“For how long?” My voice cracks. “How long will you be gone this time?” I forget to breathe, so I place a hand on my stomach and force my exhale to move it in toward my body.
Megan takes my hand. “Thank you for coming. I understand if you want to leave, Carina.” Her nails are absent of polish, and the red scars are almost completely healed. They remind me of Smith’s scars. Smith. My heart cracks into two.
“Why did he come here first?” I ask. Either Megan’s or Moose’s reply will satisfy me. They don’t reply, butthey do share a look that scalds me to the core.
“It’s not my place to say,” Moose responds. I think it’s mostly so Megan doesn’t have to, and he’s all about sparing her any grief or pain. I hear the patient in the bed next to Megan laugh, and it makes me enraged.
With a small squeeze she says, “This is part of it. You’re not familiar with the deployments and his absence, but it’s part of loving him. You have to trust that everything will be the same when he comes back. If you don’t, then you’re wasting your time.” She swallows, and I can tell it is painful. “Even if you know nothing will ever be the same, you have to allow yourself to believe it will.”
How morbid. How unromantic. This isn’t anything like how I pictured our relationship. Or lack thereof.
I close my eyes once again. To think about Smith and to block out her pain. “He hasn’t called me once. He hasn’t emailed me once. I didn’t know if he was dead or alive. He came here before he came home. What am I supposed to make of that?” Now I’m angry. “How can everything eventually be the same when a person is gone? No communication?”
“It’s like riding a horse,” Megan says, nodding her head. She’s trying to comfort me, and something about it irks me. “He comes back, and everything falls back into place until the next deployment comes around.”
I should want her advice. She has firsthand knowledge I don’t, but I can’t get the image of Smith here, visiting her, outof my mind. I thank her for her advice and wish her well. I tell her I’m sorry and I’ll never forgive myself for choosing the left side of the table. She tells me not to worry over it another second, because that’s just how she is.
“I should go. Where are you flying out of? Any chance I can catch him there?” I ask, turning for the door.
Moose shakes his head and explains they’re flying out of the airport on base. No one is allowed except those authorized, and with the heightened security, there is no way they would make an exception.
I rush out of the door and hold my breath all the way to the elevator.
“Wait up, Carina,” Moose says, coming up behind me. “I want to talk to you.”
“We just talked,” I reply.
He sighs and leans both palms against the wall next to the elevator. “It’s better if you miss him right now. He’s not himself,” he says, chancing a glance in my direction.
That makes me want to see him even more. “What’s wrong with him?”
“You know he’s the most loyal and honest person I’ve ever met. That’s no secret. It’s deeper than what it seems on the surface. After Henry died, he promised to live a life in his honor, to warrant barely escaping a fate he thought he deserved. I guess, right now you could say he’s in the largest moral dilemma of his life,” Moose rasps. Taking a deep breath, I wait for him to finish. “He’s wrapped himself in work so completely that it’s no surprise you haven’t heard from him. He loves you, Carina. Remember that, okay? He’s not even calling his parents.”
“That’s supposed to make me feel better?” The elevator pings open, and I step in quickly. What would I say to Smith if I could talk to him face-to-face? Would I fall into his arms and forgive him because of all he’s dealt with? I’d like to hope I wouldn’t. I’ve grown stronger than that. “Do you know how my mind has played tricks on me all this time? I doubted he even existed. Sometimes I even wondered if claiming me was a fun game. Make Carina fall in love with me, have sex with her…finally, and then pop, smoke,” I say, stabbing a finger in the air. It’s not Moose’s fault, but seeing him is as close to seeing Smith as I’ll probably get until God knows when.
He shakes his head. Standing in front of me in the elevator, the doors close behind us. “It’s not like that at all. Trust me. He’d be devastated if he heard you talking like this.”
“Him? Devastated? He came here to visit her before seeing me,” I say. Traitorous tears flood my vision. “I saw you hunched over her bed when I walked in, and I thought it was him. I thought it was Smith. And that would make perfect sense. Then you looked up, and I was relieved. Maybe for one more minute I could pretend he truly is still mine.” Sniffling, I wipe my nose with theback of my hand in the most ungraceful way possible. “He’s not mine, though, is he?” I turn my head to meet his eyes.
Moose winces, looks away, and then down at the floor. Shaking his head, he says, “He was never yours to take, unfortunately.”
An arrow shot directly into my heart would hurt less. “I have to go. Thanks for the talk.” He follows me out of the hospital and into the parking lot. I sense him close behind. “And for what it’s worth, I think you should tell Megan how you feel. She deserves more than an honor relationship.”
He stays silent, but still follows me all this distance out to my car. To make sure I get there safely, I assume. It irritates me, and at this point I’d do anything to hurt him the way he’s hurt me. Even if it’s truly Smith who has hurt me. The hot sun beats down as I stew with the words on the tip of my tongue and my heart hardening by the second. “I’ve got it from here,” I whisper, grabbing the door handle of my car to unlock it.
Moose clears his throat. “I respect Smith too much to ever pursue her in that way. I can be her friend. I can try to fit in the spaces that he’s left, but he’s all over her body. He owns every inch of her skin, her soul, her heart. Forever.”
An angry sob rises in my throat. “Never forever!” I yell, remembering the words Smith whispered before he left me alone in that hospital. “Forever doesn’t exist.Only dimensions of time that can be calculated by happiness or sadness. Sadness? That lasts forever. Happiness is never forever, Moose. It’s not. Don’t fool yourself into thinking any different. I got a few months of it, and I’ll take it for what it’s worth and move on. She won’t love him forever. Not after what he’s done. Reach out and take what you want. Not because I think it would make my life easier, but because who the hell knows how much longer we have on this planet?” I sob again and start my car with the door open. I point to the hazy, smoke-covered sun. It still doesn’t look the way it did before.
Moose is leaning over, one hand on my side panel and one wrapped around the side of his head, soaking in my words of wisdom. Maybe someone will have a better day than I am. “I have to go. If there’s any chance of catching him, I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t try.” I close my door and roll my window down.
He’s still silent and stoic.
“Tell Megan I’m sorry and she’s beautiful, okay? This wasn’t how I envisioned this visit going.”
He nods. “Thanks, Carina.”
A dimpled smile is the last thing I see before I pull away and head toward the freeway. I use my Bluetooth to call home and alternate with Smith’s cell phone dozens of times. The lines are down right now. It’s useless. With each security check, I become more and more impatient. The officer that’s checking my trunk and back seat at the entrance to myneighborhood is friendly enough, but I might as well be spitting nails instead of pleasantries. It took two hours to cover several miles to get home.
