“Only because you know I can’t help myself,” sheexplains, shaking it side to side.
“Maybe that’s why I offered it in this way,” I say.
She smiles, and it’s genuine. Nothing else touches it—not the fight with Roarke or the fact that I abandoned her for months. It’s just Carina and Smith. Her questions and my answers. Falling and catching. Loving and leaving.
She hits the record button, and the tiny machine whirs to life. A nod in my direction lets me know she’s ready. “Tell me then,” Carina prods. I take several deep breaths and prepare to tell the story I haven’t told anyone. Not even Moose. He got the CliffsNotes version.
“We’d been planning a mission for days. Not just eight-hour workdays, but twenty-hour days for almost a week. The target was clear, and we were going to head out the next day and begin the mission that night. Henry and I were in our room, a fact we were upset about at first, because who the hell wants to share a room with another dude for six whole months?” I smile to myself when I think about Henry and his jokes. He always had a way of making me smile while also getting anything he wanted. I can’t look at Carina for fear of losing track. “We were so tired, but he wanted to video chat with his wife and baby one more time before bed. The time difference is always significant, so it’s always a crapshoot when you make calls back home. He got ahold of his wife on the first try. I put on my noise-canceling headphones, like I always do. Out of respect and becauseit’s an unspoken rule when you have to share a room.”
Carina leans over and touches my hand. At the sight of her fingers on top of my own, I close my eyes. “I read a magazine for a few minutes until he tried to get my attention. Henry wanted me to tell her the story about one of the guys and his hair obsession.” I shrug. “Henry always thought I was funnier, so he liked when I told stories, but he was more thorough. I’d pick thorough over funny.”
Carina smiles weakly. “You are funny, though,” she says. “She liked the story you told?”
I nodded. “She did. I saw their little newborn boy sleeping in her arms. The laptop was always a little pixelated because the Wi-Fi is awful at camp, but that night it was so clear, Carina. You could see every hair on that baby’s head. Henry wouldn’t stop talking about how clear Marie looked, how beautiful she was, how her smile was brighter than the sun.” Emotion clogs my throat. and I have to stop talking for a moment. I take Carina’s mug of coffee off the table and take a sip, mindful to place my lips directly where hers were.
“I’d say you don’t have to finish, but I’m honestly not sure when I’ll see you again. If you want me to incorporate this into the novel, you’ll have to go on.”
One more sip of lukewarm coffee slides down my throat. “Ruthless tonight, aren’t you?”
Pressing her lips to one side, she sighs deeply. “I’m not sure what to call it. Numb. I guess I’m sort of numb.I know where this is going, so it’s probably a good thing I’ve lost all sense of feeling.” She’s numb because of me, and I’m numb because I can’t have her.
Ultimately, Carina is right. “I want you to know,” I reply. I pass her back her mug. She places her lips where mine just were. She looks at my eyes over the rim of the cup, knowing, taunting.
“Right before they said good night and hung up the call, his wife remembered to thank him for the flowers he sent her the day before. She was upset she didn’t mention it earlier in their conversation,” I say, recalling this memory that’s been buried for so long. “At that point I thought about putting my headphones back on, but call it curiosity, I listened instead. She gushed about how beautiful they were and how special they made her feel. Henry was excited that she loved them. He told her he would be home before the roses died.”
I shake my head, and Carina looks out of the large, dark window. I have to finish.
“He promised her that they were the last flowers he’d have to send. The next gift she’d get to unwrap was him. Marie laughed. A true belly laugh so joyous I couldn’t even make fun of Henry for the lame joke.” I smile when I remember how happy it made him to hear her laugh. Carina wipes a tear from underneath the eye that isn’t wounded.
“Marie laughed so loudly she woke their baby. Henry cooed and told him how much he loved him, promised he would see him soon and rock him to sleep and tell himcool stories about how awesome his daddy was. Marie told him how much she loved him and then spoke a little more loudly to wish me a good night.”
“No,” Carina whispers.
I ignore her. “I told her goodbye, and he hung up the call.”
“Then the mortar hit?” she asks, eyes wide with horrified curiosity.
“No,” I say, giving her word back to her.
“He asked me about Megan. I told him she didn’t like flowers much because they died so quickly. Flowers were best suited growing in the ground. That’s what she always told me. He asked if I was happy. I said I was. He told me the key to happiness was always being completely honest—that’s what makes a relationship work. It made a lot of sense. Henry always made a lot of sense. A young Buddha,” I say. My chest tightens. “He sent Marie flowers because he promised to always remind her how much she meant to him. True to his word. Always.”
Carina is crying, wiping her eyes with the hem of her shirt. It does nothing for my willpower. Her taut stomach is visible.
Sucking in a breath, I close my eyes and focus on Henry’s words. It feels like an oxymoron to be here right now telling his story and the reasons for my actions. “He loved Megan, thought we were perfect together. He made me promise to make her happy, Carina. Because our careers would fade away and the only thing left willbe the person sitting beside us. Wouldn’t we want to treat the one constant in our world with the utmost care and love? Wouldn’t you honor your words given to the person who will stick by you through thick and thin? You take the moral high road, always. In my career path, many men don’t take anything close to the high road with regard to their relationships. They cheat and take what they want. Henry never did that to Marie. He made me promise to never do that to Megan.”
“Oh my god. Just stop, Smith. Stop. Please,” Carina whispers. Her sobs are so loud they’re moving her chest up and down. “I can’t take this.”
“You need to know why I made the decision I did.”
“I don’t. Not at this cost. This depressing, life-altering cost. It’s unbearable to know this. Okay, go be with her. You don’t owe me anything. I get it. I understand now. There was never any other woman for you. It will always be Megan. Even if it’s not. You made a promise to your best friend. You honor your word to a fault. To a deficit even.”
“Carina,” I say. She shakes her head. “I never expected to fall in love with you.”
She stands from the sofa in a brisk movement and paces to the window, her back to me. “Henry told you that before he knew your circumstances,” Carina whispers. “You honestly think if he were here right now he’d tell you the same thing?”
“I sat back in my bed, the top bunk, and closed myeyes. I’d loved Megan for so long that I wasn’t sure what it meant to do anything except that. I would never cheat on her. I thought I was already on the moral high road with my engagement to my high school sweetheart. Watching him with Marie made me question things. To the point where my promises to Henry made me feel like an impostor in my own skin.”
Carina turns from the window but stays silent, her eyes rimmed with red and the hem of her shirt soaked with tears. I go on. “It was because we had the big mission the next day. I’m sure of it now. He had no idea what was going to happen in mere seconds. He was putting his ducks in a row just in case. Henry asked me to always be an honorable man regardless of circumstance. He used those words, Carina. I never thought much of it because I remembered him saying that after my accident, but it was before I remembered Megan.”
