhaled.
“I was just watching TV,” I said. “You know you can always shout for me.”
She groaned. “Too sleepy.”
Oh, sweetheart. I felt so fucking bad.
“Oh, mi amor,” I said. “I was here the whole time.”
“Good.” Her lashes fluttered. She edged herself closer to the wall, making space. “Want you close tonight. I dreamt that a tiger ate daddy.”
My heart cracked. Then healed. Then cracked all over again.
“Okay, baby,” I whispered. “I’m right here. There are no tigers in Boston. Nothing’s going to get us, okay?”
She sighed, already drifting. I wished I believed my own words.
I climbed into bed with her, scooping her against my chest and tucking my nose into the sweet, familiar scent of her hair. But I didn’t sleep; I just lay there staring at the ceiling, listening to the small, even sound of her breath and wondering how much longer it would be this easy to hold her and hush away the tigers. How much longer before she’d know the truth. Before I wouldn’t be able to lie to her about anything.
Before the world got to her the way it already had to me.
I had to keep her safe.
That meant keeping her in my arms and keeping Kieran out of our lives. Keeping his family and their secrets far away from the perfect little illusion I’d built. An illusion where I wasn’t a liar, where Rosie didn’t have to pay for my mistakes, where I didn’t fall for the same man twice.
I didn’t know how to explain any of it to Rosie. Not when I barely knew how to explain it to myself.
Did I tell her that her father was a gangster? That he was dangerous in all the ways girls liked when they didn’t know any fucking better? That I had been lonely and desperate myself, I hadn’t been old enough to fall pregnant, he had been so fucking attractive with his Irish accent and life on the line all the time? That I had fallen for him, fallen hard enough to let him break my heart?
That the man she believed was her father wasn’t in the picture when I got pregnant with her?
What would I say when she asked, “Where is he now?”
“Right outside the door, ruining your future,” would be the answer.
“Ruining my office,” would be the answer.“Ruining my life,” would be the answer.
I closed my eyes and exhaled as calmly as I could with Rosie asleep on my shoulder, her little body warm and safe and so small against mine. She trusted me. She believed I could keep her away from the tigers, from the danger, from the world.
She thought it was easy to protect her.
She didn’t know how close I’d come to letting it all fall to pieces.
I buried my face in her curls and imagined what it would be like if I actually had the strength to shut it down. To cut him off. To focus on her without worrying about him.
She’d be okay. She’d grow up with enough love from me and Alek and Julian. One day she’d understand how complicated it had been, how much it had cost, why it was better without him in our lives.
She’d forgive me for keeping the truth at a distance, for keeping the illusion intact.
She rolled over, already asleep again, and I let myself breathe deep for the first time that night. But even as I held her as close as I could, I felt the empty space where Kieran would never quite fill in.
***
I woke up to sunlight stabbing through the blinds and Rosie snuggled so close to me I couldn’t tell where she ended and I began.
