He was going to eat me, and it was my fault.
That was absolute bullshit.
With that thought, my immense terror became swamped by my indignation. The whole idea that I could control a monster with my words and behavior, that it would be my fault if he raped or ate me, was utter trash. Any person who told you that it was your fault they were angry, that you made them do the things that they did, was an abuser looking to avoid blaming themselves for their own cruelty, and they would only increase their abuse if you stayed and just took it.
"You look ridiculous," I said. "What even are you? You look like a cosplayer who glued bones to a black outfit."
I waited, my heart and breath twined up in the moment to see if he was going to explode with rage or violence.
He shuddered, shaking his skull from side to side as the glowing orbs sitting in his eye sockets cycled through a rainbow of colors.
"I do not," he said, his voice gravelly and indignant.
He in fact didn't look like a cosplayer. He looked like something that had crawled out of my nightmares. And yet, even so, I could still see the hard lines of his abdominals through the thick black fur that covered his body. He still was attractive, in a terrifyingly exciting way, maybe the monster should be in my bed rather than under it kind of way.
"Why do you even look like that?" I asked.
"You needed to fight," he said, gesturing at his body.
"I don't need to fight," I said. "I need to feel safe. I need to know that you aren't going to hurt me or my family. I need to go home."
"You think I would hurt you?" he asked, his voice soft. The dark hairs on his shoulder stood up suddenly, like porcupine quills. He didn't shift or change, despite the tone of his voice, staying in the dark form that loomed over me.
"You told me you were going to cut away what hurt me, and then you literally changed into a monster," I said.
"What hurts you is not being able to go home," he said, stepping to the side as he gestured at the huge tree trunk behind him. "I have made the connection. You can come and go to your home as you please."
I sucked in a breath sharp enough to match the sudden cut of hope.
He said he was going to cut away my pain, and I thought that meant he would kill my family. Had I thought the worst of him because of my fear? Did he really mean that he was going to let me go home?
"I..." I widened my eyes, blinking back the tears. "I can go home?"
"Yes," he said, gesturing towards the tree. "Go."
I took a step towards it and he moved back, out of my way.
"Why do you still look like that?" I asked.
He still hadn't shifted back.
"You see me as a monster," he replied, his voice gruff and gravelly.
Before I could say anything, he turned and vanished into the forest.
I was left there in the eerie silence of the forest, not the single chirp of a bird or rustle of wind through the leaves, an unnatural quiet that caused my skin to prickle with the subconscious awareness that something was wrong.
I should follow him. I should apologize.
Those were urges that came and went, a breath in and then out.
I didn't follow him; instead, I turned towards what mattered the most. I went back and put my hand on the trunk of the tree, excitement and worry and fear all collided within my heart until my hand sank into the surface of the bark, like the tree was a gossamer drape to hide the edges of an unseen portal. I closed my eyes and stepped back through. The change in the lighting hit my eyelids, turning the insides of them red. In one instant, the comfortable cool humidity of the shaded forest was gone, replaced by a warmer shade that still protected me from the harsh rays of the summer sun. But there wasn't any shade in my mom's backyard.
That thought vanished into unimportance as I opened my eyes and there she was.
Standing in the doorway to the backyard, holding the screen open with one small hand, stood Anna, looking just as I had left her, if maybe a tiny bit taller. Her eyes widened as she caught sight of me and there was an expansion in my heart, in the space which had been weighed down with fear and loss from themoment I had stood in the geodesic commons dome, filled with excitement and anticipation only to have those feelings crushed by the screams that painted a horrific picture of what I witnessed at Orientation.
I saw Anna's smile and I was home.
